So, the Bruins’ season is over. Life goes on. The next two months are our favorites of the year, regardless of who’s playing. Playoff hockey is the kitties’ titties. So, liberated from our individual biases, we present to you, our preview of the first round in the chase for Lord Stanley’s Cup. Here are the 4 matchups in the Eastern Conference. Check out the West here.
Ottawa’s beautiful captain has fabulous hair and they have a goalie nicknamed after a McDonald’s character. Now THAT is marketing people. Plus, did you watch any of their last few games?
Bree says Senators in 7
Jon: This one is probably the hardest one to pick. It’s easy to look at the regular season standings and say that Montreal should destroy Ottawa. But Montreal kind of sucked in the regular season. You know who didn’t suck?
Carey Price.
Montreal has an impotent offense, a bad powerplay and just an alright defense, which makes Carey Price’s season just that much more impressive. Seriously. Even Bruins homers are having trouble denying Price should win the Vezina and probably the Hart.
But Montreal needs Carey Price to go full on Mary Poppins and be practically perfect in every way if they want to win this series.
Ottawa is so high right now that they think Who Let the Dogs Out is a good song. They had to pay for extra carry-on bags on their own team plane just to carry all their confidence. Hammond will likely be a popular fantasy hockey pick next season before he plummets back down to earth but I can see him playing well enough to get Ottawa out of the first round.
I’m picking the Senators for one reason and one reason only: Price doesn’t have enough support. Let’s say Price makes 40 saves every game and only lets up 2 goals per game. I don’t trust the Canadiens skaters to score enough to overcome even that small of a deficit over seven games. Price is BY FAR the best player in this entire series.
But I’m one of those fools who believe in momentum and Price will be all alone trying to stop the Ottawa onslaught.
Jon says Senators in 7
Marshall: Listen, it seems like every year there’s one team that just chokes so hard the ghost of Michael Hutchence tries to contact them from beyond the grave to tell them to use a spotter. That team is Montreal this year. Habs feel like they’ve just been playing over their heads all season long. Carey Price should be the Vezina winner this year, he’s been phenomenal. Keeping pucks out of the net isn’t really their problem though. Offensively the Canadiens are middle of the road at best. Goals for? 20th. Powerplay? 23rd. Price can’t score for them.
Plus, did you see what Ottawa just did? Yeah, I’m not betting against that shit. Mange une bite, enculés. I just hope this goes the distance so I can utilize my endless supply of Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald jokes.
Marshall says Senators in 7
Pez: If there is one team that I hope chokes in the playoffs like Pierce Brosnan in Mrs. Doubtfire after having some spicy shrimp, it is Montreal. God do I hate that team, that fan base and anyone associated with them. If my kid came home and told me she was a Canadiens fan, I would banish her from my house. That fucking city doesn’t deserve the gasoline it will eventually use to start riots with.
That’s why it will be so amazing to see the Ottawa Senators beat them in 7 games.
I don’t care what the numbers say about these teams. This is a pure ‘gut and heart’ prediction. Basically, this is the Bruins 4th line of predictions. Guts, heart and completely full of shit. One can only hope that Ottawa sends the Habs’ Stanley Cup hopes down to hell with Howie Morenz’s leg where it belongs.
Pez says Senators in 7
Jon says Lightning in 4
Marshall: So many people have had a crack at Detroit’s crease you could name it [prominent former Bruin’s sister’s name redacted]. Apparently, Petr Mrazek is Coach Mikey Lemon’s go-to guy to start the series. His name is far too close to Jason Mraz’s for me to give him a serious shot of denying my pick for Cup winners.
Tampa is so deep you could catch the bends reading their roster. It all starts with Stamkos, but when Brenden Morrow and Brian Boyle can’t crack the top 9 and Matt Carle is on the third pairing, you know you’ve built a balanced squad. If Stevie Y doesn’t take home the GM of the Year award, there is no justice in the world. Watching him break the spirit of Detroit fans the way Detroit breaks…name a noun, would warm my black little heart. Fuck Detroit with a rusty spoon. Bolts in a squash.
Marshall says Lightning in 5
Still though, the Lightning are the better team and have been throughout the season.
Jon: It’s no secret that when the Bruins aren’t playing I actively root for the Penguins [PEZ NOTE: Jon and I went to the Bruins/Penguins game in Pittsburgh and he wore Pens gear the whole time]. But they’re not winning this series. I can’t even force myself to pick them.
Pens fans are talking about Fleury “proving” he’s ready in the regular season. Two biggest problems with that statement:
(1) You can’t prove playoff worthiness in the regular season.
(2) Fleury chokes so bad he could play David Carradine in his biopic.
The Penguins limped into the playoffs and have less scoring than a high school band nerd behind Malkin and Crosby. Their defense is mediocre at best. And until Fleury steals a series for this team, I refuse to believe he has the ability to get them back to a Cup.
I also don’t buy all the Rangers hype so I can see the Penguins stealing a game or two. But this series goes to the Rangers.
Jon says Rangers in 6
Nope city.
Marshall says Rangers in 5
Bree: I really, really want the Islanders to win this one. They have that beautiful Boychuk and his gorgeous eyes. They also have Travis Hamonic who is probably a total sweetheart off the ice and has an incredibly heartbreaking, yet inspiring story. I just want them to do good and be happy and win all the things…..
But, Washington has Ovechkin and Holtby and have you even seen those guys?! Seriously. As much as I bitch about what a shitball Ovi is, even I can’t deny that he’s one of the most entertaining people in the NHL right now. Plus, there’s a little matter of an asston of goals scored. What will really seal the deal for the Capitals though is their goalie. Holtby is beautiful. Holtby is stellar.
Braden Holtby forever.
Bree says Capitals in 6. Sorry, Boychuk. 🙁
Jon: I hate the Capitals with a fiery passion. I love Johnny Boychuk and John Tavares on a level that would likely call for a restraining order if the rest of the DOY staff didn’t keep an eye on me. The Islanders are a team that should be so, so, so good in the coming years.
But I can’t see them beating the Capitals. They are another team that kind of entered April meekly. Ovechkin, Backstrom, and Holtby will ultimately prove to be too much for an Islanders team that isn’t quite ready. And don’t give me that crap about Ovechkin being a playoff choker. His career playoff stat line: 58 Games Played, 31 Goals, 61 Points. That doesn’t sound like choking to me.
Jon says Capitals in 6
Marshall: Sweet, sweet Isles. I want so badly for you to succeed. You have Johnny B and his baby blue eyes. John Tavares still doesn’t get the recognition he deserves for literally carrying your franchise on his shoulders for the better part of a decade. And you co-opted the YES! chant, which makes the wrestling nerd in me giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl seeing her first pixelated octopus tentacle/penis. Across the sheet, you’ve got Alex Ovechkin. Despite all the dumb dumb dumb things people in the Boston media want you to believe about him, Ovi is still one of the 3 or 4 best players in the league. He might be playing some of his best hockey ever, and you don’t win 3 straight Rocket Richard trophies ever by sucking.
Buuuuuut it really comes down to goaltending and on the well-stocked bar of NHL goalies this year, Braden Holtby was on the top shelf next to the Johnnie Walker Blue, while Jaro Halak was that Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler your older sister forgot about when she went back to college. You were only 9. You know you shouldn’t have drank it. But you did, didn’t you, you sneaky little shit? And just like Isles fans, you were all excited at first, only to end up with some neon orange vomit on your carpet.
Marshall says Capitals in 6
The Capitals grabbed points in 6 of their last 7 games. They were 6th in goals for per 60 and 7th in goals against per 60. They were 4th in shooting percent and 8th in save percent. They also boasted the NHL’s best power play.
But the Islanders man. If this was a late-90’s, early-00’s shitty romantic comedy, they’d be the ugly girl who suddenly became hot and was taken to prom by the captain of the football team. They’re the Cinderellas with better footwear. No one really thought the Islanders would make it into the playoffs, let alone as the third seed in the Metro Division.
A lot of people will look towards John Tavares while muttering some backhanded comment like “Oh you didn’t think they would make it this far?” and hopefully someone else would make the stupid out of their mouth. It wasn’t just John Tavares. Kyle Okposo only played 60 games this season due to an eye injury and put up his third best point total of his career. There’s no doubt in my mind if he didn’t miss those 3-4 weeks, he would be close to the career-high 69 points he put up last year.
Second year man Ryan Strome filled in well while Okposo was injured and put in 50 points this year, including 17 goals. Frans Nielsen had this third highest goal and point total of his career this year. Brock Nelson almost doubled his point total from last year and scored 20 goals. Anders Lee scored 25 goals. Josh Bailey put up career highs in points (41) despite playing 7 fewer games than last year when he put up 38. Defenseman Nick Leddy had a career high in goals (10) and tied his 2011-2012 campaign for points with 37. Hell, even sexy boy toy Johnny Boychuk had a career year in goals, assists, and points.
The Islanders have a 2011 Bruins feel to them. If they can get over the Washington hump in the first round and catch a few breaks like Boston did (maybe Montreal get eliminated), they could make a Cup run.
This series is going to be incredibly close, but I am going with New York.
Pez says Islanders in 7
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