JR Time: Marriage Advice

Hey, nerds. It’s your old buddy JR. Listen, Ryan’s gettin’ hitched, so he’s stepping away from the interwebs for a bit.  I figured that he could use some pointers on marriage, because why not?  I suppose they might work for the rest of youse, too, but that might require you to get out and see sunlight so you can talk to girls. 
*Unlike in hockey, work, your friendships, the Olympic team, roulette, and poker, sometimes it’s better to just assume that you’re already wrong.  Apologize for being a jerk, because that’ll  shut her up for like five minutes bridge an emotional gap or whatever. Then, never talk about it again. 
*A lot of people will tell you to never go to bed angry.  There’s a few ways to think about this. Personally, I’ve always been a fan of staying up and fighting, but for some people  this just means a war of attrition. If you’re marrying this person, you should already know what happens. If all else fails, remember the first point and make sure you have a comfy couch.  
*Have other stuff that you’re into that’s not just the marriage.  This lets you blow off some steam and gain confidence in your abilities. For instance, I golf, and I’m pretty good at it.  I used to call SWAT teams to harass Mike Milbury (because screw that guy), but there are fewer and fewer payphones these days.  
*Figure out what you guys can and can’t be bothered about.  Some people get their nads in a wad over wet socks, but some people are okay with that. Some people like pineapple on pizza, and others are sane and reasonable individuals.  You guys are going to get mad at each other, but do you really want to be that guy who gets into a screaming match over how to load the dishwasher? C’mon man. Have some damn dignity. 
*Concussions suck.  That’s not really a marriage thing, but it’s good to remember, regardless. Or irregardless.  English is weird like that. 
*Don’t fight in front of other people.  Have you ever been out with a couple, and you just know they’re pissed at each other?  Remember how damn awkward that is? Don’t put your friends through that. 
*Sometimes, you gotta do something you’re not crazy about that they love for the sake of keeping the peace. Remember to give stuff a go before you totally dismiss it.  You might even find stuff about it you enjoy.  Maybe one of you is really into crafting, and the other isn’t.  Remember that Michael’s has candy and probably stuff you can make explosive or flammable.  Maybe one of you is more into surfing, and the other’s really crap at it.  There’s always hucking seaweed and medical waste at each other for fun.  If you try it and it’s still not turning your crank, that’s fine. At least you tried. 
*Patrick Roy can suck it. 
*You Gotta cuddle, dude.  It doesn’t matter how tired or thirsty you are, you gotta cuddle. It keeps the juices flowing. Metaphorically and literally. 
*Sometimes, it’s easy to build up resentment.  A good way to deal with this is figure out what both of you hate and direct that energy towards that mutual hatred. Good targets for mutual hatred include: Montreal, Ottawa, candy corn, those dried up bits of soap that clog up the dispenser, or your neighbor’s annoying-ass dog.  Sometimes mutual hatred can be a stronger bond than the common stuff you like. 
*Kiss my ass, everyone. 

JR