Let Us Guide You

Can’t wait until Thursday’s NBA draft kicks off? No worries – Dr. Snuggles invented a time machine for me and I’ve already checked out all that went down in this year’s draft. Here’s the highlights:
7:01pm – David Stern’s decision to grow a beard as a favour to Mrs. Stern immediately backfires as all in attendance and the millions watching at home panic, still associating a bearded Stern with the 98/99 NBA lockout. Fearing the League was going bankrupt, Kobe, LeBron, Chris Paul and Dwight Howard invoke the Stern Beard clause in their contact, opt out and sign with teams in the Macedonian Superleague.
7:05pm – With bloody pieces of toilet paper still on his hastily shaven face, Stern announces the first pick of the draft. The Clippers traded their pick to Portland for a t-shirt. L.A. GM Mike Dunleavy is seen wearing a “I Traded Away The #1 Pick And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” shirt the rest of the evening.

7:15pm – Five security guards are taken to hospital after a swarm of screaming, crying, fainting teenage girls wearing Jonas Brothers t-shirts try to rush the stage after Ricky Rubio gets picked. Afterwards, Rubio causes an international incident in his press conference by claiming to be “bigger than Jesus”.

7:30pm – After being selected by Washington, Stephon Curry claims that he thinks he can play the point guard spot in the NBA. This same refrain is uttered by Tyreke Evans, Jrue Holiday and Jeff Teague. Several noses immediately start to grow.

7:35pm – The Knicks select a player with Michael Jordan’s scoring ability, Bill Russell’s defensive skills and Magic Johnson’s passing game. The New York fans boo.

7:40pm – As Brandon Jennings is congratulated by Stern after being selected, Dick Vitale rushes the stage. Screaming “NCAA Antichrist” he attempts to forcibly make Jennings repent with his hand on a NCAA media guide.

7:50pm – Still waiting in the green room to hear his name called, a hungry DeJuan Blair eats Austin Daye. Afterwards he complains that he’s still hungry.

8:00pm – Stephen A. Smith says “HOWEVA” for the 758th time in an hour, breaking the world record of 757 held by Stephen A. Smith.

8:15pm – While flying above the Atlantic on his way to join his new Macedonian team, Vardar 2000 Osiguruvanjes Skopje (that’s a real team name – look it up), LeBron hears about Stern shaving off his beard. He desperately tries to get out of his contract but it is too late – his new team has already dispatched its donkey to the airport to pick him up.

8:30pm – Despite Tyler Hansbrough still being undrafted, a 7-foot Ukranian teenager who only took up the sport last week is selected. Dick Vitale’s head explodes.

8:45pm – God has a hard time concentrating while playing in his Thursday night bowling league due to the incessant interruptions of every drafted player thanking him.

9:00pm – To the joy of Vitale’s headless body, Hansbrough is finally selected. Psycho T dives onto the stage and subsequently begins to bleed profusely.

9:30pm – Backstage, Brandon Jennings struggles reading the teleprompter while taping NBA public service announcement because he lacks the quality seven month college education his draft peers enjoyed.

10:00pm – The second round begins – five Gjorje’s, three Milanko’s, two Jorge’s and a Teflek are selected. All are described as “Nowitzki-esque” by Fran Fraschilla.

10:55pm – Desperate to come home with more than just a lousy t-shirt, the Clippers swing a trade for a late second round pick. They promptly select Austin Daye, currently being broken down by DeJuan Blair’s stomach enzymes.

11:00pm – The draft ends. Chad Ford goes 0-60 in his mock draft.