After Sunday’s excruciating loss to the Kansas City Chiefs an ominous gloom has set over Seattle and the 12th man. The season is racing to a close and the Seattle Seahawks have so many questions that need answering. Answers that players and coaches don’t seem to have.
As a journalist/reporter my job is to relay the news rather than make it myself. This is not the case in this week’s column. In my endless pursuit for answers I have found a man who has the countenance and bravery to deliver much needed honesty and truth about our Seattle Seahawks. That man is my uncle Ralph.
I sat down with Ralph this Monday to get the inside scoop on how to save the Seahawks.
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Me: Ralph, thank you for meeting me. I know you’re time is precious and I want you to know how honored I am to be interviewing you.
Ralph: I wouldn’t be here, only my goddamned sister, your mama, said if I don’t let her boy interview me that she’d take back the lawnmower.
Me: A great start. My readers crave this type of honesty in my sit downs.
Ralph: There won’t be any sit down if you didn’t bring me what I asked you son.
Me: Oh. Of course, how could I have forgotten. (Slides 6-pack across table)
Ralph: Ask your dang questions.
Me: Right. Lately, on offense, the Seahawks have struggled mightily to get the ball down the field. What do the Hawks need to do to have better production in the passing game?
Ralph: This is all our smart ass GM’s fault. You draft a quarterback that’s 5 feet tall and don’t do anything else. Jackasses.
Me: So, you have a problem with Russell Wilson’s height?
Ralph: Now boy, don’t go twisting my words. It ain’t Wilson’s fault at all. We need smaller linemen. If Schwartzman knew his ass from his elbow he’d draft some 5 ft linemen.
Me: You believe that if Wilson had a more miniature line that he would play better? But can a smaller line hold up against a much larger defensive line?
Ralph: The game’s about grit boy.
Me: Moving on. After Sunday’s lackluster defensive performance, what do you think the Seahawks need to do to become an elite unit again?
Ralph: Easy. Fire those horrible defensive coaches. I’m sick of hearing Colin Quinn say he’ll figure it out. They’re all clueless.
Me: You believe the same coaching staff that led this defense to a historic Super Bowl performance last year should now be let go?
Ralph: Don’t let the door smack their asses on the way out.
Me: Do you have any ideas who could replace a whole staff this far through the season?
Ralph: You’re looking at him.
Me: You know about defensive schemes?
Ralph: You mean like a basic cover-3, maybe a more complex cover-4.
Me: I had no idea you had such a background in defensive alignments.
Ralph: Defensive alignments? What the hell are you talking about son? If I was the coordinator I know I’d damn well cover any spread Vegas puts out.
Me: Amazing. Lastly is there any way that the Seahawks can turn their season around and make it back to the Super Bowl?
Ralph: Yea.
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There you have it folks. The Seahawks can make it back to the Championship by implementing a few small tweaks to their system. For Oregon Sports News this is Shane Melly reporting. Back to you Serene Branson.
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