Days of Y'Orr First Round Preview - Western Conference

So, the Bruins’ season is over. Life goes on. The next two months are our favorites of the year, regardless of who’s playing. Playoff hockey is the kitties’ titties. So, liberated from our individual biases, we present to you, our preview of the first round in the chase for Lord Stanley’s Cup. Here are the 4 matchups in the Western Conference. Check out the East here.

Bree: Ugh. Fucking Minnesota. Minnesota is a team so boring that it’s more entertaining watching paint dry. They’re so boring that it’s more fun watching a monkey pick his ass with a stick. They’re so dull that I’d rather attempt to teach Lucic basic human decency than watch them play an entire series of 7 games. I can’t handle the effing Wild. I can’t do it. Oh my God. No.

The Blues, on the other hand, have a little shithead named TJ Oshie on their team. I tend to enjoy little shitheads so he’s one of my faves. He’s only one of many on the Blues this season that have contributed to getting them to where they are. Vladimir Tarasenko has been incredible with 37 goals, 36 assists, and a total of 73 points all for himself. Fabulous. Steen? Fabulous. Schwartz? Fabulous. See where I’m going with this?

Bree says Blues in 4 (Please. Think of the children.)

Chip: Devan Dubnyk, in my opinion, is the only goalie worthy of poaching Vezina and/or Hart Trophy votes from Carey Price. He’s been an absolute revelation since being traded to the Wild, appearing to finally live up to his pedigree as a former first rounder. Even with the presence of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, Dubnyk is THE reason why the Wild roared into the playoffs, even so much as flirting with the possibility of overtaking Chicago for third in the Central.

With that being said, I think this is the year that the Blues break their Stanley Cup cherry. They’re just too deep, boasting three good scoring lines and arguably the best top four defensemen group in the NHL. They have skill…they have size…the have grit. While goalie play remains their area of weakness, 83 year old Glenn Hall could probably put the pads back on and actually win games with this team. And how could you not pull for them?? David Backes is highly involved in rescuing stray animals! T.J. Oshie is an American hero who loves the troops! Kevin Shattenkirk happens to look like the horny best friend in any 80’s teen sex comedy who just so happens to play Norris-caliber defense! What’s not to love about this team?!

Chip says Blues in 6

Jon: Even with the Bruins out, I am more excited about these playoffs than any in years just because most of the matchups are so wildly unpredictable. I could see almost each series being a sweep or seven games. I love playoff hockey so much that my boner has a boner.

St. Louis can’t pick a goalie. Their recent history shows they choke in the playoffs. The Wild are so hot that even Chris Hemsworth is jealous.

So I’m picking the Blues. That’s right. I didn’t stutter. Devan Dubnyk’s career resurrection has been great to watch, but the playoffs are a different animal. The Blues have so many different ways they can beat teams that I just don’t think the Wild can keep up.

On offense, the Wild have Zach Parise and…oh right. Look at the Blues. Tarasenko. Steen. Oshie. I could go on. But I won’t. Because that just wouldn’t be fun for Minnesota fans. Plus I haven’t even gotten to St. Louis’ defense. Beasts.

Plus David Backes will just ruin them like your uncle ruined you in the garage that one Thanksgiving you don’t want to remember.
Jon says Blues in 6

Marshall: I really wanna pick the Wild here. Honestly, I do. The Blues can’t make up their mind about who their starting goalie is, and while both are solid options, the lack of a clear cut choice is concerning. (Holy fucking alliteration)

Yes, Devan Dubnyk has been a fucking rock star the likes of which Minnesotans haven’t seen since Purple Rain, and they have the best PK unit in the league. However, their Power Play is atrocious, and after Zach Parise, their offensive depth is as shallow as a piss-filled plastic toddler pool that further ruins your already-shitty lawn. The remainder of their top 4 goal scorers are playoff ghost Thomas Vanek, Jason Zucker and Nino Niederreiter, the last two having shattered their previous best years for shooting percentage. That’s just not sustainable.

Backes, Tarasenko, Schwartz, Steen, Oshie, Stastny, Pietrangelo, Shattenkirk…Blues are simply too fucking deep to lose this series.
Marshall says Blues in 5

Pez: I have a stupid hatred for the Minnesota Wild. I can’t really tell you why because there is absolutely no reason or logic for it. Maybe it is the Christmas color jerseys. Maybe it is because nothing good outside of Mighty Ducks 1 happens in Minnesota. I just don’t like them. I don’t like their face and I hate the ongoing narrative of UNDERDOGS and things of that nature.

St. Louis is going to stuff this team like a corpse at a necrophiliac convention. St. Louis was fifth in the NHL in goals for per 60 and fourth in goals against per 60. They were also 11th in corsi for % which means possession, possession, possession. Of course, you can be a team like Boston and be 7th in corsi, but St. Louis backs it up by being 9th in the NHL in shot percentage at 9.42.

There is nothing that you could point to that would make me believe that Minnesota is going to steal this series. A game? Sure. A Series?

Days of Y'Orr First Round Preview - Western Conference

Pez says St. Louis in 5

Bree: Really my only problem with the Predators isn’t necessarily an on ice issue *cough*Ribeiroisadirtyshitstainwasteofspacedumpstervomitsquire*cough*. Beyond that, I can’t honestly say I know too much about the Predators if I’m being honest here so I did some research. Apparently, the Perds highest goal scorer is Filip Forsberg who has 26 this season and he is followed by Ribeiro aka DiarrheaMonster McFartSuck who has 15. Simply looking at goals scored this season, you can tell how they likely made it to the playoffs and his name probably rhymes with Blekka Grinne. He’s been stellar this season but I’m not sure he can keep it up against the Blackhawks to be honest.

The Blackhawks are just the Blackhawks and now that little Patty Cakes is back they may squeak out a win on this one.

Bree says Blackhawks in 6

Chip: The main subplot in this series is, of course, the miraculous healing and return of Patrick Kane for the Hawks. Given the fact that Chicago somewhat limped into the playoffs, is Kane being rushed back to give the team a much needed shot in the arm? Possibly. But I guess we won’t know for certain until Shea Weber gets a chance to introduce himself to Kane in the corners. Or James Neal. Or any other Preds player anxious to test the recently broken collarbone that had derailed one of Kane’s finest seasons to date.

Alas, Nashville has cooled off considerably from their blistering start to the season, and that’s evident in the numbers of Pekka Rinne and Filip Forsberg. On top of that, Chicago has obviously been here before. Between Kane, Jonathan Toews, Marian Hossa, and Patrick Sharp, the Hawks have plenty of guys who get things done when the games matter most. And don’t sell Brandon Saad short, either. The kid’s future earnings (and place with this team) will be determined by his performance in these playoffs. All of that, along with stellar defensive play, will overcome any deficiencies caused by Corey Crawford having a glove hand slower than Leonardo Dicaprio in ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?’…

Chip says Hawks in 6

Jon: Logic, history, team rosters and my eyes tell me to pick Chicago. Especially with Patrick Kane coming back. And with Pekka Rinne doing his best Playoff Fleury imitation at the end of the regular season.

But there’s just something about this Nashville team that makes me want to pick them. I believe Chicago is a better team on paper and on the ice. They have more experience. There literally isn’t a single logical reason I shouldn’t pick Chicago. But I’m going with Nashville. I don’t know why. And it’s really not because of 2013. The Bruins got beat by a better team and I was over that about a week later.

Maybe it’s my desire to see man crush Shea Weber get a Cup. I don’t know.

Be careful though Nashville. Don’t give the Blackhawks even 17 seconds to mount a comeback.
Jon says Predators in 7

Marshall: Disclaimer: I was in the middle of editing this post when the news that Patrick Kane was cleared to come back broke, and I’m too lazy to change my mind.

The Hawks have played approximately 5,000 games over the last 4 years. That’s gotta give at some point, right? But who exactly are the Preds? Beyond Pekka Rinne, Shea Weber, and human filthbucket Mike Ribeiro, I couldn’t pick a Predator out of a lineup of one (which, coincidentally, is where Mike Ribeiro belongs). This one’s a total coin toss for me. Going with the fresher legs in a long series.
Marshall says ~~Predators in 7~~ Fine, fuck it, Kane’s back; Hawks in 7

Pez: I want to pick Nashville and I am going to pick Nashville. Pekka Rinne can carry the Predators to the Cup, he is that good. The team built around him is that good, but there are a lot of questions.

Can Filip Forsberg continue his eye opening campaign where he scored 26 goals and amassed 63 points?
Can Mike Riberio stop being a human garbage can and continue to play well?
Can the Predators get over the Semi-Finals hump?
Are they still going by the shitty name of Smashville?

Chicago isn’t without its own questions and most of them surround Patrick Kane. He started skating and taking contact yesterday and has been medically cleared to play in the first round.

Can Kane be Kane?
What kind of venereal diseases did he contract during his time off?

I’m giving the nod to Nashville because fuck you, Chicago.
Pez says Nashville in 7

Bree: I was warned about keeping my bias in check while writing this and it’s hard for me because I love those stupid little Jets a lot, you guys. Especially my Not-So-Secret Crush Tyler Myers. *sigh*

I must keep in mind that the Jets are new kids when it comes to this playoff thing and this amazing streak that Pavelec has been on (seriously, what kind of elephant steroids are they feeding him? Did they replace him with a clone or a cyborg or something?) will inevitably come to an end. Probably around game 3, completely screwing the Jets for this little run. That would be such a Pavelec move. Ugh, I already hate that this is going to happen. One interesting fact about the Jets is that Chris Thorburn looks like the second coming of Jesus but I’m pretty confident that not even Christ himself can get them through this series with a win.

I hate you Ducks. I hate Corey Perry’s troll face. I hate Ryan Getzlaf’s old man baldy head. I hate that Jakob Silfverberg’s last name has an “F” in it. I would like to bundle you all up in a trashcan and rocket you into the sun. *sigh*

Bree says Ducks in 5.

Chip: We’re already at our third Canadian team in the playoffs! While publications like The Hockey News have already anointed the Jets as a future Cup winner, they’re clearly outclassed against a juggernaut like Anaheim. With no defined starter in net, Winnipeg has spent the season bouncing back and forth between Ondrej Pavelec and Michael Hutchinson…back to Pavelec…to Hutchinson…and finally back to Pavelec…and looked reminiscent of Faye Dunaway in ‘Chinatown’ in the process.

The Jets don’t have the horses to compete with the Ducks. Getzlaf and Kessler give them a formidable 1-2 punch up the middle, and Corey Perry is (sadly) one of the better pure goal scorers in the league. If Freddy Andersen falters in net, rest assured that John Gibson is a more than able backup. Thanks for playing, Winnipeg…here are some nice parting gifts.

Chip says Ducks in 4

Jon: Winnipeg is the “sexy” pick. And sure, they are better than people give them credit for. And sure, Pavelec looked great for stretches of the regular season. And I do think in the coming years Winnipeg will develop into a force.

But not this year. The Ducks have too many weapons for a Winnipeg team to contend with.

Plus I never want Winnipeg to win just because of their fans. These Jets are the Atlanta Thrashers. Stop talking about all this team’s “history.” They are not, not, not, NOT the original Jets. Teemu Selanne never played for this team. Ilya Kovalchuk did. Winnipeg fans are pretending a white out is an original idea too. I can’t wait to see Ryan Getzlaf white out all over their faces.

I think the Ducks let the Jets take them by surprise in Game 1 then just ruin them like Claude Julien ruins young offensive talent.
Jon says Ducks in 5

Marshall:

Marshall says Ducks in 4

Pez: LOL Winnipeg.

I have a legit hatred for Winnipeg. A team that was taken out of Atlanta because no one cared and brought to Winnipeg, where the city is covered with white – not because of the snow – but because of the NHL wanking over the “best fans in the NHL”. Bree is going to rake me over the coals, and she should, but I fucking hate the Winnipeg Jets.

I hate the smug nature of most Jets fans I’ve run into who believe that Winnipeg always deserved a team. I hate how they hearken back to the old Jets days despite those old Jets days doing what most old things do – moving to Arizona to die.

“Atlanta never deserved a team!” They decried, riding their goats to the top of their snowy mountain huts as they watched the Jets do what the Thrashers did and absolutely ride the suck stick.

Fuck Winnipeg. Fuck the Jets. I love you Bree, please don’t kill me.
Pez says Anaheim in 3.

Bree: I live 3 hours away from Calgary and I cannot handle the sheer amount of Flames memorabilia and what have you that is flying around this city. Seriously, it’s like everyone here has decided to bandwagon this team. If I see another jacked up truck with camouflage seat covers, Metal Mulisha decals, TruckNutz and a Flames flag flying from the window, I’m liable to throat punch someone. Oh yes, I live in Redneckville, Alberta people. Population: Flames fans apparently.

I adore Eddie Lack. He has been pretty good this season you guys and he’s still just a young thing. I don’t even know if Miller is his back-up or if Eddie is Miller’s back-up or whatever, but they’ve both been relatively decent. Also, they have the twins and while they both have faces that even a mother would set on fire, I have no strong feels about them one way or the other. I honestly don’t know who will win this one, so I’m going to go with whatever pops into my head first.

Bree says CalgCouver Flamenucks. I have no idea. Um…. Calgary in 6. Yeah. We’ll do that, I suppose.

Chip: Here’s the honest truth about this series: nobody outside of western Canada honestly gives two shits about the outcome. On one hand there’s the retooled Vancouver Canucks, a team that has no shortage of playoff experience over the past decade. On the other you have the Flames, a team in seemingly constant rebuild that has surprised everyone just by making it this far.

While Sean Monahan and Johnny Gaudreau are both poised for bright futures in this league, the Flames are still without captain (and best d-man) Mark Giordano. Compounding the problems in their own end is their goalie….Ummm….(looks at Calgary’s roster)…Jonas Hiller? When did Mike Vernon leave?! Vancouver has gotten 70+ point seasons from the Ginger Twins, a return to the 30 goal plateau from Radim Vrbata, and some very capable goaltending depth with Ryan Miller and Eddie Lack. Former Bruins assistant GM Jim Benning and Willie Desjardins are to be commended for putting out the tire fire left by John Tortorella last year.

Chip says Canucks in 5

Jon: Honestly, if I’m a Western Conference team neither team scares me. If either faced any other team in the first round, the other team would win in three games.

Ryan Miller is a choke artist. Don’t throw the 2010 Olympics at me. He wasn’t clutch. The guy can’t take pressure. He wilts like Milan Lucic under the pressure of a pricey contract.

Even without man-beast Giordano, I think Calgary’s excitement of just being in the dance is enough for their players to beat Vancouver before getting absolutely DESTROYED in the next round by *insert literally any team here*
Jon says Flames in 7

Marshall: A goalie controversy in Vancouver? Where have I heard this before? Not even gonna attempt to figure out why you go out and sign Ryan Miller in the offseason when you already had a decent netminder in Eddie Lack. Were you just so wowed by Miller’s “impressive” run with St. Louis last year? The Ryan Kesler-less Canucks making the tournament in the first place probably might have been the biggest surprise of the year…if it weren’t for the Flames.

With a healthy Mark Giordano, this would have been a cakewalk for the Flames. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I know they’ll probably get waxed, but Calgary is my feel-good team of the playoffs. Break out the fiery horsehead jerseys and get it done.
Marshall says Flames in 6

Pez: On the complete opposite side of the Pez-o-sphere is my complete adoration with the Calgary Flames. I’ve had a love for this team since the old Iginla days. I remember getting pissed when they lost in the Stanley Cup Finals to Tampa Bay. I love that Calgary continued to play well after losing their best player in Mark Giordano. Johnny Gaudreau had a fantastic rookie season that could see him grab the Calder Trophy.

Also Vancouver so…

Pez says Flames in 6.

Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!

Days of Y’Orr First Round Preview – Western Conference

Alan Draper

Alan Draper

Alan Draper