NFL Lockout Ends, Vikings Still Taking Their Time

On one hand, the lockout ended. I guess that means footballs back, but it really isn’t, because football season doesn’t start until September, so I’m a bit confused what the hell we’re all so excited about. I mean, except for the shirtless men running around at training camp and everything.

There was a flurry of activity Monday as reports of a finalized CBA came through. Pieces of when players could report to facilities came together, bits of when teams could sign free agents came out, and details about training camp activities perked ears all across Amurrica as fans had to wet their pants with cold water at work because they got so excited about football.

You’d think that after such a long stretch of zero contact between players and coaches, especially with a team that is in a transitional year and needs to work their butt flatter than Ellen Pompeo to even compete this year because they suck so bad like the Vikings, would want to get back to “da grind” right away. Players in first thing in the morning, training camp as soon as possible, contract restructuring, free agents, and new mascot try-outs as soon as the sun broke on Tuesday morning.

Well, that’s not happening. That is actually the Lions, a team who will finish better than the Vikings in 2011.

From the ESPN NFC North blog, written by Kevin Seifert who I generally like but have always felt is a bit sensitive and looks like that kid from Billy Madison who pisses himself, comes this information:

Long story short: Most teams won’t be up to full speed by until the end of the first official week of camp. Onward:

• The Detroit Lions will report to training camp Thursday, on the earliest date possible. Coach Jim Schwartz said via Twitter that the team’s first practice will be Friday.
• The Chicago Bears will report Friday to Olivet Nazarene University, place-kicker Robbie Gould told Jeff Dickerson of ESPNChicago.com. The Bears’ first workout will come Saturday.
• The Green Bay Packers will also report to training camp Friday and their first practice is Saturday, Packers president Mark Murphy told reporters. The Family Night scrimmage is scheduled for Aug. 6. I’m guessing Family Night will be closer to a full-pads practice than it is to a full-fledged scrimmage.
• The Minnesota Vikings will report to Minnesota State University, Mankato on Sunday, the team said in a statement. Their first practice will be Monday, and camp will conclude Aug. 11.

“Don’t worry guys, I’m pretty sure we have this all figured out. 6-10 last season with a loss to the Lions finally? Eh, we’re fine! Why don’t you take the weekend off, again, and get rejuvenated. You’ve all had such a long lockout period, you probably need some time to chill out.” Bullshit. Brad Childress would never stand for this.

Unfortunately, this news doesn’t surprise me. The Lions are awesome, have a young team full of frightening good football players, and will likely finish above .500 for the first time since the Civil War. Largely because they’re getting back to work as soon as possible. The Bears have to travel to Nazarene, which I think is in the Middle East somewhere next to Israel, so their extra day of starting is understandable due to travel. The Packers? Oh, I GUESS the Super Bowl champs can report a day later than young up and comers. MAYBER they’ve deserved it. But the Vikings coming in Sunday with the first practice being Monday is embarrassing, and is an indisputable sign that they have no fire, will, drive, passion, desire, smarts, penises or intent of winning in 2011.

You, fan, are being bamboozled. I think you demand better. I think you deserve to see the Vikings do two-a-days right away, especially a certain receiver who we don’t speak of. Get his ass to work. Get those rookies signed and make them form a boy band group to entertain the veterans. Make these guys pack their shit into smelly, hot dorm rooms in Mankato and grind it out without and luxury like our ancestors use to do. You deserve a team that WANTS to punch someone in the mouth, not throw foam parties and start a record company that puts out shitty club music. YOU DESERVE BETTER BECAUSE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!

But you won’t get it. You’ll get a team that lallygags around the field during game day but then calls out punters years later for not working hard like they did. And then Chris Kluwe will be pissed off all over again. Luckily, none of this matters. You come in an extra day and it’s not going to prevent this team from going 4-12 like I expect them to do this season. But it sure does look bad!