I Vigorously Shake My Finger at the Draft!

In recent years, the NFL draft has turned from an off season necessity to an overblown, overhyped circus show that parades young men in front of scouts, fans, and analysts for several months before they’re selected to be a member of an organization. Kind of creepy. With this weekend’s upcoming draft, we thought we’d ask former Vikings coach Bud Grant what he thought of the spectacle. And no one hates that draft more than old people! …

“Well now, I just don’t really like how that NFL Draft is handled these days. There is such a hullabaloo about it all, that it takes away from the idea of team sports. All these fine young men get paraded around like a bunch of ninnies, being asked silly questions as if that will determine how well they will play on the field! Poppycock! Just look at how they played as a whipper snapper! Running around and making plays … I tell you what, back when we would draft players, we didn’t have all of that fancy jitterbug technology to watch videos in that super definition with instant replay or computers to pull up all the information we needed. No! We had to cut film from hand made tapes and stick them together to watch on an old projection screen. It was grainy, stuttered, and spelled like urine, but dang nabit, we made some pretty ok draft selections back then, didn’t we?

“The other thing I don’t like is all this speed that everyone keeps talking about. Speed, speed, we need more speed on our team! Everyone wants to do things faster these days. Just slow down already! It’s outrageous. What people really need are smarts and experience! That will win every time over some young feller that just runs around without direction. No, you have to know where you’re running to and why. Look at some of the teams I coached. Our best teams weren’t filled with young lads that would run a five second forty yard dash or anything. No! We had men of all ages and two races that could look at a play, react to it and do a little knock ’em up. There wasn’t all this flash and bang and powdered faces that there is today. Everyone wants to run fast so they don’t get nicked up. Bupkis. Where was I? Oh yes, the draft.

“The worst thing about the draft now-a-days is the outrageous amounts of money that these saplings are receiving for never having played a down in a real NFL football game. Blooey! Millions of dollars for potential? That’d be like tipping your waitress 10% before you even receive service! Unheard of! They have to earn that $1.50! And the total amount of money that these young kids have is unacceptable. I was paid in prune juice and a lifetime supply of Velcro shoes! Who needs millions when you have that type of security? These kids will learn; money can’t buy you everything. Sometimes you just need a luke warm cup of decaf, the daily weather report, and supper before 4:30 PM. That is happiness that money can’t buy. These kids will learn, some day.

“Now, it’s almost noon, so I better catch my nap.”