Because it is, indeed, broken.
And everybody’s well aware. Gone is the time of a Jack Youngblood playing in the Pro Bowl with a broken leg. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that a sore throat kept somebody from making the trip to Hawaii nowadays.
And no, of course I wouldn’t look down on that. Why risk your multi-million dollar and incredibly fun career for a meaningless game?
I’ve seen a couple decent Pro Bowl fixes, but nothing that really gets me excited. Which, is the main reason the game sucks:
It’s not exciting.
So why, exactly, isn’t it exciting?
The reason isn’t because the plays are lame. There’s usually a cool trick play or semi-weirdness that appears every drive. Things we wouldn’t normally see in an actual game. But none of us really care. If Troy Polamalu shampoos his hair when the NFC is in the red zone or if Brady texts Giselle a grocery list mid-throw, I could really care less.
And why?
Because nothing meaningful is on the line. There’s no want to win. Excitement is bread from drama is bread from potential negative consequences.
Would Evil Knievel’s stunts have been half as cool if when he launched his bike off into the atmosphere and fell short into the cavernous canyon, it lead to him just getting up and taking a cab home?
Sure, it’d be cool that he could hit the ground and not hurt himself, but in the end, who really cares? I want Evil’s death-defying tricks to actually defy death.
If Romeo was wooing Juliet, and Juliet’s parents were like “Yeah, sure Romeo. You’re a product of our most hated rivalry, but you can totally date our daughter. Have her home by midnight? Nah, it’s cool man. Whatever. Yeah, take the Horse and Buggy Benz too.”
C’mon. Nobody would read that. Shakespeare’s name would deflate the day he died like every other mortal.
When nothing’s on the line, no one cares. So let’s put something on the line.
How about… money?
Nah. There really isn’t much of a Pro Bowl fund and money only makes people try so hard. Most of these guys make millions, especially considering these are the top athletes in the league. As is, each Pro Bowl winner gets around fifty grand and the losers takes home about twenty. Many of these top tier athletes are making over $500,000 every Sunday. That kind of dough just doesn’t exist for this mess of a game.
How about… some sort of AFC/NFC Super Bowl home field advantage deal like baseball?
Not happening. It’s kinda lame that baseball hinges its World Series home field advantage on a game where back-up all-stars, most of which won’t even have a crack at the playoffs, aren’t really trying.
Plus, we’d have to move it to the middle of the season, and cities claw over hosting the Super Bowl years in advance. 2015 is already set for Arizona.
Oh, and cue video of “Hi, I’m Jim Nantz, and welcome to Buffalo for Super Bowl fort…” Right… this doesn’t really work.
How about… a kickball-esque captains-picking-teams deal?
Could be an alright gimmick for a while, but it still doesn’t put anything on the line. So some right guard gets picked last. Big deal. It’s not like he’s gonna take over the game in a “you picked me last, so time to exalt my revenge on your ass” way like someone could in hockey or basketball or even baseball.
Something really needs to be on the line. Something has to get the players to think “Man, I better get up for this game, or XYZ is going to happen to me, and I’m not cool with that.”
How about… humiliation?
A little humble sauce to the highest paid people on the planet could be good for the sport.
So I present to you…
The Breast Cancer Awareness Pro Bowl! Loser wears pink the following year!
Pink helmets. Pink jerseys. Pink shoes, gloves, pants. Pink socks with little fringes at the top. Pink EVERYTHING.
No piece of their attire is allowed to even resemble another color besides pink.
How would this not be awesome?
And how would the players not agree to this? It’s the Breast Cancer Awareness Pro Bowl!
“Man, I’m not doing that. I’m not wearing pink.”
“What? You don’t want to cure breast cancer? You like cancer?”
What kind of a**$%#@ turns that idea down?
And how hilarious would it be to see a 323-lb Vince Wilfork rocking a pink jersey and fringy socks? His watermelon gut cliffhanging out over skin tight pink pants?
And how would both teams not do almost anything to win this game? No guy wants to get caught dead wearing these pinks jerseys. Whenever I see a lady (never seen a guy) rocking a pink jersey, I automatically think “Yup, she knows nothing about sports.”
Is that hypocritical? Definitely. But it’s always the first thing that pops into my head.
Put that on the line… forcing them to wear the official jersey of the uncultured fan… and these guys will make a game out of this lame event.
Even the coaching staff would have to wear pink. The whole sideline, drenched in pinkness, head to toe.
Tell me you wouldn’t watch this, if even for a quarter. What if the game’s close? How cool would is be to see a pinked-out Michael Vick scrambling through a sea of backers and linemen hungry to destroy any potential he has to wear his Eagle Green at next year’s game?
Women would love it too, because the game would benefit an awesome cause. They’d be giggling along with their male counterparts. Kids would snicker as well. And in a brings-the-players-closer-to-our-level way, it humbles the stars we all feel are a little too ego-heavy as is.
This can’t lose.
You could move the game around from city to city too, and allow only underprivileged kids into the game. Kids who would never be able to set foot inside an NFL stadium as life currently stands. They’d go wild. They’d bring hellacious noise. They’d have the time of their lives. They’d heckle the s$&% out of the pink squad.
THIS would make the Pro Bowl fun and genuine and interesting and the stadium wouldn’t be filled with the not-interested-in-rowdiness crowd, who leaves early or cares more about sunbathing than football anyway.
Dear Pro Bowl,
Pink and charity and kids and awesome. Do this.
Sincerely,
Everybody
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