7:15pm – Five security guards are taken to hospital after a swarm of screaming, crying, fainting teenage girls wearing Jonas Brothers t-shirts try to rush the stage after Ricky Rubio gets picked. Afterwards, Rubio causes an international incident in his press conference by claiming to be “bigger than Jesus”.
7:30pm – After being selected by Washington, Stephon Curry claims that he thinks he can play the point guard spot in the NBA. This same refrain is uttered by Tyreke Evans, Jrue Holiday and Jeff Teague. Several noses immediately start to grow.
8:15pm – While flying above the Atlantic on his way to join his new Macedonian team, Vardar 2000 Osiguruvanjes Skopje (that’s a real team name – look it up), LeBron hears about Stern shaving off his beard. He desperately tries to get out of his contract but it is too late – his new team has already dispatched its donkey to the airport to pick him up.
8:30pm – Despite Tyler Hansbrough still being undrafted, a 7-foot Ukranian teenager who only took up the sport last week is selected. Dick Vitale’s head explodes.
8:45pm – God has a hard time concentrating while playing in his Thursday night bowling league due to the incessant interruptions of every drafted player thanking him.
9:00pm – To the joy of Vitale’s headless body, Hansbrough is finally selected. Psycho T dives onto the stage and subsequently begins to bleed profusely.
9:30pm – Backstage, Brandon Jennings struggles reading the teleprompter while taping NBA public service announcement because he lacks the quality seven month college education his draft peers enjoyed.
10:00pm – The second round begins – five Gjorje’s, three Milanko’s, two Jorge’s and a Teflek are selected. All are described as “Nowitzki-esque” by Fran Fraschilla.
10:55pm – Desperate to come home with more than just a lousy t-shirt, the Clippers swing a trade for a late second round pick. They promptly select Austin Daye, currently being broken down by DeJuan Blair’s stomach enzymes.
11:00pm– The draft ends. Chad Ford goes 0-60 in his mock draft.