Fun with Winamp

There is a full length Twins post coming up later today, so I’m going to avoid them this go ’round in the weekly review. There are really only three subjects I want to review this week.

ITEM ONE: In my orignal plan, I thought there would be a lot more coverage of local events here in Victoria. Turns out, not a lot goes on around town. In any case, after complaining about the “Celine Dion Newsletter” as I like to call it, I discovered the Chanhassen Villager, which is a legitimate paper. They actually have a two page insert every week that covers news in Victoria. The two important things learned from this are that A) our best source of local news isn’t produced locally, and B) everything that happens in Victoria in a week can be summarized in 2 pages. In any case, I’ll hopefully touch on these topics in future weeks in review. But I sincerely doubt anyone wants to hear about bond measures for sewer treatment in the Swiss Mountain neighborhood. Every. Single. Week.

ITEM TWO: There are a few things that bothered me about the most recent issue of ESPN the Magazine this week, and that’s without touching on the fact that they barely mention the NHL playoffs at all. That ship has likely already sailed anyways. No no. In about three pages, there were three things that were completely objectionable. First, in the contents (they pissed me off in the contents!), they say in parenthesees for their feature on page 76 that “…somebody’s got to show the East some love.” Are you freaking kidding? Is this why we are treated to all 18 games between the Red Sox and Yankees every season, because ESPN honestly believes the East isn’t getting enough love? (Granted, they were talking about the NBA, but honestly, the only East that doesn’t get enough love on the Worldwide Leader is Eastern Europe. Come on! Hungarians are people too!)
Secondly, and not much further down the road, Bill Simmons alledges that, rather than looking up to boxers, kids these days want to be the next Lebron, Griffey, Brady or Tiger. Sure. Wait. No. Lebron, yes, Brady, yes. Griffey? Maybe 10 years ago. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to grow up to be on the disabled list for almost every ailment conceivable, including, most recently, a lower intestinal disorder. OOH! when I grow up, I want to miss 15 days of work with explosive diarrhea! No. And I sincerely doubt that the kids who would have otherwise wanted to be boxers went to the complete opposite end of the pro sports spectrum, dreaming instead of wearing visors and polo shirts while endorsing old people cars and hanging out with rich white dudes.
Lastly, and perhaps the most offensive, was Stuart Scott in his ridiculously contrived “Two Way” feature. Usually, he gives off the aura that he is the moral authority on everything, even though he pretty much never is. The two main topics in his ridiculous Two Way this week were the Pacman Jones suspension and the Don Imus-Rutgers fiasco. He starts by expressing his outrage at Imus calling the team “Nappy Headed Hoes”, then goes on to say that he is OK with African Americans using the N-word. All right. By the way, Imus never used the N-word. Later in this piece, he expresses his concern for Pacman Jones, who he says is not a “bad guy”. The last line is the one I have the biggest problem with, however: “Personally… I’ll take Pacman’s indiscretions over those of Imus.” So there you have it. Stu Scott prefers gun violence to misguided commentary from disc jockeys.

ITEM THREE: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the NFL draft. I let Winamp run on the Victoria Times computer, (which bears a striking resemblence to the Victoria-Weather computer), and tried to interpret what Winamp thought of the picks. Here are some highlights of songs played during certain picks.
1. Raiders – Jamarcus Russell – You Can’t Always Get What You Want, Rolling Stones.
It’s interesting because this was the theme song for ESPN this year. Additionally, shouldn’t you get what you want at Number 1? Is Al Davis pulling too many strings there?
2. Lions – Calvin Johnson – Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around, Stevie Nicks, Tom Petty.
Millen drafted another wide receiver?!
3. Browns – Joe Thomas – Dilemma, Nelly, Kelly Rowland.
Do they select Thomas? Do they nab Brady Quinn? Turns out, it wasn’t really that big of a dilemma.
4. Buccaneers – Gaines Adams – Crossroads, Bone Thugs ‘n’ Harmony.
I’m not sure who is at the crossroads, because it could be Adams, given his recently revealed use of marijuana, the Bucs who are threatening to slip back into oblivion or, more likely, John Gruden who is on the precipice of slipping into insanity.
5. Cardinals – Levi Brown – 7 Deadly Sins, Travelling Wilburys.
Ooh, that’s a bad sign. One of the deadly sins, I believe, is sending offensive tackles to play in Phoenix.
9. Dolphins – Ted Ginn – Don’t Let Me Down, ELO.
Maybe one of the iffiest picks in the draft, and Winamp is putting even more pressure on Cam Cameron on this sketchy pick.
15. Steelers – Lawrence Timmons – Let’s Get It On, Marvin Gaye.
My computer has a little crush on Timmons apparently, and I’m more than a little concerned.
18. Bengals – Leon Hall – Rock Superstar, Cypress Hill.
This either means Hall will be a superstar in Cincinnati, or, given the situation, will more likely party like a rock star in Cincy.
20. Giants – Aaron Ross – AwwNaww, Nappy Roots
Definitely the most ominous Winamp projection. Sorry, Giants fans.
22. Browns – Brady Quinn – I Want to Know What Love Is, Foreigner
I really have know idea what this portends. Perhaps Brady and that blonde girl on his arm are on the rocks. I really don’t know.
32. Colts – Anthony Gonzalez – Sabotage, Beastie Boys
I think this pick doomed the Vikings to pick some crappy receiver from South Carolina again.

Well, those are the highlights. Any more you would like to know? Do I have too much time on my hands? Oh, by the way, after the first round, I think the Vikings had a bad draft. That’s all the analysis you get.