Fridays during the offseason we try to bring you the biggest, hardest, deepest and best Vikings story lines from the week that wasn’t and wrap them all up in a sexy, overwhelming post that is assured to moisten your boxer briefs, if you’re wearing them. Get yourself prepped for the weekend as you find out what’s happening in Vikings land …
Cool! We can talk about Brett Favre some more! I was having a nice little morning today. Got to sit around in my pajamas for a little bit with the taste of scotch still lingering on my tongue and echoing in my forehead. I was nursing a piping cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee with my feet up on the coffee table, watching some sporting highlights on my ESPN, when I saw a breaking news banner start scrolling along the bottom screen. Paraphrasing, it said something like “Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has consulted noted surgeon Dr. Andrews and confirmed that he must have surgery on his injured left ankle if he wants to play football in 2010, or RETIRE.” It was very ominous and appeared to be all or nothing! It was a clear choice. Favre, who is notoriously hesitant to go under the knife for any type of surgery, MUST do so, or he CANNOT play football in 2010. That’s it. Clear cut and dry. My morning perked up a bit, as this was a significant piece of new that related to my football team of interest. However, at the end of the scrolling report was a note that said something along the lines of “… as reported by ESPN’s Ed Werder”. ………… Oh. Well fuck this.
Somehow, Ed Werder still has a fucking job: Ed Werder is reporting Brett Favre news again? During the NFL offseason? A guy that has such an amazing track record of reporting the most solid of stories about this individual? Fuck. Off. Fuck you with a slivered broom stick, Ed Werder, you are the god damn worst. Let’s get this straight. I hate ESPN. I really do. It’s sensationalist bullshit sports news where everyone walks around with smug face. The old anchors get by without doing any work at all anymore on actually reporting news or providing analysis, and the newer anchors are so cock hard to try and become a cool kid in town that they try way too fucking hard to be kitchy and instead are just annoying. However, they have the market cornered fairly well. Whatever. But out of all the “personalities” that are on that channel, Ed Werder has to be the god damn worst. His gay little mustache and wispy balding hair makes me want to kidney punch him. He looks like a hard on is luck insurance salesman, and also, like Reno 9-1-1 cop Jim Dangle (go buy the shirt!) I would actually take analysis from Matt Millen before I believed a single thing Werder has to say, ever. And that, my friends, is a bold fucking statement. And why would I say this?
Turns out this is all bullshit, as anyone could have guessed: Because nothing that was originally reported as “breaking news” on ESPN this morning turned out to be true. Werder reported this all and probably exaggerated or speculated that surgery was all or nothing, and then laid this ultimatum out to ESPN. They ran with it, because they’re fucking retarded, and then Favre came out and absolutely BOXED Ed Werder on his website saying that the injury wasn’t anything more than what he’s already played through a million times before during his football career. Translation? My fucking ankle hurts, it’s annoying, but it matters absolutely zero. I FUCKING GOT YOU ED WERDER, YOU COCK, I GOT YOU! I hate Brett Favre. I’ve made that quite clear. But by god, did he just move Ed Werder one step closer to the unemployment line today with this 180? It’s almost amazing. Even Childress came out and said that none of this was news and that it wasn’t a big deal. Awesome. Werder couldn’t look anymore like a cock sucking Broadway star if he starred in Rent. Go to hell, ass clown.
Rookie mini camp is this weekend: With all that (non)news being reported, we can touch on something else that doesn’t really matter that much either. The Vikings have brought in a shi-ton of rookies for their weekend minicamp. These include the notable (and disappointing) draft picks that they made over last weekend, including Chris Cook, White Lightning, Everson Griffen, Nate Triplett and … that D’Impala guy or something. He’s got to be Italian, right? Pasta and all that stuff? Maybe gay mafia? Whatever. They also have a bunch of undrafted free agents and try-out only invites rolling through. Players of note attending this weekend include … uh … absolutely no one. Well, ok, the only person anyone will care about is former fuckup LSU quarterback, Ryan Perrilloux.
The Perrilloux quandary: Perrilloux is an interesting prospect. He was former the second highest rated human being going into college during the Mark “Dirty” Sanchez recruiting years. He attended LSU and was scheduled to start after cock flop Jamarcus Russell got drafted, but due to immaturity and a just-made-up sexual tryst with Les Miles, Perrilloux was kicked off the team and ended up transferring to Southern Jacksonville Buttfuck Middle of Nowhere Community College with a Certification in You Didn’t Try Very Hard Ed. Note – may not be accurate). Word is he finished things up pretty well there. He entered the 2010 draft but was unselected and ended up being an invite by the Vikings for their rookie minicamp. He enters with lots of speculation around him. Has he grown up into his adult pants yet? Has he stopped doing blow off hooker tits and decided he wants to play football again? The kid still allegedly has one of the best arms ever seen and it was noted this week that he is in cahoots with Brett Favre recently, since both Perrilloux and Favre have the same agent in Bus Cook. I think the question on everyone’s mind is, could this actually work out? Could an undrafted free agent actually make the squad and become the franchise QB the Vikings have always wanted? Of course not. Come on, it’s not going to happen. But it makes for an interesting story, especially when Judd Zulgad from the Tribune keeps Tweeting updates that Perrilloux looks impressive both in arm strength and his passing accuracy.
Stadium drive continues: I haven’t paid much attention to the stadium drive because I’m otherworldly lazy, but I suppose I should start, because it does sound like things are heating up on that front. Now, I don’t know much about “politics” or “posturing” or “appropriate legal speak that doesn’t include words like cunt”, but with a few more weeks left in the legislative session, it sounds like there will be a serious introduction of a Vikings stadium proposal. If you search the newspaper articles recently you’ll get better information than what I care to give you, but from everything I understand the politicians and stadium supporters are really pushing a bill where anyone who supports the Vikings otherwise (jersey sales, license plates, dining out around the stadium, etc.) would pay an additional tax on these items to pay for the stadium. I don’t see why you wouldn’t approve something like this. It essentially says, “Hey, if you want it, buy it” without making any of the pussy farting liberals whine about how government money isn’t going to public schools that should be paying for new text books that stop calling African American’s “Black guys”. Noble cause, but that government money isn’t going to a stadium with that proposal, so what’s the issue? Get it done already, if for no other reason than I’m just god damn sick of hearing about this. If you want to know more, real, stuff, go check out Minnesota Momentum, which I’m pretty sure is about the stadium drive and not about a state wide gang bang.
New Vikings Cheerleaders: The worst part about this recent Favre news is that it takes away from the most important recent Vikings news. Yes, finally, for 2010, the new 2010 Minnesota Vikings Cheerleaders have been announced. Are any of them attractive? ….. yes? You’ll have to look for yourself. I’d guess their not ugly, but … well, I can’t get aroused by anything anymore unless it’s ball gagged and covered in oatmeal. That’s just me though. Also, I can’t really tell who is new and who is a veteran anymore, but look through, and if you see anyone on there you know, have them email us here so that we can finally get that elusive Cheerleader interview taken care of. Jesus, that has been the longest endeavor ever.
Quick note linkstasies:
– Everyone and their mom has seen the video of Vikings draft pick Joe Webb jumping over a six foot high wall of foam or something, but if you haven’t, it’s still pretty impressive. I saw it first from Michael Rand over at the Tribune, so go there and watch it.
– Like many other people, I am upset that the offensive line wasn’t more directly addressed in this draft. IDIOTS! However, Mike Wobeschall, who’s last name I assuredly spelled wrong, wrote a bit on how young the Vikings offensive line depth is, and how fans should have patience. Obviously, he’s being paid off.
– In relation to this, there are some rumors going around that the Vikings would have been interested in drafting Roger Saffold, former Indiana offensive tackle if he would have been available. He went to the Rams instead, on pick before the Vikings in the second round, and had me shaking my fists quite vigorously.
– I don’t know who this Lions player is, or why he thinks he’s going to make a bloody mess on the football field this year, but here is a video of him wearing his helmet in a convenience store to buy tampons in order to sop up the blood after he gets Sid Vicious in 2009. It’s funny, because it’s a Lions player.
– Scout.com is funny in that they think you should pay for information. It’s funnier when someone who actually did posts their “premium content” article on the web for everyone to see. If you go to the Rube Chat message boards you’ll find a full article on Ryan Perrilloux again, which actually goes more in depth on his strengths, weaknesses, and talent from people who have scouted him. Surprisingly, no one says he’s had a history of incest. I thought they all did in the south. Color me surprised.
– Finally, I don’t know if it’s out right now or not, but coming soon is a video game on your XBOX Live (If you’re a retard) or Playstation Network (If your balls are huge) called Tecmo Bowl Throwback. Yes, Tecmo Bowl. It’s going to be awesome. You probably remember this game if you’re older than 19, which most of this readership may not be. However, it is still highly recommend. Either way, I have included a video below where there are two guys reviewing the game by switching graphics or something. I wasn’t really paying attention, but they do may blow job jokes, which are funny. Check it out. And while we’re speaking about video games, go check out reader Matty’s video game blog which by all accounts is acceptable over at defconawesome.com. Good stuff.
Enjoy the weekend. It should be nice out, so I probably just wrote way too much for anyone to read. Maybe you’ll check it out on Sunday on your smart phone in church? HIGH FIVE!
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