We were a minute away from a new coach: God dammit, Favre! We were a full 60 seconds away from all hell breaking loose! And now? Now we’re sitting here with a week that stuck in like the Twilight Zone or purgatory, or some other bull shit that is just delaying the inevitable. Childress is probably out there right now taking about how awesome he was that he was able to rally the troops and pull out an overtime win, 27-24, over that salty Arizona Cardinals defense that … well, that is also a shitty 3-5. Childress is combing his fingers through his bald head, puffing his chest out because he was able to win for the first time in like a month, all because he booted Randy Moss and rallied his troops for the win. What a coach! What a team! What a two minute drill by our fantastic quarterback! This Vikings team is going to win it all! Super Bowl homeboy! Packers? Shipped! Cardinals? Grounded! Bears? Hibernating! Lions? Declawed! Bills? Speared! We’re coming me boy, we’re coming!
….. Of course, all this really means is that we just put the inevitable off another week, and that the Vikings will probably lose against the Bears, got o 3-6, and then we can FINALLY start thinking about the NFL Draft. That’s my favorite part of the NFL, because no one actually loses on draft day! Unless you’re the Jets.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: I cannot say enough good things about Percy Harvin. Sure, sure, he came out and fumbled the opening kick off in the second half, but whatever. He had a shattered ankle three times over and still put up close to a career number in receiving yards with 126 on nine receptions. Uh, pretty bad ass. And maybe more so than anything else, but Harvin deserves some type of fucking medal for the news that came out on Sunday which said that he almost beat the shit out of Childress during their “altercation” this past Friday. Almost beat the shit out of him? Dammit. Could you imagine if Percy and Brad got into some fisticuffs? Holy fuck it would be awesome. Percy would go into rage mode and start yelling until he was white in the face, beating that fucking mustache off of Brad’s face. Then he’d go out with broken fists and shattered ankles and explode all over the Cardinals. I know he wasn’t all that crucial in the final two scores, really, but it doesn’t matter. Without Percy trying for the entire fucking game like him and Peterson ALWAYS do, this would have been the 2010 tombstone that we all thought it was going to be. So big ups to Percy, and for that he gets a poopy stamp.
What does this really prove? Well, absolutely nothing. It proves that despite the head coach being an asshole for the entire week that this team still has enough talent and veterans to come out and pull a ridiculous win out of their ass. It also proves that if this team decides that they want to just start playing for themselves and say fuck this head coach straight in his ear hole, then they can probably win as well. I think this is a perfect opportunity for Favre to start trumping every single play call that Childress makes and just start running this offense however he wants to. What’s Childress going to do, waive him? Sit him? Of course not. Childress is on such pins and needles right now that he can’t do ANYTHING that would make this team look bad. Peterson wants to run every play? Let him. Favre wants to audible out of every play called? He’s going to do it. If anything, all a win over the pretty terrible Arizona Cardinals proves is that this team is just as bad as them, and one game better than the Lions. …. Although I’m not even sure if that’s true. The Lions are fucking awesome and have played games closer than I’m anticipating the Vikings will, especially against the Giants, Eagles, and Bears, too.
Settle the fuck down Jan: Ooooooo! Janen decided to stop putting a carrot in his butt hole for half the season and for two minutes at the end of this game decided he learned how to play defense again! Huzzah! Hurray! Fantastico! This is amazing! The defense is back! They’ve found their pizzazz! They’ve wracked up the sacks! The pressured a Hall of Fame quarterback like … Wait, who the fuck was playing for the Cardinals? Derek Anderson? Alexander? Darren McDouchebag? Did Kurt Warner retire? Jesus Christ. This defense sucks still, and they need to act like they’ve been here before, instead of for just a quarter of a game in 2010. Remember 2009? Yeah, you played a full 18 games actually, if you count the playoffs. And played them pretty well, too! This year? Not so much. Madieu Williams deserves to be speared for his miss-tackles and horrible angles. The starting defensive line needs to nut up too, after they were sat for parts of the second half to let people named Jimmy Kennedy and Brian Robison try to at least play like they meant it. Fuck. This stupid defensive performance throws Leslie Frazier as head coach out the window as well. Think about it. If he becomes head coach then we have an entire team of Asher Allens and Tyrell Johnsons running around like retarded step children. Fuck that. Fire everyone, start clean. New cheerleaders, new mascots, new uniforms, new stadium, fucking everything.
The Shit List: I am continuing a feature here in my quasi-revamped game review section called “The Shit List”. If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, every week I will offer you my collection of bad Vikings players that I hope become unemployed with a brain injury in the near future because they decided to play like a bag of assholes in the most recent game. I will also add a quick update as to why I hope they all get colon cancer. After Sunday night’s game, this is who I have:
Jan (Two and a half sacks? Fantastic. You’ve played eight games this year.)
Phil Loadholt (I saw you running behind Peterson on a nice run. You looked like an idiot.)
Asher Allen (I’m not even sure if you saw the field, because I was too upset with Chris Cook and Lito Sheppard to notice.)
Brad Childress (NOW you decide to take the three points? Great coaching, cock sucker.)
Bryant McKinnie (Whoa, wait, defensive ends can rush INSIDE too? Holy shit!)
Brian Murphy (Is part of your job coaching players to fumble on returns and the others to just run off the field?)
Toby Gerhart (This turf is so WEIRD than your normal Stanford grass! How dare it trip you up!)
Naufahu Tahi (You didn’t do anything really, but that’s the problem. How are you still seeing the field?)
Brett Favre (Nice career day. BTW, if you don’t throw two INTs, this game is probably a blow out, LOL!)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments, but we will continue to update this list as each game progresses. I am expecting it to get quite extensive as the losses pile up and will gladly take your suggestions into consideration. So get to hating.
A wonderful winning haiku!
Wilf! Fi-re Chi-lly!
Hire a head coach that doesn’t
Look like a huge queer!
I’m drunk. Here’s some talking points:
– I would much rather have Benny Sapp on this team than Greg Camrillo. With that being said, Camarillo had some pretty solid plays today, obviously the big one being his forced fumble that ended up as a touchback in the first quarter. Clearly he bailed Favre’s ass out. That, and he made some nice catches.
-Enough good things can’t be said about Purple Jesus. He ran like a smug bastard today, even though he only topped 81 yards. He was pretty decisive and hit people harder than ever before. Also, no fumbles! He is a total stud this year. And his receiving? Get the fuck out with that shit. Throw him the ball more, god dammit. One of his receptions was pure baller status where he snagged it on the far sideline and took it for 12. Great catch. Now, his pass blocking and blitz pick up is a different story …
-The fans were pretty vocal and upset at the game, from what I could hear on TV. Read College Wolf was at the game and left a report in the game preview section about how things went. People smuggled in signs like they were drugs across the Mexican border, and I even saw one that said “Waive Childress”. Was that you, Capital J?! Probably not. The sign was in the rich seats.
– The fucking purple pants are more disgusting than te back alley dumpster behind the abortion clinic. Really? What ass hat decided that after a week full of controversy that this team should trot out in purple pants? That’ll instill some confidence in them! Had to be a Childress call. There were times where you could tell that the helmet, jersey, and pants purple were all different shades, and it really fucking made me upset. Never do this again.
– Here’s a video that someone took of the overtime drive from the stands. I may be an idiot and end up not embedding this code properly for you to watch the video here, so if it doesn’t work just follow the link. Video SHOULD appear below here though:
[vimeo 16600095 w=400 h=225]Vikings/Cardinals-Final Drive in Regulation from Jon Foss on Vimeo.
DID IT WORK??? Anyway, a wins a wins a win, and we can all talk about Dallas again for another week until we lose to the Bears in a vaginal pissing contest for the ages. But stick around this week, and keep the upset comments coming either on Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail us cool shit, and we’ll keep laughing about how improbable of a victory Sunday was. Enjoy it while it lasts, I guess.
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