(This is my new series of blogs called “How it really went down.” Pretty much, I try and rehash what possibly went down behind closed doors between the Sabres and Bills. I don’t know how long I’m going to stick with it, but it’s something I just came up with.)
I know we are about knee deep in Pegulamania. Hell, I’m waiting for a TV movie about this guy to hit the airwaves. He’s a Sabres fan! He drinks beer?! He has season tickets!? He’s pissed off because Hank left Buffalo?! He’s filthy, stinking rich?! He’s going to raise up the waterfront project by the same methods that Master Yoda raised Skywalker’s X-wing class ship in Empire Strikes Back. He’s a legend! Hell, if they casted Armageddon 2, he would be sent to the asteroid to drill his way through the core of it.
OK, you get the picture, the guy is like a saint now. (Click “Read more” for the rest)
However, the bigger questions that seem to be circulating is what does the future hold for the Sabres players, management and coaches if the deal goes down. Well, I’ve decided to formulate a way to survive or get fired if anyone has to meet with Terry Pegula (TP).
1) Darcy Regier
DR: Tim Connolly is still a top 20 center and I’d trade for Raffi Torres again.
TP: You’re fired and hire a new PR person to make your statements
DR: It was all Tom and Larry?! They made me let go of Drury, Briere and everyone else.
TP: Fine. You’re hired, but if Bob Corkum comes through those doors, then you’ll be escorted out those very same doors.
DR: No problem! It was all Tom and Larry. So, what can I do to make the team better?
TP: Well, Darcy..You see, I have money (As the floor in the office opens up to reveal a Monty Burns like treasure chest)
DR: Wait? You mean I won’t have a budget?
TP: Nope, because I’m stinking rich.
DR: I won’t have to ask you if an agent wants $50,000 more for his client?
TP: Do you not no what rich means?
DR: Wait, I can actually make, um, what are those called? The thing with the operator and numbers. It’s in my office with spider webs on it.
TP: You mean the telephone?
DR: Yeah, that thing. I can actually make long distance calls to agents on July 1st?
TP: We’ll call AT&T to make sure the lines are working properly.
DR: And what about that thing, um, e-mel, y-mail, X-men?
TP: You mean using emails?
DR: Yeah, that stuff! And can we get that fax machine finally fixed?
TP: Of course.
DR: What about the trade deadline? I mean, I know I’ve crapped on Marian Hossa getting traded before, but we can use a scorer like him.
TP: Yes, get it done?! What the hell are you waiting for?! Get out there and make some moves?! Lets go, lets go, move it, move it!
DR: I’m on it! Who are the GMs in this league again?
2) Lindy Ruff
LR: I think you need to be an owner out of character. You have to battle and fight. Be passionate.
TP: You’re fired and find some new catch phrases.
LR: Wait! It wasn’t my idea to put the “C” on Craig Rivet. I’m also in The Buffalo HOF or something like that.
TP: Hmmmm
LR: You try winning with Tim Connolly as your number one center and 20 versions of Matt Ellis on this squad.
TP: You’re hired, only because everyone says your like the John Connor of NHL coaches.
LR: Thank you, sir.
TP: Hold on, Ruff. You gotta stop with the mixing of the lines. What happens when you mix liquors? You get sick.
TP: And I’m sick of your line combinations changing.
LR: I understand, but do you see what I have to work with?
TP: I know and we are going to get that crap taken care of.
3) Larry Quinn
LQ: I develop land and..
TP: Just shut up, you’re fired.
LQ: But wait, I helped save hockey…
TP: Get the hell out!!
LQ: But bass pro was my idea.
TP: So why don’t you go sleep with the fishes then…Security?!
LQ: Wait, I’m from Buffalo and I want to win multiple cups?!
TP: Sorry, but you’re a opportunist and I’m done with that.
LQ: Wait, can’t you just give me a mulligan?
TP: Sorry, I don’t play golf. Security?! Use his head to open the exit door of the HSBC Arena
4) MSG President
MSG: We don’t have a post show on the road because um, we can’t afford it. However, we are going to re-air the hard hitting “Sabres Show”!
TP: The show where you guys profiled Tom Golisano for like 25 minutes about sailing and movies, with the hot host in her mid-40s?
MSG: Yeah, that one. Want to have a profile about your favorite movies and beers?
TP: Um, no and that show was the sh#ts. You’re fired.
MSG: But wait, I have ideas if you give us money!?
TP: I’m listening (as he strokes the Dr. Evil cat)
MSG: Um, we will have a live studio show from Buffalo. That will be interactive, where we will take questions off twitter and FB.
TP: In HD?
MSG: Yes! As long as you put the money into it.
TP: Good! You’re hired. Oh, and no more Cellino and Barnes commercials!?
5) Ryan Miller
RM: Hi, my name is
TP: I know who you are and here is a lifetime contract and a key to the executive bathroom.
RM: Wait. I want…
TP:You want women,
right? (Snaps fingers and the Swedish bikini team comes out and try to caress Miller’s shoulders)
RM: No, no. I got a girlfriend.
TP: What do you want then?
RM: I want guys that can help me win a Stanley Cup.
TP: You desire Lord Stanley’s Cup?..like I do?
RM: Hell, yeah!
TP: Hold on. DARCY!!!!!!!
DR: Yes, boss.
TP: You take Ryan into your office and whoever Ryan wants, Ryan gets.
DR: But what about the market?
TP: You mean Wegmans?
DR: No, the hockey market for contracts and all that accounting I normally do.
TP: You don’t worry about that crap anymore. If Ryan wants Patrick Sharp, you get Patrick Sharp.
RM: Yeah, I’d like to have him here.
TP: Right. If Ryan wants Crosby, you bring him here. If Ryan wants to star in Caddy Shack III, call the producers.
TP: If Ryan wants his boy, Patrick Lalime, to fly the Goodyear blimp, you call them!
DR: Huh?
TP: Just get whatever Ryan wants.
6) Thomas Vanek
TV: I hate my life. Do you hate yours as well?
TP: Huh? What the hell is wrong with you? You’re good, aren’t you?
TV: I don’t know, I’m so angry and I just can’t do anything right!! (Squirming and hitting himself)
TP: Whoa, whoa! Relax, dude. We know you can play, you’ve been one of my favorite players.
TV: I have?
TP: Hell, yeah! You came into the league like a bat out of hell. I know Lindy can be tough.
TV: You’re damn right, he’s a douche.
TP: But you can get past it. Just play your game and have fun.
TV:Thanks! Can we be friends and go out to lunch? (Looking like Jim Carrey asking Matthew Broderick to go out in the Cable Guy)
TP: Um, sure. I just have all these appointments…um, gotta go.
7) Tim Connolly
TC: Hey there, I’m
TP: NEXT!
TC: Wait, didn’t you see my heroic performance against Philly in 2006? I scored like 36 points in that series.
TP: Um, no you didn’t and that was like 10 centuries ago. Security! Get him out.
TC: Wait, where’s Darcy? He liked me and signed me to some nice contract extensions.
TP: Darcy is trying to figure out that you have to dial 1 and the area code to call an NHL GM.
TC: But, but.
TP: What don’t you understand? You’re fired! Don’t let the door injure you on the way out. SECURITY! Take him away.
TC: No, no. Wait! Give me…ahhhhhhhhh! (Connolly falls over the chair and injures himself)
TP: Well, him being on the floor will make it easier to throw him out. You’re fired!
8) Tyler Myers
TM: I really miss Hank.
TP:Yeah, me too. (Both parties begin to give puppy dog looks)
TM: Can we get him back?
TP: If it makes our team better, sure. However, is he really going to solve your sophomore slump?
TM: You know what? You’re right. I can fix my own sophomore slump!? I’m Tyler fricken Myers, damn it!
TP: Fight the power!
TM: I carried Hank’s ass last year!? I dominated as a rookie last year and won the Calder trophy!
TP: Hell, yeah!!
TM: And f$ck Mark Wahlberg for calling me Tie Domi at the awards show. I can kick his ass!
TP: Then go out there and do something about it!!
TM: Hell yeah!! (Begins to run for the door)
TP: Wait, I have an idea.
TM: What is it?
TP: You’re right, you do need a new defensive partner. (Pegula pushes a button on his desk and a curtain opens)
TM: OMG! It’s Chris Pronger! How?!
TP: You see Tyler, I make things happen. I’m providing the tools to win.
9) Sabres scouts
TP: Wait, that’s it??
SS: (Says nothing)
TP: Um, hello?
SS: (Sits there)
TP:How does this work? (Pegula pushes the Sabres Scouts buttons)
SS: Operator voice: “You must insert a video tape if you want to film.”
TP: A fricken video camera and a DVD player are our scouts?!
TP: Well, they did scout us Tyler Myers and Tyler Ennis.
SS: Yes, we did.
TP: What?? they can talk? Don’t these people remember what happened when the machines took over in Terminator?
TP: I tell you what, lets do the video scouting and hire some more scouts. Make it a co
llective effort.
10) Drew Stafford
DS: Dude, what is up, bro?
TP: Um, hi…and why do you have a guitar with you?
DS: Dude, I just live through the music man. It relaxes me to play my guitar, dude!
TP: Um?
DS: Do you want me to play you a song? “I love ROCK N ROLL, PUT ANOTHER DIME IN THE”
TP: How about you don’t bother putting another dime in the car meter outside, because you are fired and you should leave now.
DS: Dude!!! I was going to sing you another song.
TP: The only song you’re going to be singing is The Blues if you don’t get your ass out of here!
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