You’re a big, brawny sports reader, I get that. You’re probably here for a mid-season report on the Blazers, or for the first updates on the Mariners.
Sorry bub, but we’ve got more pressing matters to cover: Portland’s often terrible fashion scene and the role that the state’s sports scene plays in it.
The first part of the puzzle is recognizing that the city itself has a problem. Say you just landed yourself a background role in ‘Portlandia’ because the casting director liked your ironic vintage Mary’s Club t-shirt, your big bushy beard, the prescription-less glasses, and your gauged earlobes. How’s the Portland hipster look going to look ten years from now? Pro tip: how does high school yearbook photo look today?
As if things weren’t bad enough, our local sports teams come into play and actually make things worse. The same Ducks, Beavers, Mariners, Seahawks, Winterhawks and Blazers apparel you proudly wear to the game can be a fashion disaster on the streets.
I am here to save you and our fair city.
Perhaps I’ve gotten carried away. Let me help reassure you: it’s okay to wear sports apparel. Are you going to tailgate at Autzen? That Ducks jersey is right at home there. Wear the lime green one! Front row seats at the Rose Garden for a playoff game? A tuxedo would be lovely but jeans and an Aldridge jersey are more than appropriate.
Now, let’s examine just a few of the numerous improper use of sports clothing:
While attending class at Portland State-
Portland State is a fantastic, world renowned university. After all, it’s thanks to their education that I’m writing for this site…for free…from a computer at the Gresham Public Library…because my box under the Morrison doesn’t have Wi-Fi. Sorry, I get carried away.
PSU is known for a lot of great things, but sports have never lived up to I-5 rivals OSU and U of O. This doesn’t make it okay to walk into class with a Duck hat on. If you want to wear a sports item in class, make it a professional team or a Vikings cap. Or combine the two and go for a Minnesota Vikings hat. But wearing a hat for a college when you’re currently attending another college only serves as a reminder to others that you should’ve taken those Kaplan SAT prep courses.
If you have a weight problem-
Although everyone does, appreciate the comical irony.
Buying anything with a year on it-
It’s always been a mystery to me why anyone would buy a shirt that comes with an expiration date. If the Blazers win the NBA Championship this year, please resist the temptation to buy a “Trail Blazers 2012 NBA Champions” shirt. Think about it. Next year, everyone will know that you’re rocking an old shirt. Its power as a people repellent will only grow over time. The Drexler days will forever be missed in this town, but if you see someone with a “‘92 Trail Blazers” sweatshirt, it’s a safe bet that they’re sleeping outside a Walgreens on Sandy. Keep the expiration dates for milk and annoying girlfriends.
Overdoing it-
As previously mentioned, it’s often perfectly acceptable to wear a Beavers jacket. But you also have a Beavers shirt under it. Oh, and are you wearing orange pants? Ah, there’s a Beavers logo on those too. The shoes are replicas of the basketball team’s. You’re wearing orange wristbands and an even brighter orange headband. At this point, you better be stepping on the court, or getting ready to serve time, because you have just embarrassed all of those with the misfortune of being your friend.
And last but not least…
The Date-
It’s doubtful that a woman has ever, since the dawn of time, showed up to a date in a sports outfit, so this will focus on the fellas.
Gentleman, you simply can’t wear sporting apparel to a first date. Period.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends for a while, if you think she’s “really chill,” or if your “bros” said it’s cool because the date is at the Rose Garden. You simply can’t do it.
The reasons for this are vast and endless: It looks like you’re taking the date too lightly and don’t care, you look like a frat boy rather an employed boy, and it gives the impression that you can’t afford a nice Van Heusen shirt. The jersey will also highlight the fact that you are not as ripped or as rich or as famous as the athlete whose jersey you are wearing. In fact, you’re as likely to get in the NBA free agent pool as you are to get in her apartment pool, let alone her gene pool.
Friends, us Portlanders are all about cleaning up. We recycle and even take the concept a step further and try to eat clean, now more than ever. Why should our wardrobes be any different? No one is asking you to put down “Sports Illustrated.” But maybe, just maybe, you can sneak a peek at “GQ” too.
To paraphrase LMFAO, We’re sexy and we know it. Now let’s go out there and show it!
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