Love Of The Game

February 14th, 2011-

The stench of that day still sits with you, like a stain on a favorite shirt that Tide can’t ever seem to remove.

You rolled into work sipping on a warm, frothy soy latte like the modern gladiator that you are. After a few minutes in the cube chatting with a co-worker about that one email you forgot about, the date on the calendar caught your eye. Valentine’s Day.

You quickly pulled up Google Maps to find a florist. Most of the afternoon was spent on your Urban Spoon iPhone app, trying to find a restaurant. Everything was booked so you ended up with PF Chang’s. (And why not? They have a guy who makes custom sauce, and that exudes class and refinement. Plus, it’s the only place white people can go for Chinese food without worrying about what dim sum is.)

But damn. You still remember it. The dreadful realization that you had forgotten about the game. As a sports fanatic, sure, there’s a game every night worth watching, but that night was the game. Ugh.

Luckily for your date, you were a gentleman and opted to have crab wontons, followed by a screening of “Valentine’s Day.” You were anxious the entire night. Not for the girl. No, the sweat on your forehead was from checking the score in the restroom. Your battery died in the third quarter. It wasn’t until the next day that you found out that your team had lost in double overtime.

“Never again,” you said to yourself. You do remember saying that, don’t you?

February 14th, 2012-

Fellas, this Valentine’s Day, the ladies come first. As the princesses that they are, it is our duty to treat them to candy, roses, dinners, and other fine delicacies. But the game can be a close second. After all, love is a two-way street, so 2/14 is as much about you as it is about her. Look it up; it’s in the DMV handbook under two-way streets! Treat yourself, because after all, she wants you to be happy. (Right?!)

The first thing you need to do this year is figure out what you want to see that night. Since basketball is the biggest sport in February, let’s go with the safe bet that you want to see the Blazers battle Harry Potter and the rest of the Washington Wizards. The game starts at 8 PM Pacific.

Now some of you may think this means that you should take your date to a bar with TVs. Sorry guys, but you can’t do that. The venue has to be romantic.

However, the time doesn’t have to be.

Try to get off work a bit early. Take your girl to dinner at a nice restaurant. Or cook at home. Whatever you do, do it early. 6 PM tops. Have you looked outside lately? You can’t tell 6pm from midnight. Dark and rainy is dark and rainy. Make sure you have a reservation as well to avoid delays. Dinner will take an hour tops.

At 7:15 PM, you should offer dessert somewhere nearby. Limit yourself to one drink so you can make it back to your place a few minutes past 8. Relax, you’re only going to miss half of the first quarter. Let’s be honest, the part of the game where they don’t really even try. This is key because if you make it back to your place right at the start of the game, the whole thing will seem orchestrated from the beginning. You’ll panic and tell her that you read it all online, likely shedding a single tear.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that I neglected to mention the finer details of exactly how you will pull off the Herculean feat of convincing this girl to come home with you. Well dear friend, I have faith in your ability. Alright, if nothing works, just say that you ran into Gerald Wallace earlier and he said he would blow your girl a Jason Kidd-like kiss if he made a three.

At this point, you are on the couch in your finely furnished castle of love. Have her stay seated and go get a bottle of wine and some cheese, maybe some fruit. If you don’t drink, replace wine with almond milk or whatever you’re both into. It’s Portland, so you know it’s going to be almond milk. Bring everything out on your coffee table and then start talking to her. Casually turn the TV on, which, as fate would have it, would be set to the channel that the game is on.

Now for the really crazy part: Talk to her. I know, I know. You’re wondering how you can enjoy the game without a conversation timeout. Be patient. Focus on her. When you go grab a bite to eat, or take a sip of Pinot, do it slowly to allow enough time to catch about twenty seconds of the game.

Ultimately, you’ll have the same experience as watching the Blazers in the Rose Garden: You’re watching the game and cheering the big plays, but you’re mostly paying attention elsewhere. The difference is that instead of talking to your friends, or drooling over the Blazer Dancers, you’ll be conversing with your sweet Valentine. Mom would be proud!

Look, if the game is that important to you, this may not be the ideal solution. You won’t see every thrilling dunk, or catch that blown call that everyone will be talking about tomorrow. But in the end, your night will turn out a lot better than if you were stuck trying to leave the Rose Garden garage, with a free chalupa coupon as your only companion.