I’d like to extend a nice “thanks for playing, please come again” to Town of Hempstead Supervisor Kate Murray.You know, the kind you get from a blackjack dealer when you make a solid play in deciding to bet your last $20 by doubling down on your pair of eights and the plan backfires miserably when you get a three and an eight and the dealer flips over 18. Well, maybe you don’t if you’re not a gambler but I think to some extent we’ve all got a little Kenny Rogers in us.
Today, Ms. Murray did an amazing thing. For the first time ever, she publicly acknowledged that the Islanders’ Lighthouse Project does, in fact, exist! In response to this morning’s press release from Ms. Murray— which would be much more palatable if it were actually a well-timed April Fool’s Joke –I’ve got a little press release of my own. It’s more the kind where I add my own comments onto hers, but what good artist hasn’t been influenced by someone else’s work?
(My artistry in bold)
—
PETITION DRIVE IS “STIMULUS” TO “SCORE” FEDERAL FUNDS TO RENOVATE NASSAU COLISEUM AND SAVE HOMETOWN ISLANDERS
Man, this does not start well. Bullshit quotation marks — a pet peeve of mine –and a politician trying to “score federal funding?” That’s a double whammy of dumb. “Scoring” is something an 18-year old guy does with a hot girl. “Scoring” is what occurs when a pothead gets a good deal on weed. The verb score is not applicable to a politician trying to obtain federal funding. Oh and by the way, this post is going to be lengthy, so click on that newfangled ‘read more’ text to continue following along.
Supervisor Kate Murray is rallying all Long Islanders to support her efforts to convince county officials to pursue federal stimulus funds to renovate the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Uniondale. Full disclosure: This memo was sent to residents of the Town of Hempstead and not all Long Islanders. Now that would have been a way to give Long Island post offices a stimulus.“Built to memorialize those heroic veterans who made the ultimate sacrifice and home to a treasured hockey franchise that has inspired regional pride and fostered a strong Long Island identity, the Coliseum is a “shovel-ready” project clearly eligible for stimulus funding,” commented Murray. ‘Cause if the person who has ignored the project from the get go says this, it’s got to be true!
The focal piece of a massive development project proposed by the Lighthouse Development Group, the Coliseum’s future has been tied to the adoption of the entire multi-billion dollar proposal. So she did read the proposal, apparently.With a unique opportunity to provide Long Island with an economic shot in the arm and create desperately needed construction jobs, Murray is urging the county to score the Coliseum’s biggest victory since the Islanders 1984 Stanley Cup Championship. Three things: 1) You already used the “score” pun. It’s sports. We get it. 2) Then why the fuck are you opposed to the project? 3) The 1984 Stanley Cup belongs to the Edmonton Oilers. They only had the Greatest Hockey Player to Ever Live on that team. It wasn’t anything special. Really just a boring little cinderella team from Western Canada that nobody remembers.
Wayne Gretzky hangs his head in shame for you.
“It’s about hockey, but it’s not a game,” stated Supervisor Murray. HAHAHAHA! NICE PUN! HIGH FIVE! “Long Islanders should not be held hostage and our beloved hockey team should not be used as a pawn in a high stakes game of profit-driven development. I call upon county officials to team up with the Lighthouse Group to give Islander fans the hope for a bright future in a magnificent arena.”
Funny story. You see, the county has already approved the project. They’ve already teamed up with the Lighthouse Group. That’s why the project is now on your desk and the ball is in your court. HAHAHA GET IT?!? SPORTS PUN!!
Lighthouse Development Group founder and principal Charles Wang has raised the specter of relocating the Islanders franchise if his massive Lighthouse Project is not given a green light. Because he’s losing at least $20 million a year so, really, who can blame him? And that was before the economy screwed the pooch.The project includes two 35-40 story office buildings, 17 apartment buildings, 2,306 apartment units, one million square feet of office space, 500,000 square feet of retail space and 612 new hotel rooms. The Lighthouse Group is presently seeking a “shortcut” through state-mandated environmental reviews covering the largest commercial development in Long Island history.
Have you been to the Coliseum recently? There’s more concrete on that property than in the entire Empire State Building.The Coliseum is a shithole. Not only that, but the area around it is a shithole. The roads need repair and the closest shops to it are a Papa John’s, a run down gun store and a shady looking tattoo parlor. NO DON’T BUILD WHITE COLLAR OFFICE BUILDINGS ON TOP OF THE UBRAN DECAY!! PLEASE GOD NO!! WHERE WILL I BE ABLE TO BUY GUNS FROM NOW ON???
“Drawing upon available and applicable stimulus funds, we can pursue a prospective remedy to the logistical and financial impediments to both the Coliseum renovation and the grandiose Lighthouse proposal,” added Supervisor Murray. “By using stimulus funds to renovate the aging Coliseum, we can relieve the cost/benefit pressures cited by Islanders’ ownership.”
See, the funny thing about all this stimulus/bailout thing is that everyone is trying to stick their hands in the cookie jar. At this point, I’m half expecting the Mexican Government to ask for money just because they’re the down-on-their-luck next door neighbor. Then there’s the whole part of this project where Charles Wang and Scott Rechler are pledging millions of their own money to it. So, you know, that federal stimulus can go to a place that really needs it and not a group of folks trying to renovate a sports arena. Somehow I don’t think the general public would appreciate their money going towards that in these economic times. Hell, people don’t want to bailout the auto industry. Why are they supposed to bite on this?
“Let’s replace the rhetoric of demands and deadlines with the realities of jobs and growth. We can put hundreds, if not thousands, of people to work right now, at a time when families are struggling and unemployment numbers rising. I call upon all Long Islanders to team up in a wave of public support to get to work now, to renovate the Coliseum, create jobs, stimulate the economy and keep our hockey team at home where they belong.”
Renovating the Coliseum alone isn’t going to do anything. It’s still going to house one pro sports team that bleeds money because it’s locked into a terrible lease with SMG and the county. Maybe Billy Joel will play a concert or two there again, maybe not… And hey, let’s not build the “two 35-40 story office buildings, 17 apartment buildings, 2,306 apartment units, one million square feet of office space, 500,000 square feet of retail space and 612 new hotel rooms.” Fuck the jobs that would come out of building all that AND renovating the Coliseum.
“To demonstrate and articulate the public’s support for an immediate pursuit of stimulus funds to renovate the Coliseum and rescue our hockey team, I have organized a petition drive to encourage County Executive Tom Suozzi to pursue available federal monies. I know the County Executive shares my commitment to saving the Islanders. Together we can take bold and purposeful steps towards achieving that goal.”
You know what’s always cute, when people start petitions. They get a couple thousand signatures from people who really don’t give a damn about their cause but will sign their stupid paper so that they’ll stop ringing their doorbell and go away. Weeks later, it’s presented to a politician. The politician says it’s nice but there’s nothing they can do. What’s funnier is that, in this case, the politician is the one starting the petition. You know, the person in power. They don’t need petitions to do things. Does she even know that she’s in charge?
“I call upon Mr. Suozzi and Mr. Wang to put Long Islanders first, put hockey fans first and put the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum first,” concluded Murray. “And first things first, let’s pursue the federal stimulus money immediately and allow state-mandated environmental reviews to continue on course for the remainder of the Lighthouse Project. Let’s win this thing together, for a better Long Island and a brighter future.”
First I first want to say firstly that this is the first post in the history of this site to put Long Islanders first. To follow the first sentence in this paragraph, I firstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirstfirst
…
…
…
FIRST!!1!ONE!!
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
