EDIT: Cincinnati said they didn't talk to Tommy Tuberville before Saturday morning so that story was just that, a story. So I'm going to make one up. Why? Because I can do that!
Here is the true, real life story of how Tommy Tuberville left Texas Tech.
It was a dark Saturday morning in Lubbock, Texas. Tommy Tuberville was sleeping in his bed. It is one of those beds that comes down from the wall. Tommy slept in one during his youth. Growing up where he grew up, that's all his family could afford. Tommy woke up to the sound of Hollaback Girl blasting on his cell phone. "Why do I have such an old, stupid song as my ringtone a decade after it stopped being popular?" Tubs wondered as he reached over to pick up the phone. Just then, his arm was caught by a strange figure in the darkness. It was an alien. The alien was not the type of alien from the movie Alien, but it was the type of alien from ET. Tommy was startled but at the same time he was looking at a similar alien as ET, so he wasn't scared. Gwen Stefani stopped singing and the phone went to silence. The alien released Tommy's arm as the room faded back into darkness.
Tommy hopped out of bed and ran to turn on a light to find the alien. As he did, his bed slammed closed into the wall. He flipped the switch, turned to the wall. Blood was all over the previously pristine white carpet. On the floor lay half the alien's body. Tommy was startled by the tones of Hollaback Girl and rushed to pick up the phone, lest he wake up his sleeping family. On the other end was Whit Babcock, the Cincinnati AD. Without as much as a hello, Tuberville said "Remember what happened at Auburn? It's happening again. If you help me take care of this, I'll be your coach. We can't let this get out."
Babcock responded "I'm on a private jet heading towards Lubbock. Let me take care of the pilot and I'll head for the mother ship. This plane is a lot better than the single engine I flew back then. Find the transmitter and text me the coordinates."
While Babcock was talking, but Tuberville was one step ahead of him already searching the bottom half for the transmitter. Nothing. He looked back towards the wall and began pulling down the Murphy bed. "How much of a weirdo was this Murphy guy that he thought a bed in the wall was cool?" he said aloud. He pulled the bed down. Nothing. He raced his hands over the sheets, tossed off the blankets and pillows and could not believe his eyes. The top half had begun the process of regeneration. He just happened to look up towards the wall as the alien, who now looked like the alien from Alien, but smaller because it was cut in half, was in flight towards his face. Tommy rolled off the bed, letting the bed catapult up to catch the alien's dissension. It slammed against the wall. Tommy sat on the floor and let out a sigh of relief. He wrapped the lower half in one of the blankets so the alien could not get back together and clone itself. That's a thing that happens.
The slice of the alien's claws on his back gave him a pain reminiscent of the time Texas Tech lost 9 of their last 10 games the past 2 seasons. He spun and lay on the floor. The alien mounted and prepared to shoot out the thing from it's mouth. Just then, the alien was stunned by a shotgun blast. It turned it's head to the door and there was a bloody, tattered clothed Whit Babcock. The alien turned back towards Tommy, who hit it like he was trying to rip the headset off a graduate assistant. Tommy turned to Whit and said "How did you know to come here?" Whit walked over to help his friend off the ground and sheepishly replied, "I tried calling the Texas Tech AD. He didn't answer his phone. That's when I knew he was trying to kill you. I had to deal with one of these earlier this week, you know. An alien by the name of Butch."
"This is what happens when the protectors of the galaxy are separated!" Tommy said as he let out a hearty laugh. "I guess I'm going to Cincinnati now, Whit." The two shook hands just as the alien's body disintegrated in a brilliant flash of light. That was enough to wake the rest of the family. Once they all rushed into the living room, Tommy looked at them, started a USA chant and said "Family, we are going to Cincinnati."
That's exactly what happened. The end.
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