When the Vikings played Green Bay at Lambeau Field this past Sunday, the original plan was to have Vikings rookie receiver/kick returner Percy Harvin mic’d up for live audio. While he was outfitted with the wires, the FCC’s required five second delay was thankfully used when the audio from Percy was sent live to the editing room and the broadcast nixed their plan for Harvin. PJD, however, was lucky enough to obtain a copy of the receiver’s audio and transcribed several of the recordings for our readers …
“Alright Percy, this is kind of a big deal here. I, uh, wasn’t feeling too good all week long, no sir, and uh, didn’t know how I was going to feel coming out to play this game today, but here I am, ready to take my first offensive snap in, uh, the Packer’s Stadium, Mr. Lambeau. This is pretty exciting and everything, I just know that I have to do what the coaches have always,uh, told me and I should be ok. Just catch the ball from the quarterback, Percy and … OH SHIT MR. FAVE IS SNAPPING IT!”
Percy runs a pattern to the right and catches a three yard pass before being tackled by Atari Bigby.
“FUCKING YES THAT WAS AWESOME STAY THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU GREEN SUITED COCK FACE BIGBY I WILL EAT YOUR GOD DAMN SOUL IF YOU TRY TO TACKLE ME AGAIN I SWEAR TO PURPLE JESUS YOU ASSLESS SON OF A BITCH GIVE ME MY YARDS!”
“Ok, that was, uh, great. What’s next?”
After a field goal from Green Bay early in the game, Percy finds himself sitting back along the Vikings goal line waiting for the ensuing kick off …
“Uh, yeah, that was too bad about that botched snap, sirs. I really thought that Mr. Favre and Mr. Jesus were going to get this offense into a real, uh, solid groove and lead us down the field so we could take the, uh, lead on these Mr. Packer folk. You know, they sure do seem like a passionate bunch in this area here, really sending down some intense, uh, boo birds. Probably because of Mr. Favre, right? Oop. Here comes the kick off, I think I should probably get ready to return this.”
Percy handles the ball cleanly and begins up the field when he notices a hole to cut through and breaks through the first wave of defenders.
“Hm. Look at that. You know, it’s times like this when I really feel positive that I can compete at a professional level after I, uh, cleanly hit the hole and then JUST BURN THESE STUPID FUCKING PACKERS IN MY TRACKS YOU CAN’T CATCH ME AND YOU CUNT CLOWNS KNOW IT I WILL RUN THIS BALL DOWN YOUR GOD DAMN THROAT ALL DAY LONG IF BRETT CAN’T HANDLE A GOD DAMNED SNAP AND HAS TO FUMBLE THEN I WILL JUST BE THE OFFENSE IN THIS GAME IT’LL BE PERCY VERSUS GREEN BAY YOU TAMPON JUGGLERS I HOPE YOU ALL DIE AAAARRGGH GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME LET ME RUN INTO THE FUCKING ENDZONE DAMN YOU 14 YARD LINE I WILL FUCKING PUNCH YOU IN THE NECK IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!!
“Hey, that was a, uh, pretty nice return there! You know, it’s just the least I can do for my, uh, team, the Minnesota Vikings. I’m just glad to be able to contribute in any way I can, even if it is on special teams. I’m just a, uh, team player as Mr. Coach is always looking for. That’s me, you know, Mr. Harvin.”
At the start of the third quarter, Harvin once again finds himself in a critical position …
“Boy, this game has been just a, uh, blast so far! I’m real excited that we’re up over the Mr. Packers this late in the game. My entire pro career so far has been a real, uh, great time, with intense nail biter games like this, amazing wins, and fantastic opportunities presented to me. I really couldn’t ask for, uh, more, except maybe my health. But no time for that, it looks like Mr. Favre is snapping the ball. Better run my pattern, like I know I can do … I’ll just make a quick, uh, cut here and then streak down the middle of the field to draw away a defender for an underneath route and … Oh dang, Mr. Favre is tossing that ball to me while I’ve been trying to draw coverage. Now I’m triple covered! Shoot. Well, let’s see if we can just leap and grab this here ball and …
“OH FUCK YEAH YOU STUPID BASTARD PRICKS YOU CALL THAT DEFENSE HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HOW ALL THREE OF YOU PLAYED THE STOOGE AND JUST BOWLED EACH OTHER OVER YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING IDIOT SAVANTS AND NOW I AM GOING TO USE MY FANTASTIC ATHLETIC SKILLS AND HOUSE THIS MOTHER FUCKER AND WATCH AS YOU COCK CANCERS LIMP AFTER MY FIRE BURNING FEET AS I BLAST THROUGH YOUR FOOTBALL PLACENTA AND TROT INTO THE END ZONE SCREAMING BLOODY ABORTED MURDER ALL OVER YOUR STUPID FUCKING FOOTBALL FIELD GGGAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!
“Wow, that quite a good touchdown. I am so, uh, glad that I am playing on this team and not that green and gold one! What a year we are having!”
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