With the season fast approaching BMR will be rolling out our obligatory season previews division-by-division over the coming week. Today, we’ll be taking a look at the Atlantic division.
Today, we have the esteemed privlidge of having the NBC intermission panel of “Mad” Mike Milbury and Pierre McGuire “with us” to “talk” about the Atlantic Division. * – Note: If they had actually agreed to do this, I imagine this is what it would sound like. But they didn’t — they didn’t answer the emails that I never sent — so consider this an artist’s interpretation.
Pierre: OK, Mike here we are on the BMR blog. We’re previewing the Atlantic Division and I want to get this done as quickly as possible so I can go home and see my family again. Also, this place smells like skunky beer and sex.
Mike: For once I agree, Petey. Let’s get this done. Now. I don’t know who chained me to this chair but when I find out I’m gonna — ACK
*Mike gets tazered by armed guard*
MM: Seriously? Armed guards? When I get loose I’m gonna smack the shit outta — ACKKK
*gets tazered again*
PM: Alright, let’s get this done with. I’ll start us off while Mike gets feeling back in his right side. So we’ll start with the Devils. They’ve finally got Kovalchuk signed, lost Paul Martin but got a few other defenders and have a backup for Marty Brodeur. They’re looking like the same old contenders they always are. Thoughts, Mike?
MM: You know Lou Lamoriello. He’s gonna keep this team in contention and Marty Brodeur is a big, fat, solid rock back there. They’ll be around in the spring. Too bad they got knocked out by those pansy Flyers last year. Hopefully they don’t choke again this year.
PM: Only thing Marty’s choking on is a hot dog, am I right?
MM: Zing!
*goes to high five Pierre then pulls back*
Sucka!
PM: Sigh. Moving on… Crosby, Malkin and the Penguins. What do you see from them, Mike?
MM: Cindy Crosby? That little punk will be up to his usual whining and crying and they’ll win a few games. Who cares, really.
PM: Probably a large part of our audience.
MM: Whatever.
PM: There you have it folks, Mike’s detailed analysis.
*Mike reaches across the desk and slaps Pierre*
MM: Don’t talk back you little French Canadian nitwit.
PM: Uh… I’m from New Jersey.
MM: Don’t lie, Petey. You work for TSN.
PM: So?
MM: I work for NBC and NESN. I’m from Boston. You’re from TSN. You’re from Quebec.
PM: I don’t think that’s how that works.
MM: Shutup. What’s the next team?
PM: One you know well, Mike. The Islanders.
*both break out into laughter*
MM: Oh man!
*wipes away tears of laughter*
I screwed them good didn’t I?
PM: *also wipes away tears of laughter*
Hahahaha yeah you did, Mike! You set them back a generation!
MM: Hoo boy. Good times.
PM: Good times, indeed.
MM: But yeah, Streit’s out for the year and Okposo is out until 2011. They’re fucked.
PM: Sounds about right. Let’s go across town. What do you see the Rangers doing?
MM: Blowing money on someone. Just not Wade Redden. Maybe a hookers and blackjack party.
PM: And since I really want to go home, the Flyers.
MM: Well as long as they have Pronger they’re not doing anything.
PM: Even though they made the Finals last year with him playing well?
MM: He’s a big jerk. That lack of sportsmanship doesn’t get you anywhere.
PM: Well, there you have it folks. The Atlantic Division. Now it’s time to go home.
Voice overhead: NO. No. We have you contracted for one more preview.
PM: What?
Voice: Yeah.
MM: Son of a… My agent is gonna hear about this.
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