With the 2010 free agency period producing nothing but blue balls, it is officially time to move on to arousing ourselves with the 2010 NFL Draft. Like last year, PJD is going to highlight several draft prospects that the pundits have projected to fall to the Vikings or that the team has expressed interest in. So from now until draft time, keep checking back to get information on your favorite draft picks as PJD breaks new ground (not really) as we start fantasizing over young men who have recently run around in tight shor … Wait, no, nevermind. Today, we look at Idaho guard Mike Iupati.
Name: Mike Iupati
Position: Offensive guard
Known (and unknown) measurables: Six feet, five inches and 331 pounds, Iupato is a bigger girl than the woman you brought home from that Wisconsin bar last weekend by about 21 pounds. Of course, that girl was also FIVE feet, five inches, and she didn’t quite “wear it” as well as Iupati probably does, so that’s unfortunate.
Reminds me of …: David Dixon. Doesn’t he? Maybe it’s just because Dixon is the only guard I can ever remember (outside of Grizzly Adams Hutchinson, of course) but also because they look like they’re both of Pacific Island decent, even though Iupati’s Wikipedia page CLEARLY states that he is American Samoan. Do a lot of these guys end up in Idaho? Why? I mean, if you’re going to be born and raised some place like American Samoa (which apparently isn’t just Hawaii, but like, off of Australia or something?) why would you just end up in Idaho? Do you suck? At least go to Arizona, or some shitty California school like UC Santa Barbara or San Diego State. Chicks are smokin’ down there. Idaho? Fucking Unibombers live there. Not cool.
Also, his name Iupati makes me want to say “potty” at the end every time, so I’m thinking of me and someone peeing together. “I? You? Potty?” Ok, I’m sold.
Fabricated story: I once heard that while Iupati was growing up in American Samoa he chased a wild boar to the edge of the island cliffs before the boar dove like a majestic bird into the air, prepared to end it’s own life before the eight year old, then five foot five, 200 pound Iupati could feast on it’s warm flesh. However, Iupati jumped after him and they spun together down into the waters like Gandalf and the Balrog (nerdgasm) before making a huge splash in the water. It turns out though that Iupati wasn’t going to eat the wild boar, he was just returning it’s wallet that he had left at Iupati’s grandmother’s café down the road.
Stupid animal.
Why the Vikings? Because the Vikings running game sucked donkey dick last year and this is what CBS Sports had to say about his run blocking skills, and no, I didn’t add all of the sexual innuendoes, but holy bejeezus there are a lot of them:
Run Blocking: Can dominate as a run blocker due to his mass and rare upper-body strength. Provides an explosive initial pop that often knocks the defender back. Has to do a better job of latching on, as he’ll knock his opponent back only to see him regroup and get back into the play. Very good drive blocker when he plays with leverage and keeps his hands inside. Can physically remove the defender from the hole. Looks to eliminate more than one defender on the play and will release to the second level. Good effort downfield.
“Can physically remove the defender from the hole” gets me every time. Anyway, an upgrade in the running game would make my dick hard, so sure, he sounds like a great draft pick.
Who he’ll like on the team: Clearly, Naufahu Tahi. Is Tahi American Samoan? I don’t know, but he totally could be, right?
But really, are the Vikings drafting him or at least could they? I dunno. This obviously reputable website says that there is an eight percent chance that the Vikings land him, with his average draft selection slot being number 26. That’s only …. *counts silently to self … on toes* …. Four off from when the Vikings select! So, sure, weirder shit has happened, but maybe he’ll be selected. Again, if he helps the running game then let’s do this shit.
Do you want to see an AMERICAN SAMOAN NOT NAMED TAHI in purple? Leave your opinions in the comments!
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