Note: this isn’t supposed to be accurate in any way, shape, or form, but I figured the Patrick “20 cent” Kane incident needed a Guys On Ice treatment, just to be funny. -LD
***Welcome to the Official Chat room of the NHL!***
Kane_Is_Able: Man, It’s such a nice day out!
Kousin_Kane: Yeah, it’s a great day to sit around in the sun and drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade. You want one?
Kane_Is_Able: I dunno…I shouldn’t drink.
Kousin_Kane: Oh come on, there’s no alcohol in a Mike’s Lemonade.
Kane_Is_Able: OK, fine. I’ll have one, I guess.
***2 hours and a 12 pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade later…***
Kane_Is_Able: WOWEE! Ziss Shtuff is GOOD!
Kousin_Kane: Yeah, I know. It’s too bad you drank almost the whole 12-pack.
Kane_Is_Able: Are you shurrrre dere’s no al-kee-holl in dese tings?
Kousin_Kane: No worries, cuz. Say, I was on the Craigslist earlier and I got us a date with two fine, fine babes on Chippewa Street.
Kane_Is_Able: Shey HAVE DOSE?
Kousin_Kane: Well, yeah, but we gotta go now or we’ll be late.
***Welcome to Chippewa Street Bar Chat room!***
Kane_Is_Able: BARTANDAH! You gots any Mike’s Lemonaaaaaade?
Bartender: No, but we have Smirnoff Ice…
Kane_Is_Able: I dunno if I want that cuz it sounds like the vodka kinda Smirnooofffff.
Kousin_Kane: No…It’s uh, a non-alcoholic drink that’s just owned by Smirnoff.
Kane_Is_Able: Oh good, I’ll take two!
Kousin_Kane: Nah, I don’t want one. I gotta be on the lookout for Rachel and Ann. They said they’d both be wearing red tanks tops and plaid short shorts.
Kane_Is_Able: Can you believe it? These Ices cost me 12 bucks! An’ dere ain’t even alk’holl in ’em–HOLY CRAP! LOOKIT DAT FAT CHICK!
Kousin_Kane: That’s nice, Patrick, but I don’t think they heard that in SCOTLAND! …Ah crap, she’s the only one in here with a red tank top and plaid short shorts.
Kane_Is_Able: Maybe she ate the Craigslist girls!
Kousin_Kane: Excuse me, you in the red top, do you know either Rachel or Ann? I met them on Craigslist and they were supposed to be here…
Rachel_Ann: Uh…My name is Rachel Ann. I’m one person. I did the ad.
Kane_Is_Able: Holy crap, she’s gotta have 2 names cuz she’s too fat for just one!
Kousin_Kane: But the ad said you were two skinny Japanese chicks looking for a good time!
Rachel_Ann: And YOUR ad said that you were a 7 foot tall black man with a 13-inch–
Kousin_Kane: OK, Patrick, let’s just go home.
Kane_Is_Able: Can we get those crackers on the way? Like dos ones wit the peanut butter in ’em?
Kousin_Kane: Yes, we can, just as soon as we get away from the crazy fat lady.
Kane_Is_Able: Where’s your carrr?
Kousin_Kane: I dunno! Screw it, let’s just get a taxi and get the car tomorrow.
***Taxi_driver has entered the chat room!***
***Taxi_Driver has taken Kane_Is_Able and Kousin_Kane home!***
Kousin_Kane: OK, Patrick, we’re home!
Kane_Is_Able: Where are the crackers at?
Kousin_Kane: they’re, uh, on the way. Just let me pay the taxi guy.
Taxi_Driver: Well, you see, I don’t have the twenty cents, just the dollar–
Kousin_Kane: Don’t worry about it, you can keep it all.
Kane_Is_Able: BUT IF WE DON’T HAVE THE 20 CENTS HOW ARE WE GONNA GET CRACKERS?
Kousin_Kane: Christcakes, why are going on about crackers?
Kane_Is_Able: Cuz, if I don’t get crackers, I might puke…
Kousin_Kane: Was that thunder I just heard?
Taxi_Driver: Nah, it’s just my stomach actin’ up again.
Kousin_Kane: You know, I heard ginger tea is supposed to be real good for that.
Taxi_Driver: I heard that too, but I don’t like ginger.
Kane_Is_Able: How can you not like gingers, ya racist JERK?! Summa my best friends are gingers!
***Kane_Is_Able flails drunkenly at Taxi_Driver and somehow breaks his glasses***
***Cops have entered the chat room!***
***Welcome to Erie County Holding Center chat room!***
Kane_Is_Able: James, dis SUCKS!
Kousin_Kane: You shoulda thought of that before you punched the guy and took his money.
Kane_Is_Able: I didn’t take any money! Wait….
Kousin_Kane: What?
Kane_Is_Able: Is that…Ryan Miller?
Kousin_Kane: Why would he be around here?
Miller_Time: YES! I’m Ryan Miller! Christ, as if it’s not bad enough being here already…
Kane_Is_Able: So why ‘re ya here?
Kousin_Kane: Maybe we shouldn’t bug him–
Miller_Time: Nah, I’ll have to explain it to the judge and stuff anyway. Well, you know how some times a massage parlor can also be a whorehouse?
Kane_Is_Able: Hurr, hurr, hurr.
Miller_Time: Well, I didn’t know this place was one of them. I was just getting a massage–no sex stuff, mind you–and I hear this “OPEN UP! It’s the POLICE!” And I go, “You know who else opens for police? Yo momma.” They didn’t find that funny for some reason.
Baliff_Bill: Mr. Miller, someone posted your bail. You can leave now.
Miller_Time: Sweet, I’m outta here.
***Miller_time has left the chat room!***
Kane_Is_Able: We should call Toews to post our bail!
Kousin_Kane: But he’s nowhere near here…is he?
Kane_Is_Able: CALL HIM!
***Kousin_Kane calls DontToewsMeBro***
DontToewsMeBro: Hello?
Kousin_Kane: Hi, Um, you don’t know me, but I’m Patrick Kane’s cousin and he and me need you to bail us out of jail.
DontToewsMeBro: I’d love to, but no can do. I just bailed Sharp outta jail for mooning people.
Kane_Is_Able: Again?
Kousin_Kane: Well, fine, but Toews–one more thing…
DontToewsMeBro: Yeah?:
Kousin_Kane: Learn to freakin’ spell.
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