The NFL is having their ritualistic owners meetings this week in New Orleans. I heard they wanted to have it in Dallas, but Jerry Jones oversold the number of seats for the owners. *rim shot* Among the neverending boring self indulgent bullshit that will be the labor discussions going on, the NFL is also apparently proposing three new rule changes for the upcoming year, assuming there of course IS an upcoming year:
“Largely because of growing injury concerns, a kickoff would be moved from the 30-yard line to the 35; only the kicker would be able to line up more than 5 yards from the ball; touchbacks would place the ball on the 25 instead of the 20; and the wedge block, including the two-man wedge, would be eliminated.
Another proposal calls for instant-replay reviews on all scoring plays instead of just on challenges. That is currently only true in regulation for replays in the final 2 minutes of each half. If the rule passes, the plan is to get rid of the third challenge for coaches.
A third alteration would rewrite the defenseless-player rule and in part expand the protection given to a receiver until that player can protect himself or clearly becomes a runner — a result of the NFL’s desire to eliminate defenders from launching themselves at receivers.”
These rules are complete bullshit, largely because they don’t help the Vikings win football games at all. Instead, here are my proposed NFL rules for these money whores to discuss this week:
1.How about instead of just moving a touchback up, you allow the Vikings to have 11 guys on the field and only the opposing teams kicker. I think even our retarded second stringers could handle blocking him to prevent a tackle while Percy Harvin, or for that matter even fetus head Toby Gerhart, could run kickoffs back. I mean, I wouldn’t worry about it. The opposing team could still kick the ball out of bounds for a penalty after every time they score on us, and we’d still probably lose, so I think this is a fair rule.
2. We could implement a rule stating that no one is allowed to speed rush our tackles to the outside, at least until we have legitimate NFL caliber tackles on the offensive line who don’t get all weepy vagina when they actually have to compete. The defensive player instead has to just hand check the tackles and play patty cake while the play develops beyond their scope of action.
3. When playing the Vikings, no cornerback is allowed within five yards of our receivers to increase the chances of any of our quarterbacks completing a pass. I think this is pretty fair, considering the quarterbacks on our roster would still over or under throw their targets by five yards. It might actually help the other team. However, this is like setting the slider settings on Madden to a level where you can actually complete a pass, so I think that’s fair too.
4. I would also love to see a rule that any draft pick from the Childress/Spielman era can be cut without a cap hit. This would lighten our roster of shitty players while simultaneously acknowledging across the entire NFL that the Childress era in Minnesota was an unmitigated disaster.
5. If anyone touches Purple Jesus, they lose a fucking hand.
6. JA has to get a divorce and grow his mullet back out, or he’s indefinitely suspended by the league for personal conduct violations.
7. If any Vikings player gets near the goal line, like a couple feet, or has one hand even touching the football while falling out of the back of the endzone, yeah, that’s a gimme-score. You guys can have it. That’d be a sweet rule.
8. If the other team refuses to bring their cheerleaders for a strip show at halftime in our stadium, they forfeit the game. Hey, we either are gauranteed tits or six wins. I’ll take either.
Leave your suggestions in the comments, and be sure to roll your eyes heavily at how much you probably hate the NFL owners and NFL in general this week during these meetings.
Largely because of growing injury concerns, a kickoff would be moved from the 30-yard line to the 35; only the kicker would be able to line up more than 5 yards from the ball; touchbacks would place the ball on the 25 instead of the 20; and the wedge block, including the two-man wedge, would be eliminated.
Another proposal calls for instant-replay reviews on all scoring plays instead of just on challenges. That is currently only true in regulation for replays in the final 2 minutes of each half. If the rule passes, the plan is to get rid of the third challenge for coaches.
A third alteration would rewrite the defenseless-player rule and in part expand the protection given to a receiver until that player can protect himself or clearly becomes a runner — a result of the NFL’s desire to eliminate defenders from launching themselves at receivers.
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