Sweet Jesus, it’s finally over: We’ve all seen Die Hard, right? Both the first and second movies at least? Don’t get me wrong, Die Hard with a Vengeance is maybe my favorite, but it’s got a different feel to it because of the wifey issues. It could just as easily be a generic buddy cop movie. Anyway, you know how at the end of both movies after John McClane yells out “Yippee kai yay, Mother Fucker” and kills the bad guys, he rolls around exhausted, delusional, and emotionally drained now that his mind fucking is all over? That’s pretty much how I feel now that the final game of the past two years is over with. Especially the emotionally drained part. Well, no. I mean, I’m equally tired, but that’s because it was just a long weekend and I drank a lot and then didn’t get a lot of sleep. That’s kind of the same as getting shot at and blowing up a plane like McClane, right? Or playing one season and getting a stupid INT away from a Super Bowl only to come back and win six measly games? Because I feel just as exhausted as any of the Vikings players this year, ESPECIALLY Brett Favre. My fandom has been much more tiring than his twenty years in the NFL. I mean, he didn’t even have to play on Sunday against the Lions when the Vikings played like flaccid old man balls. I had to watch that whole shit and NOT make a million dollars in the day! Who do you think suffered more? Yeah, I did.
Good riddance, to all of it. Favre, Childress, the Metrodome, this shitty schedule, the drama, and Randy Moss. Yeah, fuck you too Randy Moss, you ruined this year as much as the next guy. And by the next guy I actually only mean Bryant McKinnie. Well, him or …
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: One of the major downfalls of the Vikings on 2010 (outside of Old Gray Balls coming back to play) was the mismanagement and injuries that happened to the defensive backs. I’ve pretty much forgotten that the Vikings even drafted Chris Cook last year, but his broken grandpa knees didn’t help his case at all this year. Cedric Griffin made a remarkable comeback towards the start of the season, but unbelievably tore his other ACL early, leaving a group of cornerbacks that just lost Benny Sapp to the Dolphins in a trade with Asher Allen and Lito Sheppard as your options to start. Well … we all saw how that went, and things got so bad that it was decided at some point, like, three fourths of the way through the season to yank Frank Walker off the streets to play some cornerback as well. Well holy shit, I haven’t hated a cornerback so much since Fred Smoot and Karl Paymah combined. The hilarious part about Frank Walker was right before the game, someone somewhere that I wasn’t paying enough attention to made the comment that Sunday was a big day for Walker, as he was going to get the start with Asher Allen being out. Time to put some game on tape, young man, and build that resume for next year! … Holy walrus. Who is going to hire this asshole after today’s game? He looked like a lost puppy out there. In fairness, Nate Burleson is apparently Jerry Rice now, so it’s probably hard to cover him, and Walker DID get called for a bullshit pass interference penalty that should have been an offensive one, but still. At least he’s got a pretty awesome looking beard and has been noticeably cool on his Twitter account, balking at the idea of jackets and sleeves in this seasons cold weather games. I can at least respect that, if not his actual game play, and stuff.
Is Fraizer a good hire? Reports started spreading mid-game that the Vikings had agreed to hire Leslie Frazier on a permanent basis as the Vikings head coach, announced once the NFL season had officially finished. I heard it was a three year deal somewhere, which I think is a shrewd, smart, business move. Good for the Wilf’s, in that regard. Although I wish news like this would have waited until after the game, because now all I can think is that Frazier was like one of those NBA players that got a pay day and then checked out for the next four years, because the game against the Lions didn’t do a whole lot to instill confidence in me over Frazier. I’m still trying to decide if I think this is a good hire or not, if it all holds up. I’d like to say yes? But I think I want to say yes because I want this defensive coordinator who is taking over to actually just be Mike Tomlin, and no, no that’s just not the case. However, I’m also quick to forget (like I’m guessing most people have) that Frazier put together several seasons of amazing defensive play in Minnesota which I don’t know if I have ever even seen in my lifetime. I think he gets credit for that, and when looking at his average ability as a coach, I think we could probably see the Vikings revert to form when we don’t have a rash of injuries and idiotic attention whores playing quarterback. I’m also on board with Frazier’s cool cucumber attitude and his straight shooting with the media and coaches. It’s pretty refreshing after Childress’ butthole attitude. I’d almost hire him just for that. In the end, I think it’s a fine hire, I hope he makes some additional changes to the offensive scheme (no more zone blocking, pl0x?!), and think that a three year contract is just the right amount. NOW FUCKING WIN GAMES, GOOD SIR.
Your 2011 draft pick update: A Vikings loss on Sunday was OK news by me, because it means we get to keep a better looking draft pick. I REALLY think we screwed up last week against the Eagles with that win, because it both gave us a win and made people think Joe Webb was THE future at QB. Well, Webb reverted to form, the Vikings lost, and we can all get giddy about draft picks again. Here’s where we sit at now:
1. Panthers
2. Broncos
3. Bills
4. Bengals
5. Cardinals
6. Browns
7. Forty-Niners
8. Titans
9. Cowboys
10. Redskins
11. Texans
12. Vikings
Well, shit. That only moved us up maybe one spot from last week. On top of that, we now probably have more questions than answers on this roster since last week, too. I don’t off the top of my head have the full list of Vikings upcoming Free Agents, but I know they include Ray Edwards, Greenway, Rice, and Leber. I originally thought the team would push hard to sign Rice and Greenway, but I’m thinking with Childress gone they make a strong push for Ray Ray as well. That means the other big positions I see them needing in the draft include QB, OL, S, LB, and WR probably in the order. Picking 12 is tricky, still. First, I’m not convinced all the underclassmen being talked coming out will actually come out. You’re seeing more and more of the Bradfords and Lockers who stay around in college because, let’s face it, college is fucking awesome. Second, I think some underclassmen who shouldn’t come out WILL come out, largely because of the CBA issues and rookie draft cap that will most likely be implemented. What thsi means is that there will be a ton of guys available to draft, but who may not be ready to play. That means our coaching staff better be ready to coach. It also means we may have a lot of options to pick a player at 12 that can have long lasting impact on this draft class. I don’t want to see a Gerhart picked here, I want to see a Harvin (metaphorically). An impact player. I’m still leaning that the Vikings will end up drafting an offensive linemen this early in the draft, because if this Lions game showed anything it’s we can’t run and we can’t protect on the OL. I still think Nate Solder from Colorado or Gabe Carimi from Wisconsin would be a good choice, but am not sure if they’ll fall. Until I look into it more though, this is the situation facing the Vikings and how I see it playing out.
The 2010 Vikings team final shit list: If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, I’m taking a year end look at the players I hope all get paper cuts and that will no longer be on the team next season. This is the cumulative Shit List, if you will, and if the players find their names on here it’s pretty damming. Preeeeettttyyy damming. Here is who I got for the 2010 season of players I fucking hate:
Brad Childress (You’re the easy scapegoat for 2010, sure, but you also look like a pedophile who I’ve never liked on the Vikings anyway, so yeah, y
ou’re on the Shit List)
Madieu Wiliams (It was quite pleasant NOT watching you play the last two games. Sanford kind of sucked too, but he can at least draw a triangle)
Bryant McKinnie (You can leave. That cornerback running right past you against the Lions was the last fucking straw. Unreal terrible)
Brett Favre (If I can’t wish you dead, I wish you to at least retire and pretend you’re dead. Cool)
Toby Gerhart (You’ll still be a Viking next year, unfortunately, but maybe you’ll be relegated to the inactive list, correct?)
Ben (Fuck you, fuck your alligator arms, fuck your California Cool attitude, and your questionable heterosexuality. Asshole. Worst signing ever)
Frank Walker (Wait, you signed a one year contract as a veteran, not as a rookie? It’s funny because you played like a rookie, see)
Lito Sheppard (It breaks my heart because I loved you like a man with the Eagles, but you are terrible too. OUT)
Tarvaris Jackson (I am counting down the minutes until you are no longer on the payroll. It’s like watching water boil, because it just won’t happen soon enough)
Greg Lewis (I have only seen a broken leg Madden Greg Jennings run slower than you)
Naufahu Tahi (Another Childress guy out the door? Please do not sign another Eagle)
Tyrell Johnson (WE COULD HAVE HAD DESEAN JACKSON FUCK)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments. I know you got some players that you hate with a thousand vials of vitriol, so get to spewing it! HATE!!
A final losing haiku:
King of the Jungle,
Tames those who rape and pillage,
And the Vikings too.
End of season talking points:
– So Joe Webb didn’t solidify himself as a starter for next year. The only thing he showed is that MAYBE he would be a decent two. I mean, he still looked pretty unfazed, which is just so foreign to what TarVar always looked like. But his missed toss to Lorenzo was killer, and his deep ball is a wanking motion. I think he’s just going to continue to tease people with his athleticism forever, and that’s probably it. Better go all in on a franchise QB.
– If Frazier is head coach, it means we may need to fill some positions like offensive and defensive coordinator. I’d be cool with Marvin Lewis as D coord, and Brett Favre as O coord. Wat? I have no idea. What are your suggestions?
– Despite two years of having terrible offensive line play, Purple Jesus still had a nice little season. It would be frightening to watch what he could do behind a competent blocking system. God, that shit just infuriates me.
– I was in the camp to start the season that said Rice wasn’t too critical to the team, and that him being out wouldn’t kill the team. I was totally wrong, and really feel he’s a critical part to this team going forward. I would be on board actually of bringing in a vet QB for two years, re-signing Rice, and drafting someone like AJ Green or Julio Jones in the first round. Shit would be so sick. It’d be like the Moss, Reed, and Carter. IN LUV WITH THIS IDEA.
– I think Frazier has enough common sense and appreciation for history that he won’t allow the Vikings to wear all purple or the purple pants ever again. This is another reason to hire him on.
That’s about it for now. With the season over finally we’ll be doing more season end recaps and other retrospectives and writings of hate mail to shit head players that ruined the 2010 season. Until then, be sure to keep following us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, and e-mail us your own forms of hate mail on your 2010 retrospectives. We’ll even post them for internet fame! Either way, congrats on having this horrible dream of a season come to an end. Fucking finally.
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