It’s already week two of the final fantasy football season and people are getting pissed off at me. Just today I had a Tweet from Feisty Fan (who’s ass I DEMOLISHED with the blunt end of a Lousiville Slugger this week in our match-up) that exclaimed:
“Your fantasy league sucks. I know its really me but im blaming u. Can my team possibly be worse? Should change name to Vikings.”
I propose the name change goes through. But if not for her, then at least for sckoehl1108 and his shitty team name. LAZY. Pure laziness. But either way, let’s get to this week’s wrap up:
Another tie, a blowout, and close wins: The games this week truly ran the gamut of possibilities. On one hand, we saw another tie, which makes two ties in two weeks, and leaves the overall standings looking weird, and strange, and I don’t like it. However, I did absolutely nothing like a lazy fat slob to fix the tie last week and like hell if I’ll do anything about it now. Normally, I would default to bench scoring as the tie breaker, which may be hilarious in a 72 team league like this where our benches are full of retards and brain dead sex toys. “Oh boy, I hope Toby Gerhart runs 10 more yards for that extra point I need to un-tie!” GAY. This league is the 
worst. However, I still stand by the decision to let ties occur, and I think in time you people will agree with me, particularly those imbeciles that didn’t draft a good enough team to win. You see, a tie isn’t a loss, by any means. It’s like gray matter in your head, or the attractive level of Jenna Fischer. Would you have sex with her? Sure. But would you have sex with her over Olivia Wilde and her crazy eyes? Of course not. That’s what a tie is; Jenna Fischer. So deal with it.
In other news, Parole Models actually, literally, prison raped former champion Cheeseheads with zero regard for human life as she hung a lofty 98 points on his face to his 42. Even our official fantasy football truck sponsor, TOYOTA FOR AL YOUR TRUCKING NEEDS!, called this game as the week’s biggest blowout. That of course is obvious, but it’s fun to see it commercialized by Toyota, and even better when we all get to make fun of a Packer fan. What, you’re team is 2-0 with a gay quarterback helming the squad? Big deal, the Vikings are in full melt down mode already. You jelly?
In other news, the basketball brains “I Touchdown There” beat out The Rose Gardeners, barely, but in such a way that I’m sure Gardeners will again disappear for much of the season, just like last. COWARD! I don’t know if this was due to late game heroics from a Sunday or Monday nighter, but maybe Touchdown can fill us in. Likewise, Percy’s Pot Dealer got into the win column this week with a narrow win over Moose Knuckles, thanks in large part to the Eagles being too retard to know they should cover Tony Gonzalez, who put up 15 points in the late Sunday night game. In other words, Percy’s is a lucky pussy cat.
It’s lonely at the top in whatever you do: The most important item of the week however is noticing that PJD’s Shirtless Men is holding down the number one spot in the entire league, sitting with a James Dean type record of 2-0, while everyone else in the league has no more than one win themselves with some queer mixture of losses and ties. Weirdos. I have managed to do this with lucky match-ups, I’m guessing, because my point total of 132 on the year puts me at roughly middle of the pack. Clearly, Parole Models skews the numbers a bit because of her hip thrusting of points this week, but if you wanted an early season bet on someone winning the coveted t-shirt I would keep my eye on someone from the Julius Allan Bangers division. All the point getters are from there. Clearly they drafted better, and clearly they don’t hae someone in their division that’s scored only 99 points so far on the season. Come on, Love Boat Captains! This isn’t a a system of IOU’s for points! You gotta earn that shit! It’s like they’re the NFC and the other division is the AFC, or something. Doesn’t the NFC usually score more points? Is flashier? Wears sequenced uniforms? That was my understanding anyway.
These players can shut up and die: In another damming statement of how this league is set up, Peyton Hillis actually clocked in with a big day on Sunday thanks to his two touchdowns and … not even 100 yards? WHITE. I know he’s a fine running back, but he’s a Browns running back, is white, and is on the Madden cover, so we all know he won’t finish the season. Likewise, after having a robust two catches for 31 yards and no touchdowns against the Vikings in week one, Vincent Jackson of the San Diego Chargers came back with a vengeance in New England and had 10 catches, 172 yards and two touchdowns. Stupid. He won’t perform like that again even if he went on Viagra. If you have him, you should trade him now. To me.
No Fantasy Mailbag this week: Remember last week how I said I would take this space to answer a fantasy football related question for you each week? Well, while there was a ROBUST amount of emails I received this past week, they were all from my grandma checking in on me and telling me about her afternoon lattes, none from you about football. Therefore, I have nothing for this section today, and really, IT’S YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT. So, send emails HERE and we can remedy this.
Thank god for Purple Jesus: This section, where we look at Minnesota Vikings players and check to see which players, if any, performed well in a fantasy football sense, is going to get real old, real fast. In short, everything sucks and I hate everyone. Longer, Purple Jesus had a real nice day point wise, scoring two touchdowns and cashing in on 120 yards. That, of course, accounted for 14 of the Vikings 17 points, which also means that Ryan Longwell had the other three. One item of note here may be to consider the fact that since the offense sucks so bad, if you’re desperate for a kicker some day, to pick up Longwell, since you know that the Vikings will have to settle for field goals more often than vampires in books settling for pasty white chicks. Think about that. Yeah.
Looking ahead: Last week I predicted that Tebow’s Bible Camp would beat sckoehl1108 in their match-up. Since they ended up f*cking tying like everyone else in this league, that leaves my predictions at 0-0-1 on the year. So let’s try this again. In week three we have a bunch of mismatched games co
ming up due to these ties. Oddly enough, Percy’s and sckoehl1108’s match-up may go a long way in deciding who will sit atop the division next week but, while interesting, when you only have one team left who has a “perfect” penis record, you inevitably have to pick their game as the one to watch for the week. Wait, is that team PJD’s Shirtless Men?! It is?! Why, I guess that’s the best game of the week then! While Yahoo! does predict PJD’s team to win by six right now thanks to current line-ups, I call bull shit on that and fully expect to lose. Therefore, Wilf’s Stache gets the kiss of death/vote of confidence as I expect him to eek out a win and move to 2-1 on the season, vaulting him right back into the title town conversation.
Tell us about your game! I wasn’t paying attention! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your matchup screen! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT. Enjoy week three!
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