The Angels are frantically trying to find someone to take over first base for the injured Kendry Morales. Everyone wants to know how the Halos intend to fill the void, and we here at MonkeyWithAHalo.com were lucky enough to get hold of (and by get hold of, we mean totally made up) the transcript from the internal meetings between Angel management as they audition new first basemen.
Scioscia and Reagins on the casting couch? Avert your eyes!!!
The scene, Angel Stadium’s little used department of central casting. Present are Arte Moreno (executive producer), Tony Reagins (head of casting), Mike Scioscia (director) and a room full of hopeful candidates ready to read for the part.
Reagins: OK, everyone. Let’s get this started. Mike, Arte, I’ve assembled a number of candidates for you to consider. Now, there is a good variety of choices here to pick from, so I am sure we should be able to come to a consensus on who gets to star in this important role. Ready to start? (everyone nods) Alright. Let’s bring in the first audition, Mike Napoli.
Scioscia: Seriously? Are you trying to make me mad? I already can’t deal with his crappy defense behind the plate, there is no way I can handle having him field poorly at two positions now. Pass.
Reagins: (Sighs) I thought you might say that.
Scioscia: If we are going to look at internal options, can’t we just go with Robb Quinlan? He has been the understudy at first base for years. I’ve always liked him and I know he can do it if we just give him the chance?
Reagins: Oh, come on! We let him go after the last season and he couldn’t even find work as an extra with another production. I refuse to put my reputation on the line for him. No way, Mike, not going to happen.
Moreno: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Enough bickering. Clearly we have nobody already on the cast who can fill Kendry’s shoes. Let’s take this search elsewhere, eh? I am sure we can find some quality people if we look hard enough.
Reagins: My thoughts exactly, Arte. If we are going to do this, let’s do it right. Lance! Come in here, please.
Lance Berkman: Howdy, y’all! I am so excited to be here. This is really a dream come true for me. I’ve been in so many bad productions lately that I would just love any opportunity to ply my craft for a success like this one.
Moreno: That is wonderful to hear, Mr. Berkman. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are all tremendous fans of your work. Your power, your patience and your consistent production, these are all things we need here with the Angels. However, I don’t know if we have room on the budget for a star of your caliber.
Berkman: I see what you are saying, sir. But I promise, if you invest in me, I won’t let you down.
Moreno: I’m sorry, Lance. We just can’t afford your contract, not to mention what it would cost in terms of assets to free you from your obligations in Houston. They love you there and won’t let you leave without someone paying a tremendous price. Thank you for your time. (Berkman exits)
Reagins: Too expensive? Hmmm, well, I suppose we can cross Paul Konerko off the list too.
Scioscia: What?!?! No!!!!!! I’ve wanted to book that guy for years! C’mon, Arte, please let me have him. Pretty please with sugar on top?
Moreno: Sorry, Michael, we just can’t do it. Besides, you of all people should know that this cast doesn’t need a big star to headline the action. You have always told me about how you prefer more of an ensemble piece.
Scioscia: (Annoyed) Fine. I guess you’re right. Who else you got, Tony?
Reagins: Well, if we really want to go bargain hunting, we could bring in Ryan Garko.
Scioscia: You mean the guy who got fired by the Indians, Giants, Rangers and Mariners all within the last year. Umm, no thanks. Next!
Reagins: How about Carlos Delgado? He isn’t working right now. I could have him here tomorrow.
Moreno: I don’t know. Isn’t he still in rehab?
Reagins: Right, yeah. I forgot about his “hip” problem. OK, how about Jermaine Dye? I know it is a bit of a stretch, but he is free too.
Scioscia: No way. He is good and all, but this isn’t the right role for him. Just because he played a first baseman one day his entire career doesn’t mean he is ready to do it everyday.
Reagins: Fair enough. In that case, I think I have someone you will like. Cheryl, please send Mike Lowell in.
Scioscia: (Leaps out of his seat in a furor) Get that Boston bean-eating asshole out of here! Take off that Red Sox hat you son of a bitch!!!
Moreno: Settle down, Mike. Tony knows what he is doing. Give Mr. Lowell a chance.
Mike Lowell: Thank you, Mr. Moreno. Obviously you all know me from my work in Boston the last few years. I’ve got a long track record of being a productive all-around player. While I haven’t starred in many productions, I have frequently been honored for my supporting roles. My positional flexibility is something that I think gives me a real edge over-
Scioscia: Stop for a minute, sorry. Does anyone else hear that?
Reagins: Hear what?
Lowell: (Nervously) Yeah, hear what? I don’t hear anything. Maybe it was just the floorboards or maybe a car backfiring outside. Or a dog. Yeah, that’s the ticket, it was the dog.
Scioscia: Nobody else hears that creaking sound?
Moreno: Yes, I hear it too. Where is it coming from?
Scioscia: I- I think it coming from Mike Lowell’s hip.
Lowell: What? No. You guys are crazy. My hip is fine.
Scioscia: Then move side to side real quick and prove it.
Lowell: Ummmm, hey look over there! (points out the window and runs out of the office, limping, when everyone turns their heads to look)
Reagins: Man, this isn’t easy. I’m out of guys that will work for scale, so you are going to have to be willing to pay at least a little bit, Arte.
Moreno: Fine, I understand that. But it better be a good investment. These rentals, they make me so angry. We give up all these useful pieces and money for a man who walks away a few months later
Reagins: Very well then. I’ve been saving this one and I think you are really going to like it. He’s powerful and patient and good with the leather. He’s under contract through 2011 if we so choose and the company he is working for is way over budget, so they should be willing to take a discount on him to clear his salary. Heck, the guys even a local product. Cheryl! Send in Adam.
Adam LaRoche: Hi everyone. It is so awesome to be here. I can’t tell you- Oooh! Look, there’s a birdie outside the window.
Scioscia: (confused) Umm, yeah, there is. Anyway, Adam, why don’t you tell us a little about yourself.
LaRoche: Oh, uh, sure, yeah, I can do that. Ummmmmm… my name is Adam. I play first base really good. I can hit the ball real far. I like peanut butter sandwiches too. Do you guys like ’em? Sometimes the peanut butter gets on my hands and I make a mess. You know what else is messy? Mud. I don’t like mud. Did you know there is a baseball team called the Toledo Mudhens? I wonder if they actually have hens for players.
Moreno: Tony? Is he OK?
Reagins: Oh, right. I forgot to mention. He has Attention Deficit Disorder. But trust me, it doesn’t affect his work. He forgets how many outs there are sometimes, but you learn to live with it.
Moreno: I guess we could make that work. I mean, he just needs to follow directions. How hard can it be? What do you think, Mike?
LaRoche: Has anyone seen my juice box? It has an A on it in marker. A is for Adam.
Scioscia: Are you sure we can’t just use Robb Quinlan?
Reagins: (shaking head) Ugh.
THE END
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