We’re less than 48 hours away from the first game of the biggest sports event in the world. You’ve seen the ESPN ads, you’ve heard the tabloid rumors, and you’ve already made plans to get sloshed when the U.S. faces England on Saturday. Still, you have questions. Naturally, we have answers to your most important* World Cup questions. Read up, and maybe you’ll be able to score with that cute Italian chick at the front desk by the end of the group stage.
*I think they’re important and I write the blog, so shut your whore mouth if you don’t like them.
Will the U.S. beat England?
You bet your ass they will. England manages to produce a massive choke job every four years and nothing would be sweeter than beating those tea-sipping, wrong-side-of-the-road driving assholes at the game they invented.
Who is the MVP for the U.S.?
Goalie Tim Howard will have to be at his very best for the Americans to move deep into the tournament. He was harder to score on than a girl on her period during finals week in last summer’s Confederations Cup. He will need to just as good, if not better, this year.
Who is the X-Factor for Team USA?
Clint Dempsey needs to step into the void left by Charlie Davies if the U.S. hopes to get out of the group stage. Dempsey pulled a disappearing act four years ago in Germany. Hopefully more experience in the English Premier League will help him break out this time around.
Is this the World Cup that makes soccer big in America?
Maybe eventually, but not overnight. Soccer is slowly gaining traction in the American sports world, regardless of the team’s success every four years. MLS attendance is booming, while the NHL can’t even outdraw a spelling bee for TV ratings. I think it’s safe to say that soccer will be big one day, but not immediately after July 11th.
How far will the U.S. get?
Realistically, not too far. We don’t do realistic around here though. The U.S. runs the table and wins the World Cup, after which Jonathan Spector, Jay DeMerit, Landon Donovan, and Herculez Gomez get arrested for stealing a police car and Nelson Mandela’s tiger in Johannesburg.
Check out more Q/A on the rest of the world after the jump…
Who has the hottest fans?
Brazil, duh. Moving on…
Who will score the most goals?
David Villa will score more in one month than I would with your mom in one night to take home the Ballon d’Or, or Golden Ball. Boom roasted.
How long until the first fan riot?
Uhh, too late dude.
Which teams should I watch?
Thankfully, you don’t need to make any choices; no two matches are played at the same time. Still, some teams will definitely be more exciting than others. Spain and Argentina have high-powered offenses and should cruise through the group stages. Brazil is… well, Brazil. Portugal and the Netherlands should have some entertaining games. Germany has moved away from their traditional defensive approach in years past, and Australia is always good for a Cinderella-type game where they take a powerhouse to the brink. Plus, you never know when some Japanese guy will run onto the field with a samurai sword.
What’s with all the flopping?
Hell if I know. But when the sport’s biggest star is doing underwear ads with another dude, you start to get ideas.
What, no jokes about Zinedine Zidane’s headbutt from 2006?
Bet-at-Home.com beat me to it with their ads for the World Cup this year. [Zidane video]
Who is going to win?
Argentina has the best player in the world in Lionel Messi, even if he’s borderline retarded or his living habits are a bit messy (see what I did there?), and there is nothing more entertaining than a fat naked man running through the streets of Buenos Aires. Still, I think Spain builds off their 2008 European championship to win its first World Cup. Come on, this is just ridiculous.
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