Note: This isn’t actually Jay speaking, but a podium that sits 4 feet tall and about 2 feet wide.
“So, it’s been a week since my last appearance, this go-around with the ol’ senior U.S. Senator from the great state of New York. I needed some time to collect my thoughts. And to type them. I don’t have hands.”
“Now, I’ll be the first one to admit it: I have a pretty good scam goin’ here. Just show up on time, stand up in front of both people and journalists alike, and look good while doing it. Maybe carry a water or two on top of me, and handle 5 or 6 microphones plus a couple of recorders without looking like I was a last-second grab out of the ballroom hosting the investment seminar down at the Adam’s Mark. Having said that, WOW, have I had some doozies said behind my back (literally) the last 10 years.”
“Let’s start with that Gregg Williams character. ‘How about that Kendrick Office?’ Really? I’m just coming down off of the highs of a glorious decade-long run of playoff/Super Bowl teams, with a coach that gave us ‘over-officious jerk’. Then just a couple of short years later THIS is what starts getting spat out from behind me? Gag me with a planer.”
“Then there’s those Sabres…right around the time Mr. Williams was asked to take his talents somewhere far away from Orchard Park, all that bankruptcy crap started going down. That old guy that mumbled something about tools to finish some job just got carted off, and now every creep was coming out of nowhere to play savior. I really didn’t need the indignity of Mark Hamister standing behind me asking for cash handouts to buy acoustical curtains. I also really didn’t need the indignity of one Frank DuRoss showing up one day in front of Marine Midland Arena (I’m old school – this is how I roll) WITH HIS OWN G**D*** PODIUM (CARPETBAGGER!!) announcing his own hilarious bid to buy the team. What did I do to deserve that kick in the built-in speaker, huh?”
“Meanwhile, back at Rich Stadium (old school), I gotta stand there and take it while Mike Mularkey is throwing out gems like ‘I think those type of plays, they take the sail out of your wind a little bit.’ It took a couple of hours for the chairs & tables in the conference room to convince me I hadn’t slipped back on to Quaaludes after I heard that one.”
“Next thing you know, Mikey gets canned, and Mr. Wilson starts making all sorts of noises about how he doesn’t know if the team is going stay here long-term. Revenue this, and small-market that. You think speeches about that crap are tedious?? Try having to stand there as they rehearse them over and over in the name of ‘soundchecks’ hours before people show up. It’s enough to make one want to get thrown through a wood chipper, tossed into the Buffalo River, and start to rot as you can float peacefully along next to the Little Rock with the remains of your pallet cousins.”
“Now, it hasn’t been all bad. Pegula Day was a refreshing change. Though I gotta say Mr. Pegula…Terry…do me a solid and ease up on the water works just slightly. I gave my boys in St. Louis and Kansas City all sorts of junk while they were getting soaked weekly standing beneath Dick Vermeil. I’d prefer that not boomeranging on me, thank you.”
“And it’s always a dadgum treat when Buddy steps up to say something rootin’ tootin’ to y’all.”
“As for the Senator, I got no idea if there’s any substance to what he decided he needed me to be present for him to say last week. I would have thought a nicely worded memo could have gotten the job done. I’d say he’d probably like that whole ‘We’ll have the Raptors play some games here’ moment back, but I really doubt he remembers it. And the security checks are a pain in the microphone jack. It could (and probably will) amount to a whole lot of nothing…just like the Trent Edwards Era. But, if it in any way helps make sure I still have a gig in Orchard Park for years after a new bajillionaire is writing the checks for the Bills, then what’s the harm?”
“P.S.…hey Shane Doan, I have a gift card for 50% off a treatment at a refurbishing spa that I’d like to use before opening day. Hows about making a decision so I can set a date for myself?”
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