Former Vikings RB Michael Bennett Tried to Steal Your Identity

Well, probably not YOURS specifically, but definitely someones. And then he tried to do wire fraud and tax fraud too. And he got caught. And now he’s going to jail. I suppose this isn’t surprising considering he went to school at Wisconsin.

Anyway, former Minnesota Vikings RB Michael Bennett is on his way to prison for a couple of years. As stated, he was involved with some pretty criminal activities which included the aforementioned, in partnership with defensive tackle William Joseph. Your could probably call this a pretty big fall from grace for the former Vikings running back, who had that one awesome year like 30 decades ago when he ran for over 1,200 yards in his second year. People were all excited that Robert Smith was replaced in one fell draft pick swoop, until he broke his foot running on a treadmill. He eventually left the Vikings and went to Kansas City, the Buccaneers, San Diego, and finally Oakland before people were like, “Hey, this guy isn’t good. Why do we keep signing him?” On the plus side, he might be able to experience the thrill of being a first round pick again in the Prison Leagues.

With this new information about Michael Bennett and his off-field activities, a lot of “player performance issues” actually become resolved. We’ll explain more after the jump:

You may remember there were several Vikings players that have come and gone from the team since Michael Bennett was a member of the purple. Some of these players showed great flashes in the pan and then mysteriously “disappeared” or at the very least seemed to be … LESS THAN … in previous years. We all assumed at the time it was just a drop in production, or that the player’s single year of success was some type of fluke. But with this new Bennett information? No way. It’s clear what happened. Take these guys for example:

• Sidney Rice – 2009: Remember the great year receiver Sidney Rice had in 2009? He hauled in over 1,300 yards and 8 touchdowns that year, before becoming oddly injured in 2010 and never regaining form. The official story was that he had hip surgery and never fully healed. Sounds likely, but the real truth was that Michael Bennett stole his Social Security Number and had the real Sidney shipped in the dead of night to Colombia never to be seen again. His replacement certainly didn’t like up to expectations, but that had to do with the fact that he was actually a drug smuggler from Jamaica. You could tell because of the Rastafarian dreadlocks.
• Brett Favre – 2009: Similar to Rice, Brett Favre fell victim to Michael Bennett’s scheming. In 2008, after being traded from the Green Bay Packers to the New York Jets, Favre “retired” before unretiring and coming to play for the Vikings. Yet in the two years before coming to the Vikings, Favre had already shown who he was as a player, and it wasn’t good. Interceptions to finish his Packers career, and a back breaking stretch of football in the second half of the season as a Jet to wrap up his year there. The real mystery isn’t what happened to him AFTER his successful 2009 season as a Viking, but who the hell that player in purple was the year? Truth is, Bennett was found to have stolen his identity and replaced Favre with the bones of Norman Van Brocklin, who played like a ghost possessed that year, almost getting the Vikings their Super Bowl. When Favre finally finished continent hopping in order to restore his identity, the Vikings were none the wiser and asked him to come back in 2010. We all know how that played out.
• Daunte Culpepper – 2004: Michael Bennett actually didn’t do anything here. Culpepper toe his knee up and just sucked the rest of his career. This is undeniable fact. And he never was a Jedi. That lying bastard.
• Chester Taylor – 2006: When the Vikings signed Chester Taylor from the Ravens in 2006, they knew they were getting a running back who had starting potential, but they weren’t at all ready to be pleasantly surprised when he rushed for over 1,200 yards and 6 touchdowns during a losing season. Michael Bennett heard about this performance from his former team and decided that was enough, as he sent an email to Taylor alerting him of millions of dollars saved for him by an African prince, if only Taylor would share his credit card information to process the transaction, and visit this prince in Africa. Taylor went, despite his recent payday, and was never actually heard from again. Bennett orchestrated a replacement to appear as a backup for the Vikings behind Adrian Peterson and eventually in Chicago, but no one ever noticed him there anyway.
• Adrian Peterson – 2011: Luckily, Michael Bennett tried to steal Adrian Peterson’s identity this last year when he faked an injury to the purple deity. Bennett’s plan was to replace Purple Jesus with the former Chicago Bears’ running back of the same name, Adrian Peterson. But no one fell for it, since Purple Jesus has no other comparable Earthly image. This, in fact, is what led to Bennett’s arrest and eventual jail time.

Regardless, best of luck to the guy. Hopefully he gets that starting job in the Prison Leagues. He also should be too surprised by any foul play in the showers, as he was briefly teammates with Fred Smoot. Shouldn’t be a problem.