In just three and a half short weeks, jolly and verbose fat man Pat Williams went from being 50-50 as to whether he would play football again in 2010 to 100% ready to being in a Minnesota Vikings uniform for the next season. Three and a half short weeks. YOU HEAR ME, LAND BARON, YOU SELF WHORING CUM RAG??!! MAKE UP YOUR SENILE FUCKING FACE ALREADY!!
This is great news for several reasons. First, I don’t like change, so watching a fleet footed 37 year old black Kevin Smith run around and crush skulls for another season staves off my fear of things be different and weird. As an aside, you may as well slit my throat when I turn 65, because 3D video games and virtual sex are going to stop my heart anyway. Secondly, it keeps the interior of a still fan-fucking-tastic defense together for one more year in case, you know, that gray haired anus fister decides he wants to come back for another go around and wrecking my entire life. Sounds grand.
But why did Pat Williams decide to come back for another season? Let’s go straight to the horse’s mouth and find out:
“It wuz some fine easy decision when ah’ sat waaay down t’dink about wheda’ o’ not ah’ wants’ed t’come back and play fo’ de Minnesota Vikin’s o’ not. Man! ah’ gave mah’self about some week o’ so’s to waaay coo’ waaay down afta’ dat loss t’de Saints. You’s see, de problem wuz dat it left some real baaaad taste in mah’ moud, likes ah’ had plum tongued da damn vagina uh a zombie Madame Curie. ah’ couldn’t retire wid dat taste in mah’ moud. ah’ would rada’ have sucked da damn farts out uh Ellen Degeneres’ asshole dan retire wid dat loss on mah’ gut, so’s I said fuck dis, I’m comin’ back. Ya’ know? I’m still betta’ dan every oda’ fat joker out on de field and would hate t’have dat little cock suckin’ Aaron Rodgers dink he kin fo’get about me. So’s I called mah’ agent on mah’ hamburga’ phone today and said, dammit, ah’ am goin’ back in and ya’ kin’t stop me! Right on! He said he dun didn’t cut a shit cuz’ dat meant mo’e bre’d fo’ him. WORD! Whutever. Ah be baaad… De point here be dat I’ll be some Vikin’ again in 2010 and I’m goin’ t’finish wid some metallic tin’e in mah’ moud afta’ I try t’bite da damn Lombardi Trophy when ah’ dink it’s wrapped in foil likes dose tasty Hershey Kisses.
“Oh, and Favre said he’s comin’ back, so’s I said sho’ man, whut de hell, me too. ‘S coo’, bro. Did any sucka tell de news dat yet?”
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