Dude, What?

I have a question for you. Have you ever tried to look up sidneycrosby.com? Crosby87, supposedly the official website, has been “In Progress” for several years now. So I tried His name dot com to see what would appear (see how I did that? I capitalized “His” so I could compare Him to Christ).

If you’ve never tried this, I suggest you do so now. Not only is the website devoted to something other than Sid, but the freaking site has a mini pony on it! I’m losing my shit, man!

Hello Fellow Chelonians. I am Sidney, a Red-eared slider. My owner gave me a 2nd name so I consider myself to be quite unique. Mother nature called me Trachemys scripta elegans; I ca-rum-ba! I have trouble pronouncing it myself and I am the turtle

I weigh about 2 pounds and spend most of my day in my aquarium swimming happily. I am still camera shy as you can see. When I was with my previous owner I was not treated very well. I was kept in the dark most of time, was malnourished, and did not even have claws. But after being taken care of by my new owner I have since grown claws, the spots on my shell have disappeared and I am now much healthier. I also had to learn how to swim as most of the time I had to waddle around the bottom of the tank; the water level was not high enough for me to swim like a turtle should.

WHAT?!?!? Please note that I’m guffawing and choking as I type this. It should help you if you try to read this post in a guffawing voice. The dancing turtles with banjos should help you if you have trouble laughing. The mini pony might be the best. On the page titled Sidney’s Friends, the following appears:

Hi Sidney! I’m Gypsy, a Bedlington Terrier all the way from Down Under, Australia. I am very possessive of my owner and I love her to bits. She loves me too. My boyfriend is a miniature horse, James! Yep, I said it right. My boyfriend is a little horse. When I go walking with my owner I make sure we stop by my boyfriend’s do I can give him a kiss. He leans right down and kissy kissy!!

My owner just got a new rug and I christened it! ** If you know what I mean. ** That’s all for now, Sidney!!

I’m literally dying at this point. None of this makes sense, and I love it for that sole reason. The name, the turtle, the odd image of Muhammad Ali, the goat and mini pony lovers. It’s perfect, and all I’d expect from a site bearing the name of the 21 year old hockey star from the Burgh.