More Signs that the NFL Hates Defense and the Minnesota Vikings

Don’t you hate it when people are talking about defense in the NFL and they spell it “defence” consistently? What the hell, people? Are you just stupid? French?

The NFL announced over the weekend that Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs ended up winning Defensive Player of the Year. He edged out Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen for the award, receiving 21 votes compared to Allen’s 14. Other players nominated were Also receiving votes were 49ers defenders Justin Smith, Navorro Bowman, and Patrick Willis, along with Packers cornerback Charles Woodson, and Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. Apparently, the 49ers were really good, the Packers cheat, and that last guy definitely is French. Or French-Polynesian. Or whatever.

It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the NFL is crooked as a cross-eyed dog and they hate defense and the Minnesota Vikings. All since Jared Allen didn’t win, or course.

First, let’s recall the year Jared Allen had on defense. Here’s his base stat line for 2011:

He had 22 sacks, and if it wasn’t for that son of a bitch Brett Favre bending over like the Jets employee in his dreams or when Kristen Bell says hi to a puppy, Michael Strahan would never have backed his way into the sack record of 22.5 in a season, and Jared Allen would now hold that prestigious award. It’s shit. He also had a safety, four forced fumbles AND recoveries, four passes defended, and one interception. AS A DEFENSIVE END. Do you know what defense ends on other 4-3 teams do? They trip themselves up trying to run around a 300 pound offensive tackle, or try so hard to rush the quarterback that they end up 15 yards outside of the play. Worthless. Think about, like, Tampa Bay, Seattle, the Eagles, or the Redskins. I’m pretty sure all of them run a 4-3. Can you name ANY of their defensive ends? I think the Eagles have a guy, that one dude with the name … Maybe Tampa Bay, but he’s always injured. The Redskins are just racists, so they don’t even count. Jared Allen is the quintessential defensive end in a 4-3 scheme and absolutely wrote the Encyclopedia Britannica on how to play the position this season.

Now let’s look at Terrell Suggs season stats:

OK, here we go. Both age 29, played same amount of games. And his stats aren’t even that much better. Right? Am I crazy? He’s got one more interception, but you expect that from a linebacker, right, CHAD GREENWAY? 52 tackles? Is that THAT much better than 46 as a defensive tackle? Chad Greenway played a retarded version of Terrell Suggs position and he ended up with 88 tackles (108 last year). 52? Whatever. Suggs didn’t even recover a fumble in 2011.

I gotta be honest. Suggs is a good player. The Baltimore Ravens are a much superior team to the Vikings, clearly (except for their offensive line, which is a wash). But the fact that Jared Allen didn’t win the Defensive Player of the Year Award – didn’t even get closer in votes, really – is absurd. Is it because he single handily won the Vikings three games this year while Suggs rode the coat tails of Ed Reed and Ray Lewis? I’d put more weight on Jared Allen being a one man wrecking machine than on a guy that actually had other tools to work with in his tool shed.

If I were Jared Allen, I’d use this as motivation. I’d grow the shit out of my hair, get a solid mustache going, where my sleeves really short on my jersey next season, always where a torn Rambo bandana around, and an unwashed pair of cut off jorts underneath your uniform pants. That’s how it works when you screw people, NFL. That is going to be on your consiousness. Deal with it.