It’s that time of year again. Certainly, you’ve signed up on Yahoo for about five fantasy baseball teams and you’ll wind up paying attention to only three of them (mostly because you missed the draft in the other two). Well, for those of you who do not draft until the last minute (smart), here are some tipsy tips for the third year in a row. For the past two years’ tipsy tips, you can go here and here.
1. But, of course, I’m drunk. It wouldn’t be the tipsy tips if I wasn’t.
2. Ok, that last one wasn’t a tip, but this one will be. Always take notes on those yellow legal pad of papers. You’ll be pleasantly surprised that your handwriting improves, you’ll feel about 10x more professional, and your picks will be naturally superb.
3. Always, always, ALWAYS drink beer during your draft. Liquor is not what men do during fantasy baseball drafts and milk is for babies. Beer opens up your fantasy baseball brainwaves and makes that 3rd round Christian Guzman Ian Desmond selection seem like a good idea (at least until the morning).
4. Yes, that last one was cut and pasted from last year (with a slight alteration) because it’s so important.
5. Wireless internet has made pooping mid-draft a distant concern. I had to do this in one of my drafts and it wasn’t that bad. However, just to be safe, I’d make sure you relieve yourself of all excrements at least 45 minutes before draft time.
6. If you don’t get Hanley Ramirez or Jimmy Rollins, wait until the 20th round or later to pick a shortstop. Seriously, the talent is anorexic thin and you can pick up The Riot or a young sleeper late. I had my entire team and some bench spots filled before I got The Riot, Everth Cabrera, and Alcides Escobar.
7. Don’t draft Jason Heyward in the first round. Yes, he’s a stud prospect who won the starting spot in Atlanta, but he’s still considered a sleeper. You can get him late, anywhere between the 8th and 20th rounds (depending on keeper league). I don’t think there’s enough beer in your fridge that would allow a first round selection.
8. MLB Network is deceiving, so try not to watch their previews before your draft. I’m doing it right now and honestly, every single team seems to be loaded with quality starters and a lethal lineup. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s simply not the case. I’d temper expectations if you watched MLB Network’s previews (even though the channel in general is pure awesomeness).
9. Vladimir Guerrero is on the Texas Rangers now (I know, right?), so pick him at some point. He’ll hit .300 and hit 20+ homers again, plus the upside is ridiculous now that he’s in a better lineup (yeah, I said it) and a much better hitter’s ballpark.
10. I can’t believe we’re actually giving REAL tips. Just two years ago we told you to pick Nook Logan (as a joke).
11. Don’t be afraid to nab a top closer before it’s deemed acceptable to start picking closers. In all of my drafts, I got stuck with bottom tiered closers and I really regret that. I think the players I selected instead of closers would have been available later and I could have drafted some top tier closers instead. The general rule of thumb is to have at least two 30+ save closers and at least one or two bottom tiered closers. Unfortunately, that’s not what I wound up with. Sad face emoticon.
12. Magglio Ordonez is a really good pick, especially since non-Detroit idiots will let you have him somewhere beyond the 20th round. He’s going to compete for the batting title and have 20+ home runs. Mark DeRosa my words.
13. Avoiding all White Sox players is always a good idea. Similar to Exactly what I said in 2008 – Bobby Jenks ate them all (and hurt his calf in the process)
14. Don’t watch Knocked Up before your fantasy draft because you’ll think drafting Hideki Matsui is a good pick. It’s not.
15. Trade early and often. Fantasy baseball is no fun if you draft your team and just sit on it all year. Last season, I was sitting in 6th place and traded Hanley Ramirez. I finished in 3rd (in the money). Grow a pair and always be open to improving your team, even if you lose a keeper.
By the way, you have some glitter on your eye. I’m never drinking again.
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