Feeling up your Draft Picks 2010: Everson Griffen

With the 2010 NFL Draft officially in the books, it is now time to sit the new fresh meat down and POUND them for info on who the hell you are exactly. Today, we continue with the Vikings third selection from the beginning of the first round, former USC defensive end Everson Griffen …

Name: Everson Griffen. Nickname? Maybe bitch tits? Seriously, you see a picture of him with his shirt off and I may be momentarily tempted to squeeze those bosoms together and drop some hot butter between them. … Because they look like tits, you see, and dudes love tits! … Well. This preview is starting off terribly. Measurables: With Griffen’s large breasts, he’s also a large dude. He’s six foot three inches in his pump heels (I don’t even know what those are) and tips the scale at 273 pounds IN HIS CHEST! Yes! Another boob joke. These are fun. He’s got fat guy cop speed too, after he clocked in with a 4.66 40-yard dash. That was second among defensive linemen. That’s fucking crazy. He’s got to be faster than Tahi at least, don’t you think? Also, he put up 32 reps on the bench press which puts him in the top ten. But hey, you have to be strong to carry all that other top heavy weight around, right? BOOBS! Ok, I’ll stop. Three smiles: Griffen is a damn freak. I remember when he was being recruited out of high school and was sending around his high school tape or something. It was outrageous. Back then, he looked chiseled as a grizzly bear. Let’s be honest. I’m making boob jokes today only because his chest is ripped like he got breast implants. Kind of wild. Griffen has all the damn wild ability you could want in the world. He’s fast, can rush the passer, is stout as hell, and can scare the shit out of people. These are things that I enjoy in a defensive linemen; making people poop their pants. Right? Good quality. No smiles: He’s an immature little ass hat sometimes. The most frustrating thing about people like Everson Griffen (and Troy Williamson for that matter, since I’ve wanted to tear him a new butt hole on Twitter recently for being a jack ass) is that they have all the damn talent in the world but never put in the time. Now, let’s be real for a second. I am probably super talented at something as well like … Oh, drawing tentacle porn or whatever … but I don’t put all my time into it like I should. This is just like Griffen and Williamson. Should I be crucified too? I don’t know. But I also haven’t hauled in billions of Californian females ass or seven digit figures in a month, so fuck them. Now. With that being said, if Griffen decides he wants to actually participate in the NFL some day this Vikings’ draft pick is going to SMUSH. I really like it then. I just hope he grows up. Who be mad: Damn, you know Ray Edwards be mad. In fact, Capital J reported as much earlier this week with his he said/she said speculative stuff which I believe because I have no reason not too. And hey, Ray Ray should be upset, but only upset with himself. Think about this. What if Ray Ray played the game with the Vikings, signed his tender, agreed on a contract that was still worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, all without testing free agency? Think the Vikings still make this pick with A, Robison, Mitchell, Montgomery, and a newly minted Edwards at defensive end? Fuck and no. They end up taking some fatty for the offensive line like they should have. So sure, Ray’s going to be upset but I don’t care an owl’s hoot. … I’m not really sure if people say that either. We likey? Oh, we likey. I have a short term memory span so I don’t remember what the team’s other options were at the top of the fourth round, but you probably weren’t going to find better talent. Since coming out of high school as one of the top ranked players in the country, Griffen’s whole life has been building up to this moment where he could be a first round stud NFL draft pick. Well, he wasn’t picked in the first round because he didn’t try very hard in college and that’s a concern. If he puts that effort in, gets coached up by Dunbar and peer pressured to clean the Williams brother’s bidets, and becomes an awesome D-end? Fuck and yes. Vikings win the day. I’ll take that chance with the fourth round. Just college livin’ it up: As stated, Everson Griffen slipped in the draft because of wanking-motion maturity issues. Whatever, NFL, grow the fuck up. The Big Lead had a story a while ago (with pictures which I have stolen ceremoniously) that touched on some of this. So go check that link out and ogle the pictures below. Also, I have included a hack job photoshop of Everson Griffen’s head on a Griffin’s body because why not. Tell your friends. So, do we like? Another Steal of the Draft? A locker room cancer (No Udeze jokes, bastards!)? Let us know in the comments.