Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-dooo-dooo-doodo-Dododo.
You know what that sound is, right? It’s not the shrieking eels but the Game of Thrones theme! The show is back! Sex, boobs, violence, ass shots… and that’s just in the first 10 minutes of the season! Let’s take a break from tanking and worrying about the freaking Arizona Coyotes, and talk about the upcoming season of GoT. I’ve read the books, but I know not all of you have so I’m gonna write two sections for each part of the GoT world, one that focuses only on what’s happened so far on the TV series and one that gets into the books and potential TV spoilers. (If you’re not caught up with the TV series, you should probably just skip this completely and reassess your lives since you are watching Yotes games instead of Thrones.)
At the Wall (non-spoiler)
Get ready for some cougar-loving with Melisandre and Jon Snow! Remember the scene where they were BBQing the dead from the battle of the wall and Melisandre was staring through the flames and at Jon Snow? Definitely one of those let’s get DTF stares that I get at so many bars (sad lies). We all know that she’s got a thing for young bastards. While having leeches thrown on my Johnson isn’t exactly in my top 100 sexual fantasies, Melisandre’s a top hottie on the show. Funny thing is my GoT enthusiast friend thinks she’s ugly and looks like Gary Bettman with boobs and a wig.
Anyway, Snow has to try and sleep with her because:
A) She’s a redhead like Ygritte.
B) He needs a rebound chick since he BBQed Ygritte next to Chip and Dale’s tree home.
Aside from trying to get laid, Jon is going to have to deal with two kings in Stannis and Mace Ryder. If you watched any previews for this season, they have pretty much showed that Stannis plans on fucking up the Bolton’s army so it will be interesting to see how long Stannis hangs out at Castle Black. This is a big year for Snow as his storyline finally crosses with other storylines. Plus, he doesn’t have Ygritte distracting him.
At the Wall (POTENTIAL SPOILERS! DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT READ THE BOOKS!)
All right, we all know that this could be the season in which the series catches up to the books. Jon Snow’s story arc will probably need to be compressed more than any others to make that happen. We still need him to become the new lord commander, Stannis still needs to offer to legitimize Jon’s claim to the Stark name/legacy (YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT OFFER, JON!), he still has to behead Janos Slynt (God, I can’t wait until that happens!), he has to send Sam away to get laid on a cruise ship, he has to deal with Stannis/Melisandre and Fake Ayra, he has to quit the Knight’s Watch in order to fuck up Ramsey Bolton’s army (fist pumping moment in the book!), and then he has to get stabbed by everyone (still wanted to fist pump, but this time in George R. R. Martin’s face).
Here’s what I’m predicting: I think they do the Stark/Knights Watch Commander arc and probably have Stannis leave for Winterfell. They will probably save Fake Arya and his stabbing for next year. Although, I could see them killing off the Fake Arya storyline completely since really, why the hell does Ramsey have to marry her? The Starks are dead in their world. Who the hell is going to dispute the Boltons’ claim if everyone thinks the Starks are gone?
At Kings Landing (non-spoiler)
That sound you just heard is the shit hitting the fan. You can only imagine what Cersei’s reaction is going to be when she finds out that:
A) Her dad is dead.
B) The brother that she despises killed him and then escaped.
C) Her dad was banging a dead whore.
I mean, if this girl’s head isn’t messed up at this point since she bangs her brother, nothing else will get her to crack. She’s going to be plenty pissed off! However, this could also clear the way for Cersei to do things her way without her father or younger brother being in her ear. We all know Cersei wants power. She’s dreamed about being in charge and now she may get her wish. Pretty sure Jaime isn’t going to want to be near her this season since she’s probably going to be on the rampage. And what about the Martells? The series is bringing in the Sand Snakes which are the Red Viper’s bastard daughters. I’m pretty sure they are going to want to rain fire on King’s Landing since their dad’s head looks like a broken up double-fudge chocolate chip cookie.
Can we all say that we’ve watched the Joffery death scene almost as much as Drury’s OT winner against the Rangers in 2007 or is it just me?
The discord between the Lannisters last season totally reminds me of what the 2014 Bills went through. Ralph Joffery Wilson died. (Note: No way am I comparing Joffery to Ralph. Just that they were kings) All hell broke loose. Marrone became Tywin, trying to tell everyone what to do. Russ Brandon became Cersei, manipulating all powers and trying to say everything is fiiiiiiiine but being completely full of shit. EJ Manuel became Tyrion and went on trial for being a shitty QB and everyone around him hated him. Doug Whaley went all Jaime, trying to be a calming influence, but knowing his football family is filled with a bunch of jackasses. Nate Hackett became Shae and testified against Tyrion Manuel for being shitty or maybe he was the Red Viper who tried to stick up for Maunel and died? Not sure who that makes Rex Ryan. I just realize that in this scenario, EJ shot an arrow into Marrone’s heart while he was taking a shit and now Tommen Ryan is in charge.
At King’s Landing (POTENTIAL SPOILERS! DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT READ THE BOOKS!)
I wasn’t the biggest fan of the 4th book. I thought it was too much running around and not enough killing although that probably had a lot to do with how crazy the 3rd book was. That said, I was very smitten with Cersei’s downward spiral in the 4th book. Having Cersei unchained is going to be awesome because she’s finally going to get hers when she does the Walk of Shame Punishment. I mean, she’s going to lay it on real thick with her dismay towards everyone. Supposedly, this is all happening this season which means the series will be caught up to the books when it comes to her plot line. I was thinking they could drag it out by having this season be all about her losing her shit and then getting arrested but put off her trial and punishment until next season. I think it would be creative to have her trial be a lot like Tyrion’s was last year. Give her taste of her own medicine!
Also, they are going off book with Jaime going to Dorne to retrieve Marcella from the Martells. This ought to be fun since the Sand Snakes are bad asses. Jaime better watch his ass. Eventually, Jaime and Cersei have to do their breakup so maybe they do an angle where he decides not to take Marcella back and that’s the equivalent of him throwing Cersei’s letter into the fire.
Across the Narrow Sea (non-spoiler)
Our girl Dany is dragon-less and Jorah-less. OK, so here’s some Sabres meets GoT logic. Pat LaFontaine is totally Dany’s brother. You know, the brother she ordered to be killed by head melting because he was a douche. Dany is Tim Murray and the only reason she was friends with Jorah (Ted Nolan) was because her brother made them be friends after Jorah crashed her wedding. Then, after LaFontaine’s head became a silver dollar, she had no choice but to be friends with Jorah because he was just there. Of course, their break up was inevitable because Jorah Nolan was writing letters to Bucky and the small council at TBN about secrets within the ranks. Bang. You are banished.
Anyway, Dany is transitioning from conqueror to ruler. When you have 8,000 dickless suli-soldiers and 3 dragons, the conquering part is easy. The ruling part you kind of need a brain for. Jorah, to me, was always the mind behind the madness and with him gone, it’s going to be up to Dany to make some big decisions.
Of course, if you’ve seen the previews, you know that Tyrion is trying to make his way to her side. Hmmm. He’d be a pretty good replacement for Jorah, right?
Across the Narrow Sea (POTENTIAL SPOILERS! DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVENT READ THE BOOKS!)
Like with Jon Snow, there are a lot of angles to cover with Tyrion Lannister. He still has to meet Ser Jorah, Penny the dwarf, and Aegon Targaryen and he has to get captured, sold into slavery, and fights in the pits. If you’ve seen the preview, you obviously saw the scene with everyone at the fighting pit which is pretty much the end of book 5 so either they are flying through Tyrion’s storyline or maybe the long lost Targaryen comes next year? I haven’t read what the creators plan on doing or cutting out, but I’m gonna assume they have Ser Jorah and Tyrion meet. There should be some stellar scenes between the duo. They have also added Viserys to the mix since in the books, you see him at the end of the 3rd book and he doesn’t reappear until the end of the 5th book.
I kind of hope they don’t have an entire season of Tyrion in self-pity mode since that’s all he was in book 5. Get over it. She’s a whore and she fucked you over and fucked your dad who tried having you killed. You should be celebrating and starting your religion of tits and wine. BTW, how awesome do the dragons look in the previews? I’m excited about what happens across the Narrow Sea this year.
The North (non-spoiler)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH. 18-year-old kissing a 45-year-old. Yuck. It seems like Sansa has finally figured out that the princess and dresses lifestyle she’s always wanted is pretty much dead. There’s some manipulation to her game now, demonstrated when she bailed Littlefinger out when the Lords of the Vale wanted to throw him through a moon door. We all know Littlefinger is smitten with Sansa, and that’s where the conflict is. I think both parties are under the impression that they are getting one over on the other, but are blinded to the fact that they are actually getting played, too. Littlefinger may think Sansa is still just a stupid little girl while Sansa may thing Littlefinger is a good guy, there to help her. Both could be seriously mistaken.
Meanwhile, Theon “Reek” Greyjoy still has no dick. Seriously, I know he was a douche in season 2 and deserved a lot of this, but enough’s enough. But props to the actor who plays him. Watch Theon in season 2 and watch him last season. Two completely different people. Reek is now moving into Winterfell with the Boltons and I’m sure its gonna be like The Real World: The North. In terms of my kill list, I totally want the Boltons to get the Joffery treatment. Actually, strike that. I want the Frey family to fucking die first. Then the Boltons.
The North (POTENTIAL SPOILERS! DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOKS!)
Let’s start with Arya Stark. We all know she’s going to get her Jedi training with Yoda at some house in Braavos. Now, I’ve read that it’s possible that her trainer will be Jaqen H’ghar. LET ME YELL AT THE HEAVENS!!! This would be awesome. H’ghar is one of my favorite non-main characters in the series. Yes, I am envious of his hair and his accent. If there was a way I could pull those off, I’d be doing it. Sadly, I’m only modestly good looking. For the most part, I’ve always enjoyed the ways the creators have gone off book (see: Brienne vs. the Hound and the Tywin/Arya scenes) and I’m hoping they keep that tradition going here.
But seriously, where the fuck is Lady Stoneheart!? I don’t care what Heather B. says about her. I loved when Lady Stonehart revealed herself at the end of the 3rd book. Look, we all want the Freys/Boltons to get theirs for what they did to the Starks at the Red Wedding. Who do you want to get revenge on them? Sansa? Come on. Sansa sucks. Arya? Yes, I’d put her at the top. But after that, who is gonna be the hero? Theon? Tyrion? Hodor? Fuck that. Cateyln Stark has been screwed the most by everyone. I don’t care if she can’t talk because her killing Walder Frey would give me a huge nerd boner. I want that moment when she appears and Twitter loses its shit. It would be an awesome moment.
Obviously, the creators and the actress can’t say she’s coming back because it would ruin the surprise. And trust me, I’m not Mr. HOW DARE THEY GO AWAY FROM THE BOOKS Guy. Like I said, I’ve enjoyed when the show has gone away from the books. But if they kill off Lady Stoneheart, I’m gonna be plenty pissed! I’ve read speculation that Sansa becomes Lady Stoneheart and maybe she runs the Brothers Without Banners. But no. I don’t want that. Give me Stoneheart at the end of the season or after episode 5.
Final word: George Martin better fucking hurry up with Winds of Winters
(BONUS: Heather B.’s hot takes! This is what happens when you give me your blog password. SPOILERS! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! The showrunners have mentioned that they’re killing off someone who’s still alive in the books. My money is on Jorah. I love him, but none of the stuff between him and Tyrion is really necessary and getting rid of him will move Tyrion’s storyline along and get him to Dany faster, PRAISE JESUS BECAUSE I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. It’s true, I don’t care one whit about Lady Stoneheart and think Arya should just handle all the family revenge business because hello, Arya is by far the most awesome Stark. I think the season MVP will be Lena Headey. I can’t wait to watch her sink her teeth into Cersei’s upcoming stuff. She’s going to kill it.)
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