Happy Hitler Birthday! Or … wait, April 20th … That’s “another day” that “certain people” “celebrate” for “innocent” reasons, reasons being that they generally like to smoke a bunch of weed and get higher than Sidney Rice going for a jump ball in the back of the endzone. Or … You know, before his hip went all geriatric on us. Anyway, we wanted to celebrate this day with in our own way by inviting an old friend back to give us some insight on the upcoming Minnesota Vikings draft. Now, welcome former Minnesota Vikings quarterback, John David Booty …
“Hey everyone, how are you doing, I hope well, because being well means that you probably woke up and did a nice little wake and bake and rake sessions and by rake I mean rub one out in the shower while smoking a fatty jay that is protected from getting wet in one of those large Hefty bags because there is nothing worse than a wet joint, and if you have it in a big plastic bag like that, you get the added bonus of just being able to fishbowl yourself because you just have to put your face up to the bag and be careful to not pass out and hit your head on the railing because that has happened to lesser men before, and man, it is not cool, but AFTER you rake, it’s totally cool to be contacted by Purple Jesus Diaries and have them ask you ‘What do you think the Minnesota Vikings should do for the draft?’ and, being polite and everything because on this special day everyone should treat everyone else like how they want to be treated when they are in a group of smoking friends and do not have any greenery that they can offer to the group themselves so they are hoping that people take pity on them and share some of those fine nugs with you so you can have fun as well and you remember their kindness and want to repay them at a later date, which is called the ‘Green Rule’ in my household, because it’s like the Golden Rule but green like marijuana, and so of course I followed that rule and told Purple Jesus Diaries, ‘Of course I’ll give you my thoughts on the Vikings even though I never played a meaningful snap for them and totally forgot that I lived in Minnesota for a while, but naturally you value my opinion on such a mind expanding day as this, so here is what I think about the Minnesota Vikings:”
“I will tell you this after carefully analyzing the Vikings roster, considering injuries, coaching, stadium issues, the Lynx championship, factoring in wind speed, the tilt of the Earth’s axis due to Kelly Brook’s rack, and the secret call of Cthulhu, that the Vikings should most definitely consider drafting a potato with their first round pick, and if that doesn’t work, they need to look at swapping that number three pick for an equivalent three pounds of weed, which – I know sounds crazy, but you have to hear me out on this – is actually more valuable to the team than whatever football player they could get at that pick anyway, because what is going to make one of the only good players (EG; Percy Harvin, guys, hello, he’s really good, FYI, ICYDK, I just made that last acronym up, hahaha) – three pounds of sticky green to ‘cure his migranes’ or a left tackle that is going to be boring as shit and talk about blocking, and technique, and GIRLS instead of epic high times, run ins with the law, and BROS, and if you’re having trouble answering that I’m pretty sure that’s because you were hanging out with Percy, Randy Moss, and me this morning as we all prank called Christian Ponder this morning who has never even heard of weed before, or shirts, or even frowns, he’s just such an amazing guy, but seriously, a left tackle isn’t going to help anyway so forget it, the team should just spend their money in a more productive way and hire me to handle all of their business dealings, which is pretty much what I do professionally now at my friend’s uncle’s insurance agency outside of La Jolla during the off season and between me studying for a business degree, hahahaha.
“I am so smart. Go team!”
*Surprise! JDB did not actually write this. Satire!
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