From the Book of Pat

Occasionally, members of the Minnesota Vikings will pass along updates from their own books in the Bible of the Purple Jesus. Today, we have a few verses from the Vikings’ Pat Williams who shares some of his thoughts on this past season:

It wuz some crazy year, man. ‘S coo’, bro. Second year wid Coach wuz definitely different dan de fust. He dun didn’t bust mah’ chops as much, and let me feed da bud mo’e pie den last year. Ah be baaad… ah’ dink ah’ convinced him durin’ de fust year he wuz here dat mah’ weight duzn’t affect mah’ speed dat much cuz’ I stay in there condishun all year long by chasin’ dem honky goats waaay down fo’ some game uh belly taggin’. But dis year wuz crazy, man. ‘S coo’, bro. De offense sucked. It wuz baaaad. De beginnin’ uh de year wuz some disaster, especially dat Mo-town game. ah’ mean, it’s hard fo’ some dude dat, on de reco’d, weighs in at 317 t’chase waaay down de quarterback and sack dem all game, while also havin’ t’make all de plays behind da damn line uh scrimmage mah’self. When be dis team goin’ t’get some pass rushin’ D end, so’s dat ah’ don’t gots’ta go t’de sidelines and vomit afta’ every play? Gots ya’ seen me dree snaps into some game? ah’ look likes some damn blueberry I’m sweatin’ mah’ sack off. Cut me some slack and dig me some playmakers! Right on!

Anyway, we started playin’ some little better, ah’ smack rapped some uh de brother out uh TJ and he started t’find his groove, and obviously, Coach finally gots some wits and gave da damn ball t’de Jesus. Jesus! Right on! He balled, all season man, he balled. ah’ rememba’ afta’ dat San Diego game when he broke da damn sin’le game reco’d fo’ rushin’ yards ah’ went down t’him in de foed quarter, between Dome Dogs, and congratulated him on showin’ down LT in some game and he turned t’me all buggy eyed likes he wuz lost, sweat pourin’ waaay down his face. He plum started noddin’, and noddin’, and den started mumblin’ shit about how he brothered out and couldn’t rememba’ a doodad fum de game. Ha! Right on! Oh man, ah’ mos’ busted mah’ gut. Man! Dat Jesus be hilarious.

Overall, de team improved and we gots some supa fine pieces t’build on. ‘S coo’, bro. We mos’ made da damn playoffs, and actually whooped da damn childhood molestashun memo’ies out uh dat Mannin’ kid dat one da damn Supuh’ Bowl dis year, so’s ya’ know we’re close. ah’ also gots mah’ contract ‘estension so’s dat ah’ can finish mah’ carea’ here as some Vikin’. Maybe when ah’ retire ah’ can stick around here o’ go steal some fishin’ cabin in Wisconsin. ‘S coo’, bro. Mmmmmm … dey gots some supa fine dick goats upside dere.