I Leave For A Week And This Is What Happens?

Sometimes you go to Italy for a friend’s wedding and miss the first week of the baseball season.

And when you come back, your parents have thoughtfully mailed you the Post-Dispatch’s full Cardinals season preview. A real hard-copy!

Here is it – freshly opened this morning:

Looks like it cost them $1.82 for the postage and another $2.50 for the Sunday paper. A total of $4.32 all in. A totally sweet gesture, right?

Parents are the best.

I threw it right in the garbage.

Actually that’s not true. The recycle bin. I threw it right in the recycle bin. Because after reviewing what went down with games 1-6, I feel pretty confident that everything contained between those beautiful color photos and Derrick Goold prose feels more dated than a Gnarls Barkley and Avril Lavigne collabo during American Idol while you’re ironing an Affliction tee for the club.

The Cardinals:

• Are having trouble winning at home
• Can’t beat the Cubs
• Set dubious lineups
• Play less than average defense
• Do not produce from the 4 hole
• Are probably bending the rules

I thought we all agreed to let 2016 go home and take a nap. Guess not?

And, yeah, sorry. If you want to think that balls just stick like that to chest protectors, feel free.

Some of you right now are saying – HOOKSEY BABY, six games my man, long season – to which I will refer you to this table that Google made and I drew a red line on right after the last NL team to make the playoffs:

These. Games. Count.

These. Decisions. Count.

I’m not shoveling dirt on anyone or anything at the moment. Because you’re right… it is a long season.

But if you’re in that camp, just know that it never got better in 2016. The problems that the Cardinals had in April continued in September and before you knew it,  the team was watching the playoffs from home.

I only hope that the Cardinals are looking at this stumble out of the starting blocks as something that needs to worked on ASAP and not given time to metastasize into another lost season.

There’s too much talent on this team to continue to be so achingly average.

Photo: The Hostel Girl