Ever notice how some professional sports nicknames are absolutely terrible? Above all else that nickname defines a team–it’s on the jerseys, the merchandise, the letterhead; it’s how the team is known–yet some organizations insist on perpetuating monikers that are mediocre, generic, uninspired, or, worse, offensive.
Each major sport–baseball, football, basketball, and even hockey–has myriad examples of teams that should ditch their current nicknames and adopt a new, better one. Luckily for them, I’m here to help. Since going team by team through the hundred some odd pro sports franchises in America is a bit of a logistical challenge, I’ve pared the list down to the 5 most egregious instances of nickname abuse in each sport.
What follows is a team by team breakdown of why the current nickname has to go and a proposal for a better option. But first, some explanation. I have a strong preference towards regionally relevant nicknames. ‘Rangers’ for a New York team is dumb because it’s meaningless. Same thing with ‘Lakers’ in LA (where there are no lakes) or ‘Jazz’ in Utah (where there are no, um, nvm). Nicknames should also be at least a little intimidating, so ‘Ducks’ is out, but conversely teams shouldn’t overvalue the intimidation factor of a image on a jersey, like the Predators do. Finally, I believe that sports should be an escape and a source of entertainment, therefore team names should’t offend anyone. A team name shouldn’t characterize an entire group of people. ‘Redskins’ and ‘Indians’ are out.
Lets get going.
[button color=”blue” link=””]NFL[/button]Redskins: Obviously, this is the first thing on our list. Quite frankly, the fact that the Washington DC football franchise squandered the opportunity to name themselves after something to do with the nation’s capital when they moved to DC is as disappointing as their current racist name. If you are a DC team how can you not take advantage of where you are? There are lots of great patriotic, government, or military themed name choices. Mine? Admirals.
Jaguars: Are there any Jaguars in Florida? NO! Why name your team the Jaguars? Stupid. They chose intimidation and alliteration over a cool name. You know what is in northern Florida, right near Jacksonville, though? St. Augustine, the oldest European settlement in the New World. It was founded in 1565 by Spanish Conquistadores. You know what would make a great name: the Florida Conquistadores. Yes, its a mouthful, but it’s cool and still not as bad as the Arizona Diamondbacks. Go ‘Dores!
Cardinals: Again, what do Cardinals have to do with Arizona? We need something more topical. There are a bunch of cool desert names to choose from but those are kind of generic and boring. A great name for the Arizona football team… the Sheriffs! Why is no team called the Sheriffs? Its so cool! It’s got a Western flare and is intimidating. Just gotta keep Joe Arpaio from sullying the name and we’re good to go.
Bengals: Are there tigers in Cincinnati? Where did this come from? Isn’t it kind of disrespecting your city if you think that the potential names from that place are so bad that you have to pick one from halfway around the globe? Cincinnati is home to the first full time fire department in the US. That’s cool. How about the Cincinnati Firefighters? or Firemen. Whichever.
Lions: Same deal. The worst part is that Detroit has such a good name theme already in place. The Pistons got it right with the car theme but the Tigers and Lions botched it. Why circus animals in the industrial center of the US? Stupid. How about the Diesel? or the Horsepower? or the Hot Rods? Anything is better.
Honorable mentions: Chargers (Gauchos), Rams (Explorers), Texans (Oilers, kudos to the predecessors).
[button color=”blue” link=””]NBA[/button]On the whole, the NBA’s names are terrible. It was really difficult to pick just 5 to discuss, mostly because there were so many that were hard to justify leaving out.
Pelicans: Actually, surprisingly, this name isn’t terrible. It’s regionally specific (the state bird of Louisiana is the Pelican) and that’s refreshing in today’s NBA. The thing is, the New Orleans basketball team has the potential to have one of the best names in all of sports: the New Orleans Jazz. How awesome is that? Jazz is New Orleans. The two are synonymous. When you think of the Big Easy, you can’t help but think of the French Quarter and people rocking out to a saxophone outside with Mardi Gras beads and hurricanes. Coupled with the Saints, the Jazz would give NOLA two incredibly specific and exceptionally well-fitting team names. In fact, this isn’t some new, breaking news. The New Orleans Jazz existed from 1974-1979 before moving to Utah.
Jazz: What a stupid name for a team from Utah! ‘Jazz’ needs to be returned to its rightful home and the Utah basketball team needs to come up with something new. You know what Utah has a lot of (other than Mormons)? Parks, they have a lot of national parks. What about the Utah Rangers? That’s cool, if a bit unoriginal. My friend from Utah also suggested the Utah Red Rocks and I like that too. At least it has some character. Utah Jazz would be the most embarrassingly bad name for an NBA franchise if it wasn’t for the…..
Wizards: How was this allowed to fly? What is wrong with the people in DC that they don’t know how to capitalize on being the capital? The Nationals figured it out. The city’s sports teams should have coordinated red, white and blue uniforms across all sports, much the same way all the Pittsburgh teams are black and yellow. The Nationals in baseball, the Admirals in football (see above), the Capitals in hockey, and the Senators in basketball. Generals is a tempting name but it has such a long and storied history of losing- the Generals went 6 – 13,000 between 1955 and 1995 playing the Harlem Globetrotters every night (including multiple 3,000+ game losing streaks). What in the world does Wizards have to do with Washington? Poor effort. Needs to be fixed.
Raptors: Any team named after Jurassic Park must get a new name immediately. The Raptors held a fan vote to determine the new team’s name and ‘Raptors’ won in the wake of the movie’s popularity. Someone really should have stepped in there. There are two main problems with the name ‘Raptors’: 1) How does Canada’s only basketball team have such a generic name? and 2) since the time the name was picked, we have learned a lot more about Velociraptors. Apparently, far from being a fearsome mini-T-Rex, it was actually more like a giant chicken with a long tail that could jump really high. I’m not kidding. A better name? How about the Trappers. Canada-specific, cool, and the mascot could be a beaver dribbling a ball or something.
Lakers: Ok, this one’s controversial, I know. The Lakers have a long and storied history as the Lakers and are basketball’s premiere franchise. Here’s the thing: the name made sense when they were the Minnesota Lakers–Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes. In LA, it makes no sense and is stupid. It’s basically the Utah Jazz redux. It’s nearly impossible to come up with a name to rival the cache of Los Angeles Lakers but I’ll give it a shot. What about the Condors. The California Condor is a very cool, intimating, location-specific bird and would make a cool nickname. The Los Angeles Condors. Or even the California Condors. I gave it a shot.
Honorable Mentions: Clippers (Quakes), Nets (Bridges), Warriors (Presidios).
[button color=”blue” link=””]NHL[/button]Before I begin I want to make clear that Columbus Blue Jackets is a cool name. No, a blue jacket isn’t going to instill fear in the heart of your opponent but it’s got a Civil War thing going on and I like it. It stays.
Wild: Not a great name. I guess your opinion of it depends a little on what you think of non-S names in general but I think Minnesota could do much better. How about the Bison? That’s cool and continues the non-S tradition.
Rangers: What does a ranger have to do with New York? Apparently, the guy who owned the team a while back was named Tex and they called the team Tex’s Rangers and the name stuck. That’s dumb. What about the Empires, that’s much better. They could make the colors navy and white to fit in with the Yankees or black and white to go with the Nets/Bridges. There’s potential here but one poorly named red, white, and blue team in New York is silly.
Predators: A case of intimidation factor washing out regional relevance. Predators sounds like the name of a generic Disney movie team. I tried to play off the whole Music City, USA thing when coming up with a new name but struggled. Turns out, however, that Nashville is the ‘Athens of the South’ so how about Gladiators. That’s not bad.
Kings: Again, what does that have to do with anything? If your team is going to represent your region or city, why wouldn’t you want a name that depicts some aspect of the character of that place? Honestly, however, after fixing the Lakers and Clippers, I’m a little out of LA team name ideas. How about the Aqueducts? Go ‘Ducts! Fans could wave duct tape in the air after goals or something.
Ducks: ‘Ohh, I’m so scared, we’re playing the Ducks tonight, oooohhhhh.’ Boo. Just because the only good hockey movie ever is about your team does not mean it has a good name. Are there even ducks in southern California? Are there ducks everywhere? Pick a better name.
Honorable Mentions: Panthers (I don’t know, something better than Panthers)
[button color=”blue” link=””]MLB[/button]Before we start we have to cover the Reds, Red Sox, and White Sox. I like those names. At this point they are so old that they have developed a regional identity even if they are colors and/or articles of clothing. They stay.
Indians: Almost as bad as Redskins (you’ll notice that Blackhawks and Chiefs did not make the list. The reasons why I find difficult to articulate but I assure you there was some serious thought given to the issue). Chief Wahoo is on his way out but the name needs to go as well. If only to avoid stuff like this. For a replacement, I was trying to come up with something to do with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame but nothing good stuck. Instead, I played off the Great Lakes thing and went with the Cleveland Tankers. (Editors note: this name also sucks.)
Braves: Yes, this one is tough. The Braves have a long and multi-city history of being the Braves. The Native American thing is a little played out though and we can do better. Atlanta has the busiest airport in the whole world. There’s got to be a cool flight or airport/line/plane thing that could be done there. I came up with the Jets which is admittedly unoriginal and terrible but I think I’m on the right track. Other options include: Airmen, Peach Pies,
Marlins: Marlin is the name of an old man that lives in Florida, not the baseball team. I like the whole fish thing but Marlin was the wrong name. Sailfish? Swordfish? Both sound a little off when paired with the city name. How about the Keys, for the Florida Keys? Miami is tough one because my brain gets stuck on Miami Cubanos as an awesome name that’s totally perfect except completely unacceptable.
Tigers: See above on the Lions. Detroit can do way better than this. How about the Mustangs! ‘The 2015 Ford Mustang, official car of Detroit Mustangs baseball.” It’s cool. It’s a little corporate-y but I think it works.
Blue Jays: Again, very non-specific. I’m not that familiar with Toronto so I don’t know what would be a better option but I have no doubt there are some better choices with more character. The Universal Healthcares? The Long Cold Winters? The Crack Smoking Mayor Fords? (that was probably a bit too easy).
Honorable Mentions: Padres, Angels, Pirates, Royals
This is obviously a fiercely debatable topic with many wrong answers and very few right ones. I took a stab at it but see if you can do better. OTBB will publish anybody that would like to take an honest shot at as many or as few as they’d like.
-Max Frankel
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