Monday Morning Chrysler New Yorker

Monday Morning Chrysler New Yorker
With their 0-3 start in the AFC North and their 1-4 record in the AFC, the Baltimore Ravens are about as socially and culturally relevant as Picway Shoes* right now.

Yes, I just successfully referenced Picway Shoes in a Pittsburgh sportsblog. I will begin to accept any and all compliments now.

James Harrison is a beast (Thanks to Ed Spags for the vid). I watched him exit the locker rooms with no helmet and thought, “Man, this dude is a beast.” Then, he proceeded to tally a season’s-worth of stats. And just in case you were wondering, I’m no James Harrison-bandwagon-jumper-on-er. Take a look at my Blogger profile. That’s no accident. He’s been my guy for a while.

Tale of the tape: Ravens should have stayed home. Underlying theme: James Harrison was on meth.

I was in a state of euphoria at kickoff last night, what with the Pens dominating old foe New Jersey, the all-time Steelers team prowling the sidelines and the Steelers about to crush Jesus Lewis and the listless Ravens. That 38-7 final almost seemed too good to be true.

And yes, it was okay for Ben to still be in the game when Suggs pushed him. It was the 3rd quarter. This wasn’t Tom Brady going for 4th and whatever late in the final frame. Oh, and I only referenced Tom Brady because his name was brought up about 50 times last night by the MNF crew. Honestly, can a quarterback do anything good without being compared to Tom Brady? I truly don’t think so.

Enough of my rambling. Let’s look at the studs and duds.

Bennifer. ***SPOLIER ALERT*** He’s going to get 5 of 5 helmets. No picks or fumbles in the slop was what stood out most in my mind. Yeah, those 5 passing TDs in the first half were pretty good, but I’m more impressed with how Ben handled the elements and refused to turn over the ball. Compare that to Air McNair. Sure, Ben finished with only 209 yards (probably the lowest total by any QB tossing 5 TDs) but most of that was due to Baltimore turnovers on their own side of the field. 13 for 16 is just ridiculous efficiency. I know I already spoiled it, but 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets (one for each TD) for Large Ben.

Fast Bill. Did not impress me at all. Najeh seemed to be a better fit in the slop against a stout running D like Baltimore. William only averaged 1.8 yards per, and could not get anything going. I hope its due to the elements rather than the defense, and Willie returns to form soon. However, he can’t continually blame the weather. It won’t always be 65 and sunny in January. Baltimore was a test for the Heir-Bus, and he failed. 3 of 5 motorcycle helmets for pounding the rock 23 times despite being frustrated all night.

San Antonio. 4 receptions for a buck ten. 2 of those 4 were touchdown grabs. San Antonio had more receiving yards (110) than Baltimore had total yards (104). He dropped that one pass in the end zone, but recovered nicely to finish off the drive with a touchdown in the opposite corner. He played better than the entire Baltimore team (which wasn’t hard to do), so I’ll reward each of his catches with 4 of 5 motorcycle helmets and a hearty pat on the back.

James Harrison. …was on meth all night. Dude was filling in nicely for Joey Porter all season, putting up solid stats and making sure Yinzers weren’t questioning his roster spot. Last night, Harrison nearly made fans want to replace Porter with Harrison on the all-time team. Look at those numbers one more time. 10 tackles (9 solo), 3.5 sacks, 3 forced fumbles, 1 fumble recovered and 20 interception return yards. Most undrafted free agents would kill for a season like that. Harrison was an undrafted free agent who did that in one night, against every “expert’s” favorite defense. 10 of 5 motorcycle helmets, just because I can.

Throwbacks. Those unis are now 2-0 this season. Plus, those “used Q-Tip” helmets were hitting balls left and right. Keep the unis. Use ’em every year. 5 of 5 motorcycle helmets for the throwbacks.

Ooooooh…the Browns are 5-3! I’m so scared.

*For those of you who weren’t poor, Picway was a shittier version of Payless ShoeSource. It sucked big time.

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