If Only Text Messaging Was More Popular in the NHL

Oh Technology, how wonderful you are. Not only have you given us the iPhone and the Showtime Rotisserie, but also the colossal waste of time and money that is text messaging. Honestly, why would you ever call someone directly when you can send them 150 characters at a time? Beats me. You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. Well, fuck logical transitions. Here you go:

Last week, Jeremy Roenick “announced” his retirement by text messaging the Philadelphia Inquirer.

A great American hockey player and a Philly favorite bid adieu to the game, fittingly, on America’s birthday – July 4.

“I’m retiring; is that still news?” Jeremy Roenick told The Inquirer by text message.

This leads me to wonder what other momentous NHL events could be transcribed and immortalized in text messages, had texting been used as the medium to convey the message…

From: Gary Bettman
To: The 1998-99 Buffalo Sabres
“Sorry about the crease rule.”

From: Todd Bertuzzi
To: Steve Moore
“Watch your back, broski.”

From: The Winnipeg Jets
To: The City of Winnipeg
Date: April 28, 1996
“KThanksBye.”

From: Theo Fluery
To: Tyrone Biggums
“Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”

From: The Anaheim Ducks
To: The Ottawa Senators
“Pwnd u fuckin n00bs.”

From: NHL
To: NHL Fans
Date: Sept. 16th, 2004
“Fuck you.”

From: USA
To: USSR
Date: Feb. 22, 1980
“OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!”

From: ESPN
To: NHL Headquarters
“See you in hell.” _uacct = “UA-1868762-1”; urchinTracker();
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