Well, time to kill myself. I’ve gone from top dog to ass sniffer in about three weeks. Where once Purple Jesus Diaries’ Shirtless Men struck fear into the choad of dozens in this league, we are now a laughing stock, much like the Colts. This must be a test … a test from JESUS, even Purple Jesus, perhaps. Not everyone gets to waltz straight to the championship games without hitting a few bumps. Not the Patriots, not the Shirtless Men, NOT EVEN YOU GREEN BAY PACKERS. Yeah, think about that.
So while SHIVA is giggling like a drummer boy because he was able to beat off (yup) the top dog in the league, he should also know that his fourth rank in the current playoff structure is a MIRAGE, and he will likely get mouth fisted again very soon. Also? My 48 points this week, while stupid on all accounts, still would have bested at least half of the league this week. So shut it, and let’s move on to this week’s fantasy review:
Weekly Results: As stated, the Shirtless Men were asked to put their shirts back on by the heterosexual SHIVAs, who should feel very embarrassed about making people play with their clothes. In other news, however, Parole Models was able to only beat Rose by eight which, while kind of hilarious, also got her to first ranking in the league going into next week. God damn two ties. It’s like you got a win-handicap just because you have two breasts. Allegedly. Kenny Britt took a real lump on the tit this week when he lost to Love Boat – who was completely out of the picture – which hurt his chances of making the playoffs. At this point, he’s on the outside looking in. Percy’s Pot Dealer also probably saw his last playoff chances go out the window as Cheeseheads spread his points all over Percy’s mouth, and even Tebow’s Bible Camp, another high ranking team, slipped greatly in their loss to Feisty Fingers. He could have almost had a first week playoff bye! YOU MORON! Lucky for Moose, things worked out for him as he hip thrusted his way closer to the last available playoff spot open, likely coming down to him and Wilf. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
TOYOTAS COCK PUNCHING BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK: Speaking of Wilf’s Stache (shave that bitch already, Movember is over!), he was awarded Toyota’s biggest boner blowout as he dropped 82 points all over Ponder’s Porn Palace for a couple of private dances. However, this shouldn’t even count, as Wilf had Drew Brees (37 points?! Fantasy erection), Roddy White, Marshawn Lynch, and DeAngelo Williams all put up double digit points against … Garrett Hartley? Injured reserve. Jahvid Best? Injured reserve. Oakland’s Defense? Technically still playing, but that one was a cop out. Dammit, I can not wait to get that shit head out of the league permanently. Anyway, congrats Wilf for beating a corpse that’s been rotting for a couple months already.
Overall and Playoff Standings: As you can see from these second-to-last-regular-season standings, five of the six teams have already secured playoff spots. That means only one of the remaining 67 teams in this ginormous league is going to get into the post season and not have to play for the privilege of toilet bowl winnings. Overall, the main shake ups happened among those already in the playoffs, as PJD dropped from one to two, Parole from two to one, Tebow’s from three to five, and … whatever, you can see it all there. Do we start a pool to see who is the last moron that sneaks in? If my second grade math is correct, there should be at least four teams still fighting for that last spot. Wilf’s, Kenny Tits, Moose, and I think Percy’s could all actually sneak in the back end, and then get bumped out in the very first round. Which lucky bastard will get that honor?! I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT! Just kidding, I can. Like maybe a week.
Also, I would like to point out that I now have the most “points for” this season with a tantilizing 737. So shut up, Touchdown There.
Medal of the Week: Whoa. The medals this week got flipped upside the head. Somehow in the past couple of weeks, Feisty Fingers ended up scooping up the top spot in the overall medal awards, and right behind her? Rose. Hey, that dumb ass may not win any games, BUT HE’LL STEAL YOUR MEDALS! Good for something. Feisty also gets this week’s nod because she won the “Toyota Corolla Mr. Clutch” medal, which is pretty amusing for two reasons. First, how is a Corolla clutch? Do they mean it’s just a manual transmission? Or because it handles SO WELL on the road and snow? Because I doubt it. Second, the award is granted when the manager’s team comes from behind on a Monday night win. So, let’s all congratulate Feisty for coming from behind! Nice going!
Points for Ponder? As several teams are clawing at each other’s eyes fighting for playoff spots in real life, it’s increasing the quality play of quarterbacks around the league. This of course makes Ponder’s chipmunk antics less of a value to a team in need of a fantasy QB. Frankly, if you’re still reading this, there’s probably a zero percent chance that you’re relying on Ponder for points at this point anyway. But what about for next year? Ponder has been pretty consistently good for six or seven points, which might be nice as a late round back-up QB that you can cross your fingers will perform better in his second year with a better line, a healthy Purple Jesus, and a not potato-brained offensive coordinator calling his plays. We can hope!
Looking to the Last Week of the Regular Season: Last week I picked SHIVA to lash my ass in a winning, which he did. Clearly, it was a poor effort at reverse psychology. However, I win a solid moral victory by AGAIN picking the right team to win. My record is now 8-3-1, which would put me as the second best team in the league if it was a real team record. But it’s not. Instead, here I am picking another winner or loser for the week, the FINAL week, which may decide which one of you sad sacks gets into the playoffs this year. I should have solicited hand jobs before this selection. Anyway, there are several important games this weekend. PJD and Tebow battle it out for playoff positioning while mimicking the Vikings and Broncos battle on the real NFL field, while the other turtle furs pillow fight for the final spot. The most challenging match-up will be between SHIVA and Moose. SHIVA is already locked into the playoffs, but Moose may need to throw a curve ball to beat him and get that final spot. While SHIVA is favored to win, will Moose get Michael Vick or Ahmad Bradshaw back in time for his final playoff push? Would it make a difference if he did? I don’t think so. While Moose has some decent pieces this year, none are spectacular, which is really what you need to make the playoffs in this highly touted league. As such, SHIVA wins the game, Moose is out of the playoffs, and Percy’s Pot Dealer sneaks in to that number six spot. MAGIC GUESSING!
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy the final week of the regular season, ankle biters!
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