Brand new Chicago quarterback Jay Cutler was excited for his Bears debut last Sunday night in front of a national audience. He was relieved to finally just get back to playing football after his trying offseason.
“It’s been a long and difficult off season, with Denver acting like faggots and Urlacher not being my main man here” said Cutler as he quaffed his hair just so in front of a mirror. “But when those lights came on in Lambeau Field Sunday night, all of those troubles with the Broncos, diabetes and ugly faced people that don’t know me just kind of washed away. And then I threw four interceptions.”
Washed away they may have, but as Cutler soon found out, throwing passes against the Packers defensive backfield is a bit different than facing Oakland and Arizona’s pass defense twice a year. When the dust settled in Green Bay Cutler was coughing himself into a diabetic shock simply as a way to get him off the field and into the locker room to as forget about his horrid four interception night as quickly as possible.
And did he apologize to his teammates and, as a new leader on a team that invested so very much into him, put the blame upon himself? If you think that, you don’t know Jay Cutler.
“Did I take the blame upon myself? Fuck no” he said, as he glowered at his up and coming tight end Greg Olsen, who also had a disappointing first outing to the 2009 season with only one catch for eight yards. “What do I have to apologize for? I’ve worked my ass off all off season to get here, to help this blow hard city win, and then these shit head receivers go out there and don’t catch four of my balls that I throw right to them? Seriously, right to them. I throw the prettiest pass in the NFL. How these brain dead tribbles didn’t find the ball lodged into their chest cavity on their way to multiple touchdowns … I don’t know, I don’t fucking get it. I never had four interceptions on any other team, so you know this shit wasn’t my fault.”
Cutler has yet to change his tune after the disastrous battle with the Packers has faded into the distance. He initially looked uninterested and many thought immature in his post game news conference Sunday night, drawing the ire of former coaches and analysts around the league.
“He looked like a total pussy, just like Urlacher said” chimed in former coach Jim Mora. “Completely irresponsible, totally ridiculous. Man up and take it, Jay! You just had the worst game of your life and you act like you just didn’t pull the right letter in Subway Scrabble! Show some emotion! Act like you just found out you have AIDS! It was embarrassing that he took no responsibility for that game and just blew it off like it was no big deal. I feel horrible that a great football town like Chicago has to put up with this pouty faced gash for years to come.”
“Whatever” Cutler responded between bouncing a ball off the wall and alternating scowls on his face that made him look constipated. “If I show too much emotion I get yelled at. If I act like I’m over it, like this game is behind me and that it was a one time thing, then people get upset. People don’t know me. They can’t tell me how to feel, how to frown, or how to not cut myself. They’re not my mom. That old man Mora can go fuck himself. What has he ever done? Coached football like 30 years ago? Get over it old man, it’s Cutler time now.”
When teammate Devin Hester was told of Cutler’s comments about his own amazing accuracy, Hester took the political route. “Yeah, I forgot. When a fly pattern is called in this Bears offense that I’ve been in for years and he’s new to, I should know that Jay actually wants to throw a five yard out route. Brilliant. My fault on that one, I fucked up. Jay knows his shit man, gotta listen to him. Now excuse me, I need to go drink myself into a coma.”
Despite the criticism, Cutler still feels confident going in to next weeks game against the defending champion Steelers at home, who have had over a week to plan for Cutler’s wild throws.
“I’m not worried about them” Cutler finished as he scribbled a crying black heart on a napkin in the team’s cafeteria. He was eating tears for lunch. “Big whoop, you won a Super Bowl, like that’s anything special. I’m just going to keep playing my game and my receivers better start catching the damn ball. I’m not thinking about the Packer’s game when I face the Steelers on Sunday. I’m just thinking about how much my Dad always scolded me and how much I hate my parents.
“They say Purple Jesus runs angry. Well, I don’t know what he’s always so angry about – it’s not like he’s been crucified during his career like I have – but this criticism just fuels me to play better. You’ll see. I’m totally going to light those asshole Steelers up on Sunday. I’ll use my anger to make me better. I’ll throw a touchdown and say ‘YEAH, FUCK YOU MOM!’ and shit like that. You’ll see.
“Whatever, we’re done here. I’m going to go watch Ghost Hunters.”
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