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JR tiiiime and the living is eeeeaaaaasssyyy…’Sup losers? It’s your old pal Jeremy Roenick back again. What, you thought that just because the season’s over that I would take time off? Suckers! Being JR means NEVER taking a day off.
It’s been a month since the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. Patrick Kane is still drunk off his ass, but I guess that’s not really news.
Can you believe it’s July already? Man, this summer’s moving faster than sweat dripping off Mike Milbury’s manboobs. HURK…I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I am sorry I got you all thinking about Milbury’s pale, jiggly manboobs.
As an American—and one of the highest-scoring Americans in the NHL, might I add—I love the Fourth of July. I think we should celebrate more holidays with drinking, grilling, and fireworks. It’s too bad my birthday’s in January, because that month is only good for the drinking. I mean, sure, you could grill and shoot fireworks in January, especially since it gets dark at like 5 at night. But it’s just more fun in July.
Bob Probert died recently. There isn’t a joke in that; I just wanted to wish BoPro’s family all the best and to offer them my thoughts and prayers.
I wonder what happens if you use a vuvuzela with the other end.
I guess free agency was pretty exciting for some people. Ilya Kovalchuk is still a name I keep hearing, and I still wonder why. I thought he ran to Russia like three years ago. Then again, this was a guy who played for Atlanta and was excited to play in New Jersey, so maybe he’s not in his right mind anyway.
Do you ever have dreams where you wake up and you can’t remember if it was actually a dream or not? Those suck. I had a dream not too long ago where I was at the grocery store and this old lady was taking her sweet, sweet time trying to decide what kind of olives to buy. For some reason, this made me mad enough to scream “FLIP A DAMN COIN ALREADY, WRINKLE TITS!” When I woke up, I was thinking how it totally could have happened. I don’t know whether or not I should apologize or what. But then again, it was some old lady I didn’t even know. What am I going to do, go around apologizing to every old lady for calling her Wrinkle Tits, even if it never actually happened? Screw that.
Well, that about wraps up some ruminations from your old buddy JR for this time, kiddos. Make sure you say hi to your mother for me. I hear she’s a real classy lady.
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