New Red Sox Merchandise Coming!

Sometimes, being the author of Fire Brand of the American League has its perks. Today I was able to view some Red Sox merchandise/sponsorship opportunities that will be coming out soon. Apparently, the Red Sox have had a downtick of revenue since the 2005 season has started – the “2004 World Series Champions” memorabilia has abated, so the Red Sox are instead focusing on generating revenue from the 2005 season thus far. As I was shown each of the opportunities offered the Red Sox by various suitors that the Red Sox agreed to do, I was struck at how poignantly each item captured the 2005 season so far*.

Broderbund Software has brought back a variation of the “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” computer games, but fearing little children will not know who Carmen Sandiego is and thus not play the game, Broderbund felt it best to get a new face on the game. What better than the most high profile Red Sox free agent acquisition over the summer! Children in Florida, St. Louis, and Boston will know who Renteria is! Broderbund is confident that sales will skyrocket, as people attempt to find Edgar Renteria’s bat, his glove, and his intangibles. The villian that is chasing Renteria is Tony LaRussa, who wants to capture Edgar and bring him back to St. Louis. Look for the computer game to be released in a few weeks. Expected cost of the game is $19.99.

ZERO Halliburton truly feels its cases are topnotch, and has decided to target Apple Powerbook users with their ZERO Halliburton case. Kevin Millar was the perfect choice as spokesperson for ZERO Halliburton, and Millar was more than happy to accept this endorsement. “When you go out and publicly say that you suck in the newspapers, endorsement opportunities are going to dry up,” said Millar in confidence to me. “I gotta get what I can, man, or it’s ‘el bencho‘ today.” The ad is expected to run in all major magazines. Check out your copy of Sports Illustrated when you recieve it!

Keith Foulke has picked up a pen instead of a baseball and with the help of an esteemed author, has churned out a book that will revolutionize the way managers, fans, and players interact with closers. Filled with chock-full information about various positions, methods, concepts, and ways to enter the game, the book truly makes your time with a closer the best it can be. Foulke offers his expertise … and does a slam dunk job of it. His corroborator, Alex Comfort, is able to take Foulke’s knowledge and seamlessly incorporate it with his knowledge, while at the same time creating a language in the book that flows forth as if it is from the Kama Sutra itself.

A new movie star is in our midst! Director Alfonso Cuaron secured the rights to ‘One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ and made modifications to its script to reflect the trials and tribulations of star Mark Bellhorn. “I had to create a script that captured the very essence of Mark Bellhorn. His swing is truly a thing of beauty, and the air that the bat swishes through on its way to nowhere is one of the marvels of our time,” said Cuaron. “What also really speaks to me is the massive amounts of men left on base, piling up and up and up until … no more.” Cuaron goes on to describe excitedly the feeling of anger, pain, and fear as the ball leaves the pitcher’s hand and smacks into the catcher’s glove unharmed. “We needed the man himself, Mark Bellhorn, to act. Tom Cruise wasn’t going to work. We needed MARK BELLHORN because only MARK BELLHORN can capture the essence of striking out on a pitch down the middle,” said co-star Anna Benson. The theme song played at the end of the movie, “Saved by the Bell(horn)” was composed by Terry Cashman except at the end, we find out that instead of being saved, we are let down by the vicious bellow that will ring hollow in our minds for eternity – “STRIKE THREE, YER OUT!”
So these are what I previewed today, and boy, I really think this is gonna make some money!
*Yes, I know I’m a lousy Photoshopper.