Here’s all the big news for the Vikings to read during boring ass Twins games this weekend …
Childress went to ball wash Tebow: Well, from the poll on the side of the web site here it looks like several of you voters are hoping that the Vikings draft a quarterback this year. Between the two options, people seem to like Jimmy Clausen over Tim Tebow, but the fact that so many of you like Tim Tebow as a quarterback makes me want to nuke humanity. However, since I lack plutonium, you’re all in luck because Childress will be going to gaze longingly at Tebow this weekend a bit more. Is this an indication that the Vikings really like Tebow or some elaborate smoke screen? Who knows, but I’m sure people will make an argument for both causes. I hope it’s just a smoke screen though. The Vikings have already given the nation years of reasons to hate our team after we brought Favre back, and if we ended up with Tebow for a decade? Pff. Shit. Even I’LL hate this team. Also, he kind of looks like a dinosaur I think. Anyone ever notice that?
Bryant McKinnie is delusional: If you are one of those cool kids on Twitter these days (I AM!) and happen to follow Chip Scoggins from the Star Tribune’s Access Vikings, then you also saw his recap of Bryant McKinnie’s live chat on NFL.com where he said some interesting things, like how he is excited to face Julius Peppers twice a year. And … that silence you hear is every Vikings fan jaw dropping. Fuck. That. Bryant. You got absolutely handed last year (he conveniently blames this on his injuries) and the thought of you facing Peppers twice makes my anus turn inside out. Not impressed, dick. Also, McKinnie mentioned that safety was the team’s biggest draft need and that he thought Favre would be coming back, but I’m still so confused about his comments to Peppers I have barely had time to register either of those comments.
Erin Henderson starts blogging: Erin Hendeson, the brother of gimpy EJ and occasionally seen Vikings linebacker, recently started blogging as well. If you haven’t read his first post at this Player Press site, go do so. It’s actually kind of interesting as it takes you into the mind of a player on draft day. He calls it humbling, which as a fan I like to here. I mean, he’ll still make more money in his life than I ever will and I feel like it’s easier to relate to some guy that is just happy to be where he’s at than someone like … Michael Crabtree? … that feels like he’s deserving of everything he gets. Fuck you, Crabtree, you douche. Also, I kind of believe that Erin wrote this instead of an agent, unlike that TarVar blog, which you know was written by gerbils.
Stadium news: There is a contingency of people that seem to have started thinking over the last week or so that there will be some significant movement made on a new Vikings stadium. I haven’t really been paying that much attention but it’s something about getting it through the legislation, signing off on a bill, having Obama give us some money with his OVERPOWERING FASCIST GOVERNMENT, and TPaw not being a dick face for once. I don’t know, whatever. My problem with the stadium talk is proponents of a stadium keep touting the economic benefits of having one when every single piece of research out there says otherwise. I’ve actually done several research projects on publicly funded stadiums so don’t FUCK WITH ME on this topic. It makes zero sense. Look at the Metrodome site, the Saint Louis Cardinals ball parks, and anything in Indianapolis. Look at Target Field. That side of Minneapolis is a hell hole. Let’s just admit this, but move on and build the fucking thing anyway without any lying. Just say “we want it built because we want the Vikings to stay here and make money” not “we want this built because it’ll totally pull the state out of its recession, bro!” Jesus.
Quarterback news no one wants to hear: I think it was Charley Walters talking like a sorority girl when he said the Vikings may want to look at trading for Matt Hasselbeck if Favre does decide to retire. First, fuck you Charley Walters, you write like a drunken mule and have worse takes than the smartest person in Rube Chat. Second, your face looks like your have downs. And thirds, I hope Najeh Devenport poops in your closet. And Hasselbeck? You keep you and your crazy bitch wife out of my state.
Jasper Brinkley? Forgot about him: Jasper Brinkley had a nice little article with his former school, THE GAME COCKS, talking about his experience with the Vikings. Kind of neat. I hadn’t seen this anywhere else so I thought I would share. I AM SO NICE.
Open auditions for Vikings cheerleaders! The Minnesota Vikings cheerleaders are apparently holding open tryouts this weekend for anyone interested. Two things here. First, if you’re going, even just to watch and masturbate in the corner, bring a camera and take some photos for us. Second, who goes to these things? I ask that genuinely as well. The whole cheerleading for a professional sport things interests me. I had a girl in one of my college classes that danced with the Timberpups and it blew my mind. “Wait, you’re real? Like you do real things like go to school and poop?!? BUT HOW?!!” Again, I’d still love to do a cheerleader interview where I’m not a total dickhead with the questions I ask, so if anyone has any leads, help us out here. Serious. It would be fun.
Enjoy the weekend. I’ll be cheering for Tiger to rape the Master’s field on Sunday and watching the Twins continue to lead the AL in home runs. Weird, right? Enjoy the weather.
Oh, PS: I am going to make an official request later, but I wanted to throw this out now in case anyone was able to get to the bottom of this mess of a post. If you’ve been reading for a while, I do have a wedding coming up soon where I will probably not be posting during the day and on the honeymoon. Shocking, I know. What I would LIKE to do though is have guest posts from the readers, YOU!, where you share with me and everyone else a story about being a Vikings fan. Seriously, it can be anything you want, even if it’s tangentially related through the Twins or Gophers or something. Got wasted at a game once? Ran into Adrian Peterson one time? Killed a Packer fan? Got a blow job during a playoff game? Where were you during the Saints game? How many things did you break? What was your first Vikings clothing item? Are you dating a fan of another team? Do you hate the Vikings? Why? Seriously, anything and everything I would love to hear. Send them this way. I need at least, like, six, so if you have more than one story, I’d love to take them both. Thanks for being awesome.
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