As you might have been aware, the Pittsburgh Penguins have selected female members of their first ever Squad of Ice Girls mixed-gender and totally not controversial Ice Crew. I decided that I should see what al the fuss was about.
(LOSER DOMI enters rink)
LOSER DOMI: Holy crap, this is a lot of shovel sluts! This is great!
ICE CREW COODRINATOR LAURA SPENCER: Hello, are you here for the tryouts?
LD: Well, I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Do I have to sign in?
SPENCER: Super! How much skating experience do you have?
LD: Well, uh, to be totally on completely honest…I can’t skate. But I’m a fast learner, nimble on my feet, and I have mad shoveling skills. Plus, I have no problems displaying my boobs. Seriously, they may not be the largest, but I can shake ‘em with the best.
SPENCER: It’s too bad, because we really need members of our Ice Crew to be skilled skaters. They have to be very agile because you never know when a player or official will stop right in front of you. Finally, we need energy and we need to see how you carry yourself.
LD: Dude, I can bend over and shake my ass with the best of them. I can totally work a shovel like a stripper pole. I have energy and pep coming out of my ears. Tell you what—you pick a girl her, any girl, and I’ll fight her for you.
SPENCER: …Excuse me?
LD: I’ll fight her. I figure I’m more of a grinder/brutal checking line kind of ice girl anyway. I’m not above knocking out teeth or pulling out weaves. I can break a nail or six and survive. I don’t mind having a few bruises as long as I left the other skank worse. I drink plenty of milk so my bones are nice and strong.
SPENCER: I think you might want to look into some…other activities. Have you ever tried roller derby?
LD: Well, if I work on my skating, can I leave my information with you? You know, in case one of the other girls gets hurt or knocked up or something?
SPENCER: I think we’re done here.
LD: Are you sad that you never got to be a big-time Olympic figure skater during the 3 year span in which it’s physically possible? Are you at all bitter that someone who was younger ad prettier got to accomplish things you only dreamed of doing?
SPENCER: GET OUT OF MY RINK!
LD: Well, Crap. What else am I gonna do in Pittsburgh?
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