As we prepare to simultaneously begin the NFL preseason and the sideshow that will be the first 2016 Presidential Debate, I thought it would be fun to imagine who would pair up as best friends (also because I can’t bear to write another speculation about the Seattle Mariners and reflecting on Ronda Rousey’s match would be about as short as the time it took for her to knock out Bethe Correia).
Dan Snyder and Donald Trump
These two. Oh yes, these two probably are already friends. They care not about racist epithets and who they offend, only LOSERS cave to public opinion and basic human decency. Both are comical delights when you want to see the silver lining in the fact that these men have enormous amounts of money and power.
Chip Kelly and Scott Walker
Both fairly new to the big-leagues but making headlines, Kelly’s been cutting players like Walker’s cut labor unions apart and both seem to be notorious for surrounding themselves with familiarity (Kelly with former Ducks and Walker with fellow union busters) only to be criticized by their own for questionable decision making and accusations of sacrificing the well being of the team/state for his own agenda.
Bruce Arians and Bernie Sanders
Perhaps an odd couple of sorts, Bruce and Bernie could care less what people think about them when it comes to their progressive ideas. Arians is consistently lauded for his attention to his players and the game and now he’s added a female coach to his staff: the first known in NFL history. Bernie, a self-proclaimed man of the people, is unequivocally the most progressive candidate on the 2016 ticket. Regardless of how you feel about politics, these two set themselves apart from the rest of the pack. Pete Carroll could be a third wheel but he’d probably be asked to spit his gum out.
Jason Garrett and Chris Christie
Though one might immediately associate Texas sports with a Bush, Jeb has not only distanced himself from brother George but also never seemed to adopt that weird fake Texas accent. Enter Christie, who made headlines last season hugging Jerry Jones in his suite in Arlington. Garrett graduated from Princeton, so there is a Jersey connection. Regardless, Christie and Garrett most likely already engage in late-night phone calls about Dez Bryant over a nice glass of Chianti. Or, you know, an entire pizza.
Ron Rivera and Marco Rubio
Both have moderate success and deal with difficult positions of power (trying to coach the Panthers and trying to serve the people of a state that everyone constantly jokes about like its another planet). Misery loves company, as the saying goes.
Tom Coughlin and Hillary Clinton
Both have served the state of New York and both are eligible to join AARP. Despite many years in grueling positions, they rest not, but graceful retirement could suit them both well. Both have dealt with bulbous nosed adults. What’s worse: Eli’s pouting or Bill’s shenanigans…who knows. They’re probably already planning on having a laugh about it over a hot cup of tea.
Bill Belichick and Rick Perry
“Indictment, you say? This matters not, you too can win the Super Bowl of American politics.” File that under things that Bill might say to Rick. Despite very public transgressions that they were either directly or indirectly related to, they both pretend as if nothing happened. These men are institutions in their respective places of business, so infallibility comes second nature to them.
Andy Reid and Joe Biden
Though Biden hasn’t officially announced a run, it’s reported that he will do so. These men are you parents’ friends that make an otherwise boring gathering interesting with conversation. Both have lost children under tragic circumstances, and both have amazing wives who’ve not only shown the world you can age gracefully but that don’t solely exist as shadows of their husbands’ success.
Rex Ryan and Lindsey Graham
These are men who, if babysitters saw them sitting at a playground, would call the police. More character than human, these two will persist in their respective careers with moderate support and moderate success. Well, at least Rex has won a Super Bowl ring while assistant coaching with the Ravens. But their ultimate bond will derive from how they get their comically large teeth so white. Perhaps paid-for advertisements are in their future.
This piece contains opinions solely of its author and is not intended to offend anyone based on their personal beliefs. Read: take a joke.
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