This week has sucked a huge dong if you ask anyone who is a huge Vikings fan. Moss gets released after being a huge asshole, Childress keeps his job while I have to work several in order to make my rent, and Michele fucking Bachman was re-elected without even offering blow jobs as incentives for votes. Is there ANYTHING that was enjoyable this week?
Well hell yes there was, I won a game in fantasy football!
Train keeps a-rolling: My possibly gay opponent, Cheeseheads, tried to play a wild this week by paying Sebastian Janikowski his weight in post-game Vodka-Redbulls if he would play a game now hung over as shit just for once. It was a smart move, as Cheesy’s kicker this week ended up being his largest point getter, and set him up for a potential upset win with Marques Colston going Sunday night. HOWEVA, the 4 points I got from the Pittsburgh defense was enough to hold him off and secure my win. Believe it or not, that was about as exciting as the games got as far as blood chilling intensity goes. There were a couple of wins that caused several league managers to make nonchalant wanking motions though. Clearly, Rose Gardeners winning BIG over Visanthe was a stunner (a shocker? FRAT BOYZ 4 LIFE!!), but maybe even more so was how he did it. A solid combination of Andre Johnson, Brandon Lloyd, and Michael Bush all put up double digits. Unfortunately, they blew their load all in one game, so I fully expect Rose to revert back to irrelevance. Another shocker was Percy’s big win over Feisty. Again, hey, two evenly matched teams, both with 5-2 records going into the weekend, what’s the big deal? What was amazing was how pathetic Feisty was as she only managed to squirt out 26 points, with Reggie Wayne as her highest scorer with seven whole points. Obviously, she was so spent from a thrashing the weekend before when she played my team that she didn’t have anything left in the tank for a much more inferior challenge. …. Yes, that’s kind of an off handed sex joke.
I regain top spot! Oh hey Percy, nice win this week over Feisty. I see we’re still tied in the win loss column. I also see that I have one more overall point than you!! FUCK YES I AM WINRAR!! 480 has never sound so sexy, unless you’re talking number of partners in a year. That’d be foul. Also of note is just how far ahead Crocs has pulled in front of everyone else in the Choad Licking Felons division. He’s got a two game lead in overall record and a winning record in-division. He’s got a couple of in-division games left, obviously, and will need to win those to secure a bye, but really right now he’s just like Ndamukong Suh swatting Santana Moss away from him during an interception return.
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Fucking awesome. It’s also heart warming to see Cheesy, Rose, and Wilf’s Stache get some wins and all sit together at 2-5. It broke my little heart when I saw some of these teams with only one win on the season, I just really wanted to share the wealth. … through other people’s wins of course, not my own. I’m greedy as shit.
Funny story: It was like last Thursday or something and I was sitting around setting my lineup. I had Carson Palmer in as my starting quarterback, because I figured why the shit not. The Bengals suck but at least Palmer can throw the ball. My other options typically are Kevin Kolb, who was on a bye, and Mark Sanchez, before he started sucking over the past few weeks as well. I was set to have Palmer start … until I asked my wife’s opinion. I gave her the two available options and she chose Sanchez, who proceeded to score two point while Palmer put up nine. Clearly the wrong decision. However, this exchange proved to be rather comical as we watched the Packers and Jets abortion of a match and cringed every time one of the Jets’ receivers dropped a pass. Assholes. I encourage you to ask your significant other (or mom maybe?) for input this week and then come back next and report the results. Base it off name, shirtless pictures, jersey colors, whatever. If they know about football though I’m not sure how funny this will be …
What about Percy now? Randy Moss is a total asshole for only thinking about himself this season and now totally fucking Percy Harvin’s fantasy value. I bet Harvin has to drop himself to the waiver in his league because he knows isn’t going to do shit to help spread the field. And this past week was messed up too. I’ll bet a trillion dildos that outside of Adrian Peterson and maybe Longwell, everyone in fantasy had the other Vikings scorers on the bench. Oh, you DIDN’T start Naufahu Tahi and Tarvaris Jackson in your league? Well, they could have both netted you six easy points! You idiot! Going forward, I wouldn’t recommend this strategy though. Favre should still be a fine seventh QB option, and Peterson is still a point monster. I would maybe reconsider Shanko, who has been noticeably absent in recent weeks but will undoubtedly get targeted more now with Moss out the door. And if you’re smart you’d pick up Tinucci’s catering off the waiver wire, because after Moss said he wouldn’t feed their shit food to his dog, they’re bound to get a bunch of sympathy business. Just saying.
Looking forward: Going forward, we have a slate of great games. My team faces off with the other division leading Crocs in what will obviously be an epic fucking battle of perfectly managed fantasy football teams that will end with two battling guitar solos on top of a mountain in the middle of a lightning storm and dragons spitting fire. Then there’ll be Ass Virginity and Percy’s, which won’t be NEAR as awesome, but I have a suspicious it will still be a sneaking good match up. AV has been playing tough this year and has a team that I think goes up and down a bit (sounds like Parole Models in real life ….!) and could definitely give Percy’s a run for his money. Speaking of ladies, we have the first ever Scissoring Match as Parole and Feisty have what I am assuming will be a slap fight, only to be out pussified (amazingly) but Cheesy and Rose fighting to see who can go 3-5 and knock the other one down to potentially being the biggest loser that’s ever lost in a game of losing. IDIOT.
Enjoy the games, and get to shit talking. I think Percy’s drops a poopy load this weekend and sucks it up. Thoughts?
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