“Look at Me! I Say Things that have Zero Validity!”

As the reactions of the Brett Favre signing reverberate throughout the league, ESPN NFL “analyst” and overbearing character Mark Schlereth, who used to play for the Broncos as well, you know, has felt more than compelled to check in and offer his own view of the trade, a view that no one really was fretting to hear …

“I’ll tell you what brother, by signing Brett Favre this close to the start of the season, after everything he’s told us, the well respected media divas at ESPN, about how the Minnesota Vikings had written him off, Coach Brad Childress has just lost every ounce of respect and credibility the locker room ever had for him. I’ll tell you what, when I was playing for the greatest team to ever put on a football helmet, the Denver Broncos, it was very important that we trusted and respected our head coach. That’s the only way we could win a Super Bowl, which we went on to do, if you don’t remember for some reason. But this Vikings team? No way, nu uh. They are in some serious trouble!

Let me tell you guys, the problem here is simple; Childress lied! Flat out! To his players, to his fans, and to the organization. I know this for a fact, even though I never do any real investigating or reporting. I know that Childress most certainly did not have any kind of agreement set up with Favre under the table that owner Zygi Wilf knew nothing about, and I’m 1000% sure that none of the players saw this coming. How could they?! They kept on hearing rumors about Favre all summer long, waffling here, waffling there, and never making up his mind until three weeks ago when he appeared to call it quits. That should have been it. Childress at that point said it was over, that the team wouldn’t look into signing him, and the players trusted that statement. Then he went back on it. You think that’s gonna cause some problems? Well let me tell you, as a former player for the great Denver Broncos – I was an offensive linemen, by the way – those lies are distractions! As much as the team may want to say that no one cares if Favre comes in late, it’s a distraction, and, I mean, come on brother! It has to be! Otherwise I’ll keep saying the word distraction until it actually becomes one!

Think about how Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels must feel. Here they are, just two innocent, great organization players, trying their best to fight for the starting quarterback spot, thinking that it’s going to be a fair training camp battle, and then , hey, look, it’s a Hall of Fame quarterback just swooping in to steal my job after I was told that he wouldn’t! I mean, come on Brad! How can anyone ever trust, or respect, you ever again. You lied. You lied directly to your players, and perhaps, the most important players on your team, besides the offensive linemen who are always vastly underrated, just like we were when I played offensive line for the wonderful Denver Bronco organization.

Listen, Brad, I know you think you’re just upgrading the talent on your team, but let’s be serious here. Let’s be men. I’ve never once, in my entire football career with the Denver Broncos and as a respected, loved, and trusted analyst on ESPN, heard of a team that was only one player away from the Super Bowl. You think that signing Brett Favre was enough to get you over the hump, but it won’t be! Football is a team sport, Coach! And although I would never expect a Coach to understand that, someone who didn’t even play the game, and play it well like I did, you’ve just got to come to terms with it! And I know I told you once that your first priority should be to upgrade your passing game, but I didn’t mean by doing this! You’ve got to stop listening to me, or we’ll be looking for a new job come January!

So, what do you all think?”

“CUT! God damn it, Schlereth, just read the lines on the cue cards, ok? This is fucking Guiding Light, not your Razzie Award speech. ONCE AGAIN FROM THE TOP, PEOPLE!”