I Never Would Have Said Those Things Without That Stroke

Hey everyone, great to have you back here, back watching ESPN SportsCenter, the greatest coverage of sporting events in the entire world. I’m glad that all of you football fans out there offered to turn this great TV station back on, especially after yesterday when we were blindsided with all of that Brett Favre news and spent most of the day talking about it. I know people don’t always want to hear that, and so I apologize for the long time we spent talking about it.

I also want to apologize for having my unexpected anger towards Brett Favre, his teammates, and the Minnesota Vikings in general. I don’t have really any good explanation for that besides that I am now only have half of a functioning brain after my stroke a while ago that made me derp.

I know it’s tough to explain. You probably have many questions, like “Hey Tedy, my main guy, my dude, my favorite football player ever how are you able to speak so clearly and awesome good points when you don’t have a full brain working?” And I say, that’s a good question, muchacho, but as you can see from Tuesday’s tirade, sometimes I don’t make good football analysis and say things that hurt by football brothers.

You see, it’s because my brain only works on one half. But I am strong willed, fans, super strong grilled, so strong that I came back from a master stroke and played football for a little while longer. Sure, I was ineffective and old and just talked about my lack of brain activity, but when I was playing I was strong enough in my brain to no sit here and question the actions of great, veteran football players like Steve Hutchinson, Jaen, and even Ryan Longwell, who apparently went down to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, to entice Brett Favre to return. I mention I took issue with these players possibly begging Favre to return, WHICH IS WRONG, and said that if Tom Brady would have acted similarly during our Super Bowl runs that I simply would have wished Tom a happy life and never have flown to beg him to return. End of story, it’s over, Snow White.

Of course, that isn’t true at all. Not a word. I would have done anything for my former brain injury and retarded brother. Oh, sure, Tom’s retarded. Can’t you tell with his cross eyes? Honestly, I would have done anything in order to have him return to our team during those years, just like these Vikings player did for Favre. And I mean anything, including flying to meet him, begging him to consider returning, and even wearing the softest of lipsticks when I kissed his abdomen slightly below that protruding belly button of his.

I apologize for saying those things because they just aren’t me. Before I had my brain stroke I never would have jumped onto a player like that, not even to dry hump him with my eyes bugging out. I would have said “I need to wait until more information is apparent before I make my most excellent educated opinion” sports fans, but I didn’t do that yesterday and I apologize because I am now so, so, so, so, so, so, so slow minded. Retarded, in fact.

I am just so stupid these days that I speak things I regret, like how I say the Saints showed the rest of the NFL how beat the Vikings. It was a silly thing to say! Silly! I wasn’t myself. What the Saints did in reality was show the rest of the NFL that if Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson fumble a snap two a game, and if every player on the team is make a turnover, and if you hold Brett Favre below 325 air yards and Adrian Peterson below 125 run yards, that you’ll be able to squint out a win in overtime with the help of phantom calls and three points. From a kicker, who’s probably gay that I’d like to mouth kiss. It’s silly!

Again, I regret my weird, strange behavior and words and wish to share how excited I am that you fans have decided to tune back in to this great channel on ESPN. Going forward, I know now that no matter the obligation, no matter the circumstances, I will no longer use my brain head as an excuse as to why stupid things come out of my mouth. Sarah Palin doesn’t use that excuse about retarded and her vagina, so I can’t either. Although she should.

So really, guys, truly, sincerely, regret my errors, and I am looking forward to this awesome football season and my heart and prayers go out to the guys with concussions. But you’re also pussies. Get a real head injury.