Dear Minnesota Drivers

Now, there are a lot of things that bother me about living in Minnesota. So many Minnesotans are wealthy that prices are exorbitant and frankly out of my range. I used to live in an old Maytag box, but couldn’t afford rent. Winters are chilly, yes, but I’ve long since gotten over that. Once you get below 10 degrees, it doesn’t matter anymore, really. What irks me is that the winter can last into early April, and there are years, like this one, where it’s June 10th and we’ve only hit 80 degrees three times. What irks me more is when Minnesotans either A) don’t have a problem with it or B) tease me for having a problem with it. Minnesota has so many lakes. We should be spending Memorial Day on them. And not in an icehouse. I’m also not a fan of the preponderance of purple throughout the state.
The thing that gets under my skin the most, however, is the drivers here. I spent most of my formative driving years in Indiana, which, compared to Michigan is incredibly slow, but compared to Minnesota is blazing fast. I’ve made my peace with the fact that Minnesotans view speed limits as maximums, while Hoosiers view them as minimums. I will continue to dry peacefully at 5 miles per hour over the given speed limit, and leave you in my dust. If you are convinced you need to drive that slow, then you must not be paying full attention to the road, and I would be best served not driving in traffic anyways. So, keep driving slow. But please, heed the following two common courtesy pointers.
First, when stopping at a red light in one of the left turn or no turn lanes, be sure to stop at that white line in front of the crosswalk. Now I, like most drivers, don’t particularly care about the pedestrians trying to cross. This isn’t about that. No, sometimes, another driver will need to make a right turn. If you are pulled all the way up through the crosswalk, Right Turn Rick can’t do anything short of pulling halfway into the intersection to see if anyone is coming, and by that point, it’s going to be too late. So, don’t be a jerk, you don’t need to stop that far into the intersection. And if you stop short, don’t keep inching forward either. When you do that to the our buddy Rick, you’re just being a douchebag. It makes matters worse when the people who inevitably do this are driving enormous trucks or SUVs or vans. Minnesotans, at this point, are the only people in the country that can afford them.
Second, while on an unrestricted highway of interstate (freeways, you call them) at a non-rush hour time, please keep in mind that the right lane is for driving, and the left lane is for passing. I guess what I’m trying to say is, get the Funk and Wagnall out of the left lane, you stupid minivan. It’s not cool to pass people in the right lane, and I don’t like doing it. Now, if there are three lanes, and if you aren’t planning on exiting any time soon, by all means, occupy the middle lane to avoid the hassle. But if there are two lanes, drive in the right lane and let people pass you. It’s not up to you to decide how fast I should go.
Also, while it’s on my mind, if you are at a stoplight on a 4 lane highway next to a semi and you can’t accelerate faster than the truck to let people behind you get past the truck as well, that’s just unforgivable.
Thank you for your time,
– Ryan